[More of a story/catharsis than an actual poem with a theme, but if you can find a theme, tell me!]

Black

black—too close to lack
to be a comfortable word.
black like your unchallenged hair,
running in waves and rivulets
across your lonely head.
black as in the night
when i ran into streetlamp shadows
and practiced sonnets with the pebbles,
that knew the words as well as you did.
black in the dimple of my pillow,
cupping my tears and scratching my cheeks;
you saw the black of eyelid drapes,
sheltering a sleep some twelve or thirteen miles away,
where you dreamed of yourself and no one else and your beautiful black hair.

[Pretty vulgar.]

I Am Not a Fag

i am not a fag.

i am not a tutu-toting,
prada-proffering,
limp-wristed vagina,
looking to get fucked.

i am not a back alley,
bending-over boy,
with a dildo on my key-chain,
a grin on my glossed lips.

or a walking rainbow,
a puddle of sunshine,
looking to brighten your day
and trim your nails and
renovate your house
all at the same time
while the crème brûlée cools.

i am not a fag.

i am who i am—
don’t call me a fag;
just treat me like a man.

Band camp. Deeeeeath. There was a heat index of 118 today, and I was lucky enough to be marching for 7 hours out in it. Band is pretty ridiculous, and I fail to learn just about anything from it anymore, but I'm sticking around just to finish it out in my high school career. Pffft, I'm such a tool.

There's actually a guy in band I think is transgendered. He's this real stoic, masculine guy, but he's raided ex-girlfriends' closets and even admitted to one of my friends that he likes trying on ladies' clothing and gets turned on by it. He makes a big show of hating gay people, which I think is a projection of his own insecurity about the incongruence of his masculine and feminine identities. I don't know, maybe I'm over-analyzing, but I REALLY want to meet transgendered people! I never have before.

I'm learning piano. I've ALWAYS wanted to learn! There ain't enough room in my house for a real pizzano, so I'm using a keyboard...and teaching myself how to play. As of now, it's insanely difficult.

Hey, wanna see a short movie I wrote, co-directed, and starred in? Ya bet you do. I'm the ref! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Ngg8m2QXyg

I think I'm the first person on the planet not to like Dark Knight. Did anyone else notice that it was way too drawn out, had barely any good action, and lacked a central conflict? Although I am on par with everyone else that I think Heath Ledger was masterfully fabulous.

I'm getting way busy preparing for school and college so I have less to worry about during what will most likely be a heart-palpitating school year. I have every meeting and every event for my gay-straight alliance planned out (pending co-president and club approval and suggestions); I've finished most of the common app; and I completed a kick-ass college personal statement about how I faced down my school administration and won students the right to wear gay-friendly shirts, then sold over 200 of them for a campaign, even after my superintendent said we couldn't sell them, without any substantial reasoning. (Hm, I probably should have written a journal about all of this a while ago, eh?) It's a good feeling having an amazing story like that to tell. I've ALWAYS wanted an amazing story to tell!!!!

Grrrr, why is it that I can't fall asleep any earlier than 3 AM? Waking up at noon does not bode well for productivity.

Dry Confession

“hate is a rather strong word,”
he says, pulling the mug from his lips,
setting it down with a hollow clatter
on the diner’s cold and freckled table.
the mug sits close to the edge.
if i pound my fist on the table,
like i’ve been planning to do
for all these years,
it would fall.
the words “world’s best dad”
would shatter into
a hundred porcelain pieces.
is this deja vu?

when the waitress scurries up
with a refill for his coffee,
he declines.
he’s not drinking coffee—
coffee won’t get you drunk.

i can smell his demons
from across the table,
lurking behind yellow teeth,
yellow stains on his jeans;
they are my demons too.
when i pass by empty baseball fields,
when i see a kiteless sky;
when i search for missing pictures,
when i look in mother’s eyes—
those demons laugh inside my nose;
i wish i could sneeze
and get rid of this cold.

his mug is empty, my eyes are full.

“dad is a very strong word.”

Father’s Day, 2008

are you god?
because you are everywhere.
i see you all the time:
puddles and mirrors,
picnic tables
and empty parking lots.

half-empty beer cans
breathe your name down my neck;
hallmark made a day for you.

you’re probably still washing yourself
with my power ranger soap.

His policies include:

-Increased military spending to kill people in foreign countries when American citizens are already dying here due to starvation, disease, and crime. (For instance, the infant mortality rate in inner-city African Americans is higher than that of Cambodia and Somalia.)

-Supporting the jingoist state of Israel militarily, bringing further conflict with a policy that has proven to be fruitless in achieving peace.

-Tax breaks for the middle class when the lower class needs it the most, continuing a cycle of poverty that has been present in this nation since it has begun. The tactic is to give just enough money to the middle class to make it a barrier between the ultrarich upper class and dirt poor lower class. The top one percent of the population possesses over FORTY percent of the wealth.

-On the same note, raising taxes for the upper class just enough for the rate to be at pre-George-Bush levels, raising them from 19 to 25 percent. After World War II, the rate was 90%.

-Under his healthcare plan, giving the entire nation health insurance, which looks good from the surface, but which actually just keeps the wealthy and corrupt insurance companies in power, as they have been for decades. A social healthcare system has proven to be successful in many European countries.

He's better than McCain, but Jesus, this is the guy that's supposed to be the hope for America, an icon for change? He's just keeping things the same by ensuring the rich stay rich and the poor stay poor.

We're at an interesting point in history. As I said earlier, since this country started, the middle class has been a barrier between the upper and lower classes, preventing a massive revolution of the poor against the rich. But in recent years, the upper class has become even more greedy, leeching yet more wealth from both the impoverished and the people with average incomes. The middle class is becoming disgruntled--at the wealth disparity, the war, the incompetency of our leaders, and the foreign policy fiascos. If the middle and lower classes can finally see how much they have in common and how much they're being swindled out of by the ultra-rich, then Americans might at last stand up for themselves and for the first time in history actually be equal.

But I'm worried. Both Obama and McCain are proposing tax cuts for the middle class to appease them and keep the barrier secure. Please, don't take their table scraps and be content with that. Get your facts, get your friends, and stand up. Real change has never come from politicians. They're just trying to save their own asses. It's up to the people to make change; in the end, the only person who can stand up for you is you.

Yay, no one likes commenting on my journals.

Has anyone read The People's History of The United States by Howard Zinn? If not, you reeeeeally should. Basically, it turns everything you ever thought about America upside down. Holy crap. For instance, I'm sure you've heard in your social studies classes that to end the war in Japan during WWII we dropped the atomic bomb. It was either that or lose thousands more of American lives in continuing to fight the war, since those darn Japs just wouldn't give up. Did you know that the Japanese had already sent word to Russia that they were planning on surrendering? And that we had already cracked their code and seen the contents of the message? That President Truman himself read it, and dropped the atomic bomb anyway? You wouldn't guess why. After Germany was defeated, it was agreed between the US and Russia that Russia would have 90 days to recoup before helping us out to fight the Japanese. But if they helped to defeat Japan, they could lay claim to the island alongside the US. The higher-ups in the US government didn't want that; they wanted complete US control of Japan and all of its economic resources. So they needed to defeat Japan before the 90 days was up; before August 8. Coincidentally the same day the first atomic bomb was dropped on Hiroshima. *gong of enlightenment goes off*

That's all I wanted to say.

Recently, I've been drifting back to thoughts of previous relationships. Chalk it up to having too much summer free time. It's been almost a year since I've had a hand to hold, and I'm not going to lie and say I don't miss having five extra digits on hand (pun unfortunately not intended). That feeling of safety that comes with a lover is...wow. Fending for yourself, it's all too easy to feel vulnerable and at the whim of the world.

But maybe that feeling isn't so bad. Do you know that when exercising, muscles don't build when they're flexed, but when they're releasing? (10 points and a cookie if you do.) The heart conforms to this rule as well. I've been releasing for more than a few lunar cycles, and I know that all the while I'm getting tougher, wiser, more independent.

In the end, I'd rather be single and capable of achieving happiness on my own standards than dating all over the place and completely relying on others for a sense of well-being. Of course not all people who have partners are saps, but personally, if I had all that man-flesh, I think I would be. I just wouldn't be the same person I am today if dating came easy!

The title says it all, ladies and germs. It's REFLECTION TIME. Oooooh.

I haven't realized until now how much less I've enjoyed writing since I decided to become a writer. 2 years ago. I've made a difficult but necessary choice: if I want to write, I can't be a writer. Sounds paradoxical, hm? Well, not quite. The pressure of putting out is just too much for me; my work becomes all craft and no art. I think the only way I can write what I really want to write is by doing it just for the sake of it, and nothing else. Being an overachiever has rocketed me through school, but I've come to learn that it's poison when it comes to art.

Is it me, or is the novel 1984 waaaaay too drawn out?

Oh, hey, who wants to see some of my art? I just started drawing a couple months ago.

http://good-times.webshots.com/photo/2532176250080912775JjnMtG?vhost=goo...

It's just astounding how I'm actually writing in oasis when I'm happy, as opposed to the normal trend of scribbling in here while my life lies in ruins. Well, a teenager's perspective of ruins, anyway.

Alas, I do have few words to share, though. Things are happening in my life, but I simply don't think they're as important as I used to. I mean, they're just...things. My happiness no longer hinges on what's going on around me; that pattern of thinking once made my life as stable as a game of Jumanji. Now I'm content knowing that both the outside and inside world are constantly changing, and I don't need to fight this phenomenon. It's just the way the world is. I acknowledge that part of this mindset is accepting that it itself will change, and if I'm struggling a week or two from now, I'm going to have to accept that, too.

I'm not completely egoless, however, so I'll give you cats and kittens a quick rundown of my sundowns.

-I've decided to create a weekly writers' workshop for local teens. Our first meeting will be tomorrow.

-I'm also planning to film my first "real" movie that I've written the script for in the next week or two. (Remember, I'm kinda into that whole screenwriting thing?) It's a 6-8 minute film about a mentally handicapped teenager who yearns to win a four square tournament.

-The marching band season has started...woo. It's strange being a big ol' senior. I feel bad for the kids who look up to me! =]

I hope that keeps the gizzard going for all the inquiring minds out there!

Woo, I'm never around anymo.

It's summer. I read, I write, I read, I play sax, I read, I work on scholarships, I read, I bike, I read...my eyes are starting to hurt from a hundred plus pages a day.

Nothing new on the relationship front. NOTHING is ever new on the relationship front. The last time I touched a guy was almost a year ago...and I'm fine with that. People I know have been drinking and sleeping around a lot lately, and their actions have upset me greatly; I feel sufficiently turned off from the dating scene. The situation reminds me of Ginsberg's poem, "Howl": "I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness..." Of course I'm engaging in obnoxious hyperbole, but nevertheless, I still kind of feel that way...like my friends are just throwing their lives in cans of beer, drinking them up, and pissing them out. I hope this is just a phase.

I'm really tired.

Thus the scatter-brained post.

[A very strange, Allen Ginsburg meets Elizabeth Bishop type of poem. It's definitely different, which is why I think I like it so much.]

dark smiles reflected in the riviera waters.
moonlight mixes with the waves,
the firefly brightness of the night life behind us
leaving us in the wakes of cool shadows.

we love it here. on the fringes,
where our feet get wet and sandy—
the businessmen do not appreciate the beauty
of everything pruny! maybe we are
a bit crazy.

he dances in black to a music
i cannot hear above the waves,
dogpiling against the shore.
a disco vampire.
what a laugh.

i, draped in white,
look like jesus.
i can be honest.
but i cannot dance—
like a vampire on the bank,
or a tourist in the city.
and it all comes down to that.
once you stop dancing,
you’re fucked.

What a Day of Silence today was...it was the first we had at my high school with the new GSA (called Spectrum), which I kind of made and run.

Pre-DoS stuff was messed up this year since it's the same week as the ACT/PSAE tests. For some reason or another the administration doesn't let anyone announce anything until after the tests (on Wednesday and Thursday), so we could only make one announcement, which was today. But we had a table in the lobby during lunch all week where kids could receive information, get "speaking cards" that explain DoS, which they could hand out to friends and such today, and sign a pledge. I think we had over 150 people sign pledges.

Day of Silence happened to fall on the same day as the in-school percussion ensemble performance, in which I played saxophone in a couple of big band features. When I initially found out they'd be the same day, I was upset since I wouldn't be able to have a big affect on all my classes. But I actually liked it better this way since it was much more of a challenge, what with being around friends all day. And I did still have an impact on everybody.

I made an announcement over the intercom this morning explaining DoS (I know, I know, I talked...but it was for the greater good). I was nervous as hell and had a little bit of difficulty speaking--I mean, it's hard enough talking about gay issues with more than five or so people present, but addressing 2500 kids and over 100 faculty members? Wow. There was a paper I read off of, which an assistant principal had to approve, and he said to me, "Now, don't change a SINGLE word of this. Don't add anything extra," and although it was kind of like getting bitch-slapped by The Man, I was totally fine with it. Just being able to talk about gay issues over the intercom was reaching an amazing milestone. Seriously, my school is now lightyears ahead of where it was last year.

I was around fellow band kids who were also in the percussion ensemble the whole day, and everyone was of course very supportive. It rocked. When I arrived at rehearsal after reading the announcement, a few kids gave me high-fives--even my band director, which really made me smile. I stopped by the information table during lunch, and a mom, who was helping sell ice cream or something with her daughter and had talked to our teacher sponsor for Spectrum, who was also down there, said that she really appreciated everything that Spectrum's been doing and would like to make a contribution. Twenty-five dollars, man. I received so much support today...it was simply incredible. I don't think I've gotten that much my whole LIFE. Things got pretty depressing a month or so ago when the administration kept on beating Spectrum down and I felt like no one was supporting us at all, but today reminded me why I wanted to start this club in the first place--to unite all those awesome supporters out there and truly make a difference--together.

Even though I wasn't there in my classes to see it, I heard from my Spectrumites that there were A LOT of kids participating. In some classes over half the kids were silent, and the effect was huge. Honestly, I was only expecting about forty or so kids to join in. I am VERY proud.

As far as my own silence goes, it was definitely a powerful experience. I felt so isolated, alienated, aggravated--it really struck home when I realized some kids go through this everyday, more or less. It's heartbreaking. I could literally sense myself being pushed away from everyone else, and even myself--I just didn't feel like me anymore. This year's DoS definitely had a huge impact on me.

After school we had a breaking the silence party in the park. We only had about 15 people, but we still had a really snazzy time. It was a great ending to a great day. I'm all smiles now. =]

Whooee, it's definitely been a few moons since I've written anything in here. In my first few months on Oasis I thought I'd NEVER fall into the trap of getting over my coming out problems, skedaddling right on out, and hardly ever writing, but...well...I think we see how well I kept out of that one.

Things have been okay. Busy. Sometimes stressful, sometimes not. I've been single for a while now. One part of me still wants a guy, but it's only one part, and I'll be honest and say it's not a huge part. XD My attitude lately has just been "I don't need no f***in' man!" (Stated with a saucy black woman tone.) Looking at all the people in my school who just whore themselves out so they can have somebody makes me sad (and I'm not going to lie, more than a little judgmental); I don't want to be like that.

I am quite the jubilous little jujubee about something. (And yes, I know jubilous isn't a word...it really should be.) Um, hello, college! I'm still a year away, but I can feel it moving closer all the time. Really, though, most of the excitement has been recent since I've made a radical change in my college/career plans. Okay, so for a long time all I've wanted to do for a job is write. You'd think with all the words we see everyday it'd be pretty easy to get employed as a writer, right? Well, no. I'm definitely not into advertising or journalism--they're too stressful, and sometimes even evil--and I can't sincerely expect to spend all my time writing the next great American novel in my room and still have the cash to be able to EAT. So what I settled for for my career plan was to be a professor of English/creative writing--I mean, it's the closest thing, correct? Honestly, if it weren't for my little breakthrough a few days ago, I probably WOULD be a professor ten years from now. I really don't think I'd mind it. But talking to a friend, I finally realized what would be the absolute perfect job for me--screenwriter! It'd be similar to being an author, but with the excitement (and the income) of LA. And I think I'd do a bang-up job with it--my writing can be serious and heartbreaking, like with dramas, or fun and quirky, great for comedies. So I'm kind of dying to go to the University of Southern California in LA. They have the best cinema school on the planet. And come on, man, it's LA. It's going to be tough--they only accept 26 people into their screenwriting program each year--but my friend who's involved in the program and has read my writing is convinced that I'll get it. I'm SO excited, though...this situation has rekindled not only my love of writing, but my love of life as well.

Bon appetit.