Dive

One tentative step
Cut through the misty fog

The internal battle rages

“Why am I doing this?”
“It’s the only way out.”

One careful step
Into the falling rain

The logic starts to fail

“There are other ways.”

One innocent step
Closer to the edge

The resolve barrels through

“The only way out
To get what I want.”

One last determined step
Toward the all-consuming sea

Toes feeling out over the edge

“Please.”

One final breath
Before the end

Arms out, knees bent

“Oh, god.”

Headfirst into freedom
All regrets left behind

hey guys. wow, it's been a while. my last post was in march. anyway, update: i'm in love with a girl and she's perfect. it's the same girl that i've been having issues with since seventh grade. you don't have to, but if you want to you can read some of my journal entries and you'll know which girl i'm talking about. but we've both matured some and we're starting to become good friends again. she knows, once again, that i am in love with someone, but she does not know that it is her (talk about deja vu). i really want to tell her, but i'm so scared. the only way i think i could tell her would be if i was moving far away and it would probably be the last time i would ever see her......which sucks. anyway, i've finished two more works (both of which i posted on myspace and she read (she's still clueless as far as i know)). so, erm, here they are:

smile for me:

smile for me

let me have the
knowledge i am
going to the ends
of the earth to find

fill my heart with
the warmth that
was overcome
with chilling misery

cease the teasing
mystery which has
my mind drenched
in a potion of
wonder and longing

tell me the sweet
whisper meant nothing
or meant everything
just tell me something
that will tear down
the invisible yet painfully
solid wall that divides
me and my sanity
we long to be together again
we were meant to be together

smile for me

let me have the
knowledge i am
going to the ends
of the earth to find

whether you love
me or not -

i need you

-----------------------------------------------
Untitled:

She was the one. The one I had always wanted but could never imagine. The beauty and light that radiated from her pierced and flooded my heart like the bright sun on a secluded lake.

Pray for the impossible, attempt the improbable.

Forever I have loved her, forever I shall. Never will the haunting images of her loveliness cease to stain my mind. When I was in her presence I felt as though the lost shards of my shattered heart could reassemble and I could be truly happy for a short time.

This beautiful pain can't save my name.

When I dream of her, my body becomes afraid to awaken, my eyes afraid to open. I don't want to leave this fake reality in which anything, no, the only thing I want can be mine and nothing else in the world has to matter.

Your eyes are those of hurricanes.

I love you so much. I never stopped. And day after day, you are so adorably oblivious that it drives me up the wall. Every time we talk, make eye contact, or you even say my name my breaths come quick and I feel like I have run three miles when I haven't taken two steps. I love you. And it kills me to think you will never know.

my friends mom just died from cancer. christmas eve morning. he just IMed me and told me. its times like this that i really wish i was goth. they're misunderstood because people think that they're all about death and suicide and crap like that, but they're not. they are good people because they celebrate life AND death. they understand that death is a part of life. i would like to be like that (but i dont pull of the all black look very well :-P ). anyway......guess i just wanted to tell someone.
Love Love,
Jae Jae

P.S. love ya colin.

damn her and that aorable, heart-melting smile! i thought i was over her for good! i thought we could just be friends and i would be happy with that after everything thats happened. but no. i have to go and fall in love with a boy and then fall in love with HER AGAIN!!!!!!!! its driving me insane! i mean, i bought her a christmas present, and i dont even know if i can give it to her. is it weird to give your ex a present for christmas??? and whats more is that even though i cant decide between the boy and the girl (im bi, btw, for those of you who are new ;-), it probably doesnt even matter because my chances with either of them are minimal. *sigh* oh well.

its snowing!!!! YAY!!!! i love snow. we might have a snow day tomorrow, too! NO SCHOOL!!! that would be cool (HA get it? cool? HAHAHAHAHA)

Love Love,
Jae Jae

unrequited love sucks ass. im kind of depressed right now (not unusual). i guess today just wasnt my day. but hey, thats what oasis is for, right? im in love with a guy i cant....well, not cant, but probably wont have. uugghh.....o well. hes so cute. i want him SO BAD!!! some of my friends tell me that he stares at me during chorus or whatever, but i dont listen to them. i wish it was true though. *sigh* but hey, dont listen to me being depressed and crabby, im not here to bring people down, so please, messgage me. anyone. any random person. if youve never read my posts before, send me a message telling me about whats going on in your life. i LOVE to make cyber-friends!!! ^_^

Love Love,
Jae Jae

this is a story im writing about a girl who discovers that she's a pyro. im not quite finished with chapter three, but i'll put it in here anyway. here ya go:

Chapter 1

First thing's first: I can do things that no one else can. Everyone clear on that? Good! Moving on......What? Yeah, yeah, I know, I should elaborate and blah blah blah. Can't we just skip all these explanations? No? Ugh. Okay, fine. It all started like this......

Chapter 2

"Ryan? Ryan? RYAN!"
I was yanked out of my state of deep thought by my best friend Tyler shouting my name (by the way, yes, I am a girl with a boy's name. Please, blame my parents).
"H-Huh?" I stammered.
"I said, 'What's going on today?'" she repeated.
"Umm....school?" I mused.
She glared at me. Apparently some people don't appreciate classic humor.
"Oh, you mean AFTER school!" Sarcasm is also one of my specialties. "Huh....I dunno. Did you have anything in mind?"
"Ryan, were you listening to anything I was saying?" she asked, clearly annoyed.
"Some of it," I replied with a sheepish grin.
"Ryan, I was asking if anything important was going on today because I want to stay after school for the game."
"The football game?" I queried. She nodded. "Oh, Tyler, you're not going all butch on me now are you?"
She pretended to look offended (another thing about Tyler, she doesn't stay mad or irritated for long, something I find to my advantadge), "Don't insult me! I have no interest in the actual game, just the person.......I mean, people playing it." Her cheeks flushed pink. She was thinking of Brad.....again.
I rolled my eyes and said, "And I suppose you expect me to stay and watch him....I mean, them with you."
She took a half-bow (seeing as we were sitting down), "If you would, M'lady."
I snaffed (snort-laughed) and said, "You're so weird."
"Thank you," she beamed.
I dipped my fry into my cheese cup and took a bite (I forgot to mention we were sitting at lunch during this conversation).
"You know those are fattening," Tyler warned.
I shrugged. "I'm already there."
"You are not," she protested.
"Am too," I shot back.
"Are not!"
"Am too!"
"Are not!"
"Am too!"
That was what we argued about for the rest of the period.

[insert little flame to serve as spacer here]

Ack! You caught me skipping explanations again. Well, I guess what I was thinking about in my state of deep thought mentioned earlier IS pretty important to the rest of the story. Okay, I was thinking about what happened the day before, when I got home from school.

Chapter 3

I opened the door and was blasted by the unexpected smell of gasoline. I ran downstairs and checked everything that used gas, but I didn't see anything wrong.
I dashed back upstairs and ran through the house searching for the source of the gas, until it hit me - duh! - the kitchen.
Racing into the kitchen, I saw what had been making me so frantic: one of the burners on the stove was left on (probably my dad forgot to turn it off after making eggs this morning, he's kinda dense sometimes).
I strolled up to the stove and turned the knob to the off position. Then I turned it back on and just kind of watched the little flames dance. I don't know what attracted me to it, but I couldn't pull my eyes away.
Whenever a candle is lit, there's usually some idiot who tries to impress/gross out/amaze people by passing their hand over the fire and charcoaling their fingers. I never tried to, I just watched (I'm not as stupid as some people), but now it intrigued me.
I held my right hand about a foot over the burner, and it was probably just my imagination, but the flame seemed to almost be reaching up for my hand. It sparked my curiosity, so I lowered my hand slowly, and as I did, the flame grew. No, seriously. It stretched out its sleek form until it was just centimeters from my fingers.
I held out my pointer finger and the warm flame twisted around it like a vine. I pulled upward and the flame came with me, no longer attatched to the stove. I brought up my left hand, gently placed the little spit of fire in my palm, and twirled my finger out of the flame.
As I stared at the fire seeming to come out of my hand, I thought, "Why not play with it a little?" So I tossed it into the air, meaning to catch it with my other hand, but as soon as it lost contact with my left hand, it disappeared. Went out like a light.

wow. i cant believe this. and theres nothing i can do about it either. i guess the only thing i can do is accept the fact that all the people i think are my best friends wont last and that they'll all dump me eventually....god i hope thats not it.

the first best friend i had when i came to this school was rachel, and we've been best friends ever since, but she hasnt really talked to me much this year. when i try to get close to her, she says im being clingy. when i tried to be there for her when she was upset, she wouldnt tell me what happened and just told me to leave her alone and that i was making it worse. the only time she would talk to me was either to ask me if a rumor was true or to tell me something about her crush.

and i cant even get close to my remaining friends without SOMEONE making SOMETHING out of it!!!! thats how the whole thing b/w me and rachel started! she came online and the first thing she says is "omg is it true you asked becky out? someone saw you two holding hands."

i cant believe this. this is almost becoming routine. count them up, thats, like, three best friends ive lost in the span of a year and a half. it doesnt sound like a lot to some people, but add it with all the other traumas of my short life, not to MENTION the mandatory stresses of SCHOOL, it wears a girl out.

i have almost no hope left. this whole entire thing started almost a year ago, and its ruining my life! its taking away everything i know and love which is almost gone! i dont know what to do. the only things i have to rely on anymore are my family, becky, and the guy i have a crush on (well, i dont really rely on him, we barely talk to each other, but he gives me a reason to come to school).

i mean, all i want is some close friends that i can tell ANYTHING to who arent ashamed to be seen with me in public, maybe a nice boy/girlfriend (i can wait for that, though), and to be able to walk through school, be able to say hi to people i know (including the girl i.....never mind, WAY too long a story (see previous journal entries), and not get glares here and whispers there. is that SO much to ask?

this is insane! i mean, its times like this when you think "why me?" some people say its gods will but i dont believe that god is the higher power. some people say what happens happens. i guess thats the best theory i can some up with right now. but still.....i would like, just for once, be able to go through one week (maybe one year, but THATS pushing it a little too far) without coming home depressed. that would be pretty much the best thing thats ever happened (aside from finding oasis, this place is awesome, its helped me SO much). wow, heh, long entry, huh?

Love,
Jae

okay, so this is basically whats going on in the life of me. im still in love with a boy at my school (i know more about him than he does about me. isnt that weird? like, i know how to spell his name (first and last), i know his birthday (this friday, actually), i know what his locker number is, i know he plays the trombone in band, i know he's number 86 on the middle-weight football team at school, etc.....). and im having fun with this because almost every day, we end up catching the other one's eye and just stare for, like, 30 seconds before either of us can look away. its awesome. i cant help swooning at the sight of him. and this is okay for me because ive finally come to accept the fact that i like guys as well as girls (for those of you who are total blanks right now, for a while i really didnt want to like guys because i wanted to be a lesbain, but i like being bi now...more options ;-).

the last girl who completely dumped me (in more ways than one (see last journal)) is now pissed off at me for telling people that shes bi. im going to break off for a min. to tell that story:

okay, so one day at lunch, we're outside waiting to go in, when the group of girls who regularly make fun of me comes up to me and says "is it true you asked T* out last year?" im like "yeah" (because its not like i was going to lie about it). and they go "but she said no right?" im like, "uh, no. she said yes" (because she DID). and they're like "yeah right. shut up. shes not a lesbian" im like "youre right, she not. shes bi". and i felt bad for telling people when she asked me not to, but they didnt believe me anyway, and now everyone thinks im talking shit about her. so then after school, her best friend A* comes up to me in my bus line and is all "what the f*** is your f***ing problem??? why are you saying that T said yes to you asking her out last year??? she not a lesbian!! youre a f***ing bitch!!!" and she stormed off. so just then my bus pulled up and while i was walking toward it w/ my friend, i walk right past T, and she turns around and flips me off (expected) and PUNCHES me in the arm (unexpected)!!! anyway, back to my current life.....

the people who i usually hang out with and sit with at lunch keep filling up all the spots at the table except one which they tell me is "reserved", so ive finally figured it out that they dont care about me one bit and i have no idea why they claim to be my friends.

my best friend R*, i just found out today, wants to play and sing the same song that i want to sing for the talent show. this makes me really upset because i know im going to be the one backing off and letting her sing, while i end up singing the song my parents want me to sing, JUST to make HER happy. oh well....

im very lazy and i hate homework so the counselor wants to put me in homework club. -gag-

on a lighter note, ive written many poems lately (i will post them later ;-), and two of them were in spanish. so i showed them to my spanish teacher (im, like, the TOP DOG in spanish class (only person in the ENTIRE school who got 100%, 100/100 questions RIGHT on the spanish final last year ;-) and he liked them so much, he put them up in the spanish room *smiles from warm fuzzy feeling from admiration*.

*exhale* PHEW! long entry, huh? oh well. anyway, speaking of procrastination, i got homework to do, lol.

LOVE ALL YOU GUYS AND GALS (oh, and you too, adam LMAO)!!!!!

Sincerely,
Your FAVORITE Oasis member (besides jeff :-P ),
Jae Jae

(P.S. *= names shortened to initials to protect the innocent ;-)

oh my fucking god!!!!!!!!! i cant take this anymore!! i cant have any more close friends dump me like this anymore!! so, for those of you who follow my journal, you know that i WAS in love with this girl that i "went out with" but then she turned on me and spread rumors instead, blah blah blah....well, now that school has started, she doesnt want us to be friends in school b/c shes afraid of people spreading rumors that we're going out (which is stupid b/c shes the one who spread the rumor about me being a lesbian in the first place!!) and on some level, i can respect that b/c i know what its like to have rumors spread about you. but its not just when people are around, its, like EVER!! which really pisses me off b/c we developed a good friendship over the summer. so now, just tonight when i try to confront her, its turns out like this:

Me: so, what? its not just fear of rumors anymore?
Her: will you just drop it?
Her: i don't want to talk to you.
Her: now go away.
Me: what?
Me: why?
Me: what the hell happened?
Me: what did i do???

and then she signed off. so, now after living through another discintegrated (sp?) friendship, im going to go crawl under a rock and stay there forever. or.....no, this time im not going to shrivel up and attempt to disappear. im going to try to stay strong and happy with my NEW friends. but, im not one for revenge, so im not going to do anything to her. i couldnt even if i wanted to. i care too much.

on another (hopefully happier) note: it has been officially confirmed....i am bisexual. yay for me. i would usually be happier about this, but, as you may be able to tell, im a little depressed right now. but, it has been confirmed by my reinstated crush on a boy i had a crush on at the end of last school year (see previous journal entries). so, anyway.....jesus christ, now what!?!?

so a few weeks ago i posted an essay i wrote called "We Are Human Too" in a forum, a few people commented on it, which is awesome, but now i cant find it. its not in my journal, and when i search through the forums, its not there either *scratches head*. where'd it go? and how do i get it back? jeff, adrian, a little help please?
Love love,
Me

so i've been wondering lately, how come all of jeffs posts get bumped up to the home page? am i the only one who's noticed? maybe im just imagining it, or maybe im going crazy, but....idk. maybe he just has more vital information. ugh, o well. i guess im just bored. :-P

P.S. no offense, jeff

i wrote this in, like, third grade, but its funny, cause when i found a few months ago, i asked my mom who wrote it. she was like, "umm...im pretty sure you did, dear."

Snow, cold and white
Sun, warm and bright

Rain, damp and dull
Earth, rich and full

These are moods
Determined attitudes

Just listen
You'll see what I mean
You'll think differently
After you've seen

Snow is solitude
Sun is joy
Rain is sorrow
Earth...is freedom

Good, Bad, Life

Every single
Twist and turn
Ahead of you
In life

Will bring you
Joy and happiness
But also
Sorrow and strife

Do not take
Advantadge of
The good times
They won't last

They are there
To heal the scars
Of bad times
In the past

Some say running
From struggles and fears
Is better
That's not true

In the end
It is your friends
Who help you
Make it through

so i've kind of become good friends w/ the girl i have a crush on (see previous journals), which im realy happy about. the other day, the day before yesterday, i think, i was IMing her and asking her what all her favorite things were. i asked her what her deepest, darkest secret was, and she said, "i'll tell you, if you tell me who the girl is" (she knows i have a crush on a girl, she just hasnt been able to figure it out yet) so i said, "o, well, then forget it." so then she started asking me questions about her, and some of them i couldnt say because if i did, she would figure out that it was her. then, all of a sudden, she goes, "gasp. i know who it is!" and im like, "who?" and then, she does this really weirdo thing, she types her name, but backwards. i didnt get it the first time, but after she typed it a few more times, i realized it, but i didnt let her know that i got it. i suppose in some ways im relieved that she finally figured it out w/o me having to tell her, but im nervous as to where this is going to lead. yesterday, i was IMing her again, and it went something like this:

Me: so tell me more about "aicirt" lol. does she go to our school?
Her: yeah
Me: hmm. what grade is she in?
Her: ours
Me: how do you know her if i dont? we are talking human, right?
Her: NO. she is an elephant!
Me: then youre definitely wrong, im not in love with an elephant
Her: yes you are
Me: what makes you so sure?
Her: the elephant
Me: did this elephant tell you im in love w/ her?
Her: yeah
Me: well, then she's a lying sack of potatoes
Her: no, shes an elephant
Me: well, shes a lying elephant
Her: NO, shes just an elephant!

and so on. so, as you can see. im in a very weird place. but, o well. i handled it before, i can try to handle it again. who knows? maybe we can give it another go.
Love,
Me