I think it's basically that "outsider" thing that I relate to so well (I think most of us do :P). Elphaba is green (can you think of another G word?) and it makes her stand alone from her peers. She's been bullied and ostracized all her life for it, but still manages to have a certain strength about herself. She doesn't give too much of a fuck what people think about her, otherwise it would get her down too much. She's someone who society doesn't think is strong enough, but in the end, she is the one walking away, her battle won (in an indirect way). She doesn't bend over backwards to fit into society; she has no problem with being herself.

Another reason why I love Wicked is that it's the story of someone who doesn't consider themselves attractive, but someone loves them anyway. I recently learnt the same lesson. If someone is capable of loving you, even if it's for a short while, it might mean that you aren't as unattractive as you first thought. Even though Elphaba puts up a front of being so strong, she really does consider herself "beautifully tragic" (compared to her sister's "tragic beauty"). So when Fiyero tells her she's beautiful, she doesn't believe him. However, eventually Elphaba learns to accept and love all of herself.

"SWEET OZ!"

I flew to melbourne this weekend to see Wicked! IT IS THE MOST AMAZING SHOW EVER!!!! I totally loved it! i'm still just so happy i can't descibe it! i wish i could see it every night lol i've known about the show for a looooong time, and listened to the broadway soundtrack 234234534265234789876543 times that finally seeing it was a dream come true! god i am so happy still, i'm obsessed!

I love Skins. I was a fairly devoted viewer when it was on SBS, but then series 2 finished. So I went out and bought the first series on DVD. and not i'm obsessed. I love it. I love it all.

This week was much better than last week at uni. BUT i have to go to work tomorrow, so i'm a bit nervous cos my client is a bit unpredictable, and im just praying that we have a good day. and i have to finish writing a very important speech to present on saturday at a memorial service... and it's thursday night. hmmm im listening to portishead. gotta love trip hop.

he's so loud and obnoxious. but watching oprah is better than leaving the house. i need to buy some blank CDs, i'll do it later. at the moment im catching up.

so i need to bring in examples of things that inspire me to playmaking tomorrow. i've got extracts from "Party Monster". I'll get some materical from John Waters, and i need to burn a cd of music. thats what the blanks are needed for.

There should be a warning written on the cd that states so. i could probably do it myself. i probably should. im listening to a copy of the broadway recording of "thoroughly modern millie" that was given to us last year prior to rehearsals starting. and it just makes me sad, but also happy cos the songs are just beautiful, lush, broadway noise. but sad cos of the memories they bring up. i miss those kids. i miss that show. it also makes me sad that i missed out on being in the Grease cast THIS year. it hurt when i heard them doing the Quack chant after the show. The quack chant from mighty ducks was something i started with last year's cast, and we did it before and after each show to get us in the mood and bring us together. having a small cast means things get so tight knit and close, and i feel like the quack thing belonged specifically to that cast... it's a relic of our time lol it felt .... wrong... to hear it from ppl who dont kno what is behind it.

i had the worst fucking week last week. i hope to god the coming week will be easier! so many wankers in my drama classes... but in 12 weeks, it will all be over.

so grease has come and gone (i was assistant director), as has my crush on danny zuko. the poor kid is so mixed up, i just dont need that.
and speaking of mixed up kids, A is in one of my theatre classes. sooooo not liking the awkwardness of our first class, so i messaged him "hey, it was good to see u today. (inane comment about how nice our lecturer is)."
so hopefully he will get the message that thinngs should be cool and that it would be nice to be friends.

there are so many cute guys this semester tho, i love them! there's a really nice guy, he's kinda cute. AND i met a guy up at theatre, he's nice too. so the drought's end is on the horizon lol THANK FUCK!

oh and Ohhhh myyyyyy goooooood i read, "The God Box" by Alex Sanchez. what a lovely book! it was so lovely. i didnt like it at first, BUT, the more i read on, the more i loved it. manuel is such a sweet character, and paul reminded me of me when i was 12/13. so it was nice. the ending was a bit contrived, and i couldnt help thinking how perfect it was that the first openly gay boy to come to paul's school helps him to come out, and eventually becomes his boyfriend, but i didnt mind anyway. so nice, so sweet.

i'm running with scissors, bitch.

lately i've been ok. thats weird. im watching good will hunting for the first time, its some good shit. this and the book tuesdays with morrie are the inspirational crap that speaks to the side of me that tries to find a mentor. i've had a few, but one was fired for allegations of sexual relations with students. so that one went down the crapper. ummmmmm duffy has been in my car alot lately, i like her voice. im sick at the moment cos i went to a party, drank half a bottle of scotch, smoke half a pack of cigs with a hot canadian guy and breathed in a lot of cold air, harming my already phlegm ridden throat and nose. so now i've lost my voice. got training at work tomorrow. then a REALLY bad client on friday, i want to drop him soon. then getting my eyebrow pierced next monday.
high ho.

Ok. The past two nights I have been dreaming about every boy I've ever had feelings for. Two nights ago I had an extremely hot sex dream about Mike. And last night, a boy I fell pretty hard for featured prominently in my dreams. And the boy I had a crush on a week or so ago was the guest star in my afternoon nap. I have no idea what my subconscious is trying to tell me. It's kind of disconcerting, to ave all these familiar faces pop up unexpectantly... especially when I haven't actually seen one of them in ages, and I don't have the same feelings for them as I used to.

my family gives me the shits at the moment. that's normal right? my dad, who favours his three grandchildren over his three actual children, is visiting my half sister in melbourne atm. last night i called. my nephew is rude and has no idea how to speak on a phone, my half sister is just weird. my mum is up north for the weekend with her boyfriend, she's coming home in an hour or so. i just really miss her, i haven't seen her in days. i'm counting down the minutes! my sister is such a bitch. i walked into her darkened room to tell her something and i accidently stood on her sunglasses. firstly, why did she leave them on the floor? then she absolutely went off at me, so i just left the fuckin bitch. and my car is fucked at the moment so i need a lift to work tomoro. so i called a workmate, and he said that he's right to take me, but we're taking his motorbike. gulp. im just a bit nervous. i've never ridden one before, it freaks me out cos they're a bit dangerous... but a lift is a lift and he offered. so i cant say no thank you. and otherwise i'd have to get dropped off by my mum half an hour early.. and believe me, being early for training day sucks ass.

i had a crush on a boy. My first real crush since A and I broke up three months ago. He is so sweet, and funny and cute. I'm the assistant director for my former school's production of Grease, and he is playing Danny, and he's so talented! In a way, I feel like I passed the torch to him - I had the lead last year, and now he does. So since I've been at rehearsals, I started to see how great he was, and I got a bit of a crush on him. Btw I've known these kids for ages, so we're like a family. Anyhoo, this boy, J, is bisexual. And I was the first person he came out to last year, basically because I was in the process of coming out at the time, and he needed a bit of support.

Back to this year: he and I have become ever closer. I talked to his best friend about it and he promised he'd do a bit of subtle nosing around to gauge how J feels about me, coded Mission J. Well I got a message last night that Mission J wasn't looking too good.

I knew it, really. I had the feeling all along that it was a one sided affair. And all I can blame is myself. I listened to my heart instead of my head, because really, I never expected him to be interested in me either. And despite it only being a small crush, I had gotten my hopes up. After three months, I could have possibly found someone. I didn't want anything serious, but just someone to help my confidence, have some fun and be a really good friend. I don't know what that is; a few months back I talked about having a rebound guy. But J is different, I wanted something more from him. Last night when I heard the news, I was absolutely crushed. And I wrote a long blog on myspace about how I hate love, and that I've given up for a while. Now I realise that I'm not going to give up, but that I just wish I could catch a break. In three years, I've gone through two straight boys, a boy who dumped me after three weeks, another straight boy, and now this. It would be nice if I could meet the right person. But doesn't everybody think that?

So now, I'm not moping. I'm just sad... I think there is a subtle difference.
I'll be ok.

I was digging around for my soundtrack of "The Craft" soundtrack, but instead found my copy of Vengaboys, "The Party Album". i'm quite sure that this was the first ever CD i purchased, when i was around 10 or 11. i can't honestly think how i would have enjoyed it then... eurotrance music wasn't then or is now my cup of tea. i bought it because my best friend loved them, so i loved them too.... cough... so yeah. it's so sexual and, well, gay. my very first crush was on robin, the sailor. to the 11 yr old me, that sexy sailor's pout in the liner notes made me weak at the knees. he was who i wanted to grow up to be. i detested the fat, weird kid i was... i wanted to be him so bad. this band was so cool, they rocked the singles charts. but then the album is full of extremely long, electro dance music. what was i supposed to do with that? im listening to it know, its making for good background music. but i can't even comprehend how my mother would have actually let me BUT it. on the cd cover is a caricature of the band, the women with massive tits popping out of tiny shirts. the songs have titles like, "boom boom boom boom" and "Superfly slick dick". i can imagine that the impact this had on me has made me the pervert i am today.
it is so weird.

My bedtime routine is pretty much the same every night. i have a hot shower, light some incense, turn off my light, turn on my bedside lamp, throw some music on (tonight, Les Hurlements d'Leo) crawl into bed and muck around on the lap top til late... oasis, myspace, bit of porn, etc
suits me just fine.

i was thinking before that i've kinda misssed the boat when it comes to new, outrageous forms of performance art. i'm 2 generations too late to be shocking audiences with my own unique brand of performance. but that's just it - my brand of performance isn't unique. i'd love to come up with something like The Cockettes, they rocked the kasbar. they were so different and crazy; avant garde drag that did whatever the fuck it wanted to. thats what I want to do. why can't i create my own "Tinsel Tarts in a Hot Coma"? i know i could if i put my mind to it, its just a question of coming up with a hot new idea that no one has seen before. It is my quest to be the next Divine. Well, if not Divine, the John Waters of the performance art world.

today i did general running around. fixed my brake light, handed in my time sheet to work so i get paid, made dinner reservations for friday night with my wife (best friend of 3 years), visited my dad and grandma.
my mum has been home for an hour and a total bitch, so im hiding out in my room. bloody women. can't live with them... 'nuff said.

lol has anyone else seen this SNL sketch?? i only saw it tonight cos stupid australia gets everything hella late... its damn funny. "Why can't i just hug a woman with my legs in friendship?" it was a good episode actually, the newer ones are getter better than they used to be. so today was cup. i was supposed to go to pride, but stupid things got in the stupid way, and i did the things i was priorly committed to. but yeah, had to pick up 2 drunk friends on the other side of town from a post-cup party, at 9.30. i'd just gotten home from speed racer. speep racer is good, but only because the whole cast bar john goodman is attractive.

that's the time. i havent slept a wink. got to bed at 1 after writing an essay, and i just haven't. fallen. asleep.

this is the worst time for this to happen, i have to go to uni this morning at 11 to hand the essay in, then do front of house at 1.

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. No Doz and V for me then.