I am terrible when I have to do something like write an essay. I imagine it to take up my entire days, but if you actually look at how much of them I ACTUALLY WORK, it turns out I hardly work at all. Like now, I am writing on my essay, and after typing down two disheartened sentences, I surf to Oasismag... then back again to the word document which will be my essay, and back to Oasismag or some other distraction. (And I stay at the distraction much longer than with the work.)
Yeah, that's one reason why I'm here so often.
I can't believe I usually always get my stuff done. But I do somehow, luckily. Just - it would seem I could do it so much quicker...
And now I even write this boring rant and find my distraction in that. MAN! unbelievable. Why don't I just write that essay?

you ask me how I liked it.
I say that it was good.

but you just keep on listenig

the shy compliant girl in me
obeys your waiting ears.
spits out more words.

Your waiting ears are flattering,
they're friendly, they're sincere.
I want to be cooperative.
But, like,
how
did I - feel?

I felt at times, as if there were -

I'm happy I was here - I think.

Perhaps - I'll cry when I get home.

I appreciate your waiting ear.

my words don't do their proper job.
they don't obey the rules.
Do conversation! Back and forth!
Make sense! Go on! Now stop!

Your ears were first to break the rules.
They were a revelation.
Can't tell you how I felt - I
think I don't get the question.

That's what your ears brought home to me.
Did my loss for words
bring home to you
the sweetness of your
listening ears?

I am doing some work for school, and I come across this letter (reprinted in an autobiography) which I found fun to read and wanted to share with you: I deleted a few words to conceal the topic she is writing about, but I'll reveal it at the end of the post. It is written by an upper-class woman in England.

"Wednesday, February 24, 1909.
"My angel mother, - I don't know whether I shall post this to you or see you first. I want to have a letter ready.
"Don't be startled or afraid. I have something to tell you which - with the help of recent presentiments - you, I know, are half expecting to hear.
"If you ever see this letter it will mean that (...) For months I have been planning this letter to you, but now that the time has come, it is not any easier to write for that. Of course, my hope has been all along that I should be able to take you into my confidence, that I should have the perhaps all-undeserved yet heaven-like joy of knowing that though you could not share all my (...), yet that you would understand why I held them, and, granted these, you would further understand my action and the great sacrifice which I know it means to you. My darling Muddy, you will never know, I trust, the pain it is to have to do this thing without your sympathy and help - with, on the contrary, the certainty that it shocks you and hurts you and makes you suffer in numberless ways. Hardly a day has passed but what I have tried to feel my way with you, tried to convert you - not to my (...), difference there does not matter, but to my intended conduct in connection with them. Every day I have failed. (...) For your sake I have tried never to tell you an actual lie in words. I have not done this, and that is, perhaps, why you have your suspicions. But to my conscience that is no easier. It was my intention to deceive you, and I have deceived you, and, for all practical purposes, successfully. (...)"

So, what does that make you think of? Coming out or coming out? Coming out caricatured?

Well, this woman - Lady Constance Lytton - is actually not telling her mom she's gay, but that she's joined a militant women's movement and that she's joining a deputation (which is a small demonstration) to parliament, demanding to meet the Prime Minister. (And at that time, that meant she'd be arrested.)
Made me think: Different times, different reasons for which you have to "come out". At her time, it was unheard-of for a woman to be a political activist. Thus, it was something you'd have to come out in such a dramatic way.

Friends of my parents had a baby. It's a boy. When the mom was carrying him and holding him in front of her chest, he grabbed her breast. His dad, a very charming and sociable person, - everybody loves him and wants to be his friend - had to do some straight bonding by making a joke about that. In his amiable and disarming way, he laughed and said: "Haha, he is already very good at that!" Yes, his little 5-months-old son will later be a heterosexual casanova, of course! What other thought could have entered the proud dad's mind?

And everybody seemed to be pleased by the joke, fostering affectionate feelings for the young parents and their cute baby son. Their cute straight baby son, I should probably say.

I wish I had made a comment. A slightly cynical comment which would have made them realize that they should not assume that their boy will be straight. "O, so you're bringing your boy up straight?" Something like that.

I want to find a group with whom to distribute flyers to parents of little babies.

IMPORTANT MESSAGE!
Don't assume your cute litte thing will be straight!
Wait until they tell you whether or not they are!
DANGER!
Failure to comply with these instructions can cause enourmous human suffering!

This flyer ought to be in every glossy magazine and advisory book for prospective and actual parents. It ought to be in the information material of every adoption agency and on every delivering mom's bedside table!

It is unbelievable how two people can share some events and communication, and they interpret it so differently. I even feel a bit inhibited to write frankly about everything because I don't want anybody to track me down here and know that story. But I want to write. So let's try to push these concerns aside...

I just (yesterday) had to learn that what to me had been committed flirting and mutual interest and affection and respect was actually all that only for me, but not for her. She told me that she had never been interested in me, that I am not her type, that if she had been interested she would not have hesitated to get what she wanted (I feel a bit offended by that... as if I don't have a say in that...), and that she was only flirting because she knows no other way to be. and because I was doing it so intensely. Well maybe I should be grateful that she wasn't denying that she was flirting, that would have really removed my last trust that I can kind of assess what is happening. But even so, I have a hard time understanding that what I thought happened is apparently not what really happened.

She is certainly not innocent in that confusion. when we met the day after we had first met, she told me that the night before, she had just wanted to have sex with me, and that if i had asked her to come to my place, she would not have said no.
what she tells me now is that she only said that because she is bad at saying she's not interested. I think it's a bad excuse. I actually don't understand how one can say something like that if it is not true. To make fun of the other person? Because she can't say she is not interested, like she told me now? But I did not ask her if she's interested, she just brought that topic up out of the blue. I don't deny I maybe signaled her I was interested. I don't deny I liked to hear her say that. But is that enough so that she could understand my behavior as putting her in a position where she had to say she had wanted sex the other day, cause if she didn't, it would amount to saying she is not interested. I really have a hard time understanding it.

I told her that yesterday, that I have a hard time believing what she says now, and that she maybe remembers things like she wants them to be, not like they really were. She insisted that she remembered them like they were for her, and ensured me again how much she was NOT interested in me, and had NEVER BEEN, etc.

There were a few specific things which to me had clearly indicated that she was interested, and I brought them up. she gave explanations what they had meant to her, and I accepted most of it. I think I accepted her story, at least most of it, the major message. She told me that if I don't believe her (that she was never only to the least interested) it is my ego. that I can't put up with the fact of not being wanted. I don't know. yes and maybe and no. yes and maybe because I notice my ego is there. I also notice a dream is taken away from me and I don't want to let it be taken away so easily. But then the dream is gone anyway. Either taken oway, or maybe rather it's content has changed, so that it is not such a nice dream anymore which ties me to it. Like when I believe her that she had made that sex comment without meaning it, then it changes my picture of her: not only that she did not want me, but also that she is quite respectless of me and did not shy away from misleading me.
No (to the accusation of not believing her because of my ego) because I am eager to know the true story, and when I can see how it was that I misinterpreted her intentions, then I might grudge, but grudgingly I accept that I had misinterpreted someting. And I readjust my image of reality.

any similar experiences??

I went to C. today, an excursion with K. [LGBT student association] which I organized, to see an art exhibition, mostly about gay and lesbian sexuality and transgender, and it was VERY NICE!! It was very nice and I am happy. I could just repeat that over and over again. I enjoyed the exhibition (it was huge, I could have spent hours there!!), I liked the group, I was proud that so many people (14) had signed up, they also liked it, everything worked out (we did not miss the train, stuff like that), a great and exciting day. WOW! So nice. Happy.

shit! Man!

I have to sort out this fucking phone bill problem of my student house. We have about more than 100 Eurp dept on our account, and this is not my fault, but the girl who took care of the phone bill before I started doing it. And now I have to annoy people who don't even live here any more, and bug them to pay their old dept, and part of the general dept where nobody knows where it comes from. I have so often wanted to simply say: No, I don't want to do this task. It is not my fault. Task rejected. Give me another one. But of course I know it is not possible. Then we get the next angry letter from the bank saying that we need to pay our dept, other wise --- I don't know actually what they will do otherwise. But they seem serious.
This has given me so much trouble... if the dept were just 30 Euro instead of 100, I would simply pay it all by myself just to not have to deal with it any more. But more than 100 Euro, that's a bit too much for me.

On top of that, I just read an explanation from my gyneocologist about one laboratory blood test they did on me, explaining that I have some high value of some hormones. Probably everything is okay, but it is advisable to do another blood test, and then I have to come between the 3rd and ___ (I forgot, but it's a rather narrow time frame) of my period to have them take blood. And since I still go to that gyneocologist who lives in my parent's city, 7 hours travelling away from where I live now, this means that I either have to make sure to be at my parents' place at exactly that day of my period (how can I reasonably plan that?? I don't have any holidays coming up), or I have to look for a gyneocologist here and have my old one explain her what she needs to do. But I don't very much like that idea either.
So those prospects, next to the alternative that I am probably fine but that there is this risk that I have this strange hormone problem (don't even know what that would mean...), are not really cheering me up after this phone bill dept shit. !!!!! Damn. Help!

And on top of all that, the woman who has captured my thoughts pretty much most of the time these days, and for whom I started using msn a few days ago, is not online
:-( Maybe it is good because I would probably be not a very inspiring msn chat partner right now, but nooo!! I still simply want to talk to her!

I should do something. It is too early to go to bed, but all I can think of doing can't motivate me.
So will I continue ranting ranting ranting until ...I don't know... that woman comes online?

Saturday I went to this K. party (K. is my school's LGBT student organization), and I had a funny encounter. One guy S. whom I know from K. introduced me to his friend R. The context, as I soon realized, was a bit like this (written from the perspective of S.): well, this is my friend R., and he actually wants to join Kaleidoscope, but he's too shy, so maybe you can talk to him a bit and break the ice and make him more confident in joining (or simply coming to our activities, without necessarily joining.)
So when I say my name (J.), R. reacts like: "O, I know you, I read your postings on this online forum! " The online forum he is referring to is of our university, and we had long debates there when we first started setting up K. We used it to help promote the first meetings, but we also had long and heated debates, first about the reasons for our initiative, then about the situation of gays and lesbians in society, and about our framework to evaluate society, etc. I did express strong opinions on that forum , especially in response to some opinions which stated that our environment is actually so open-minded and "tolerant" that there is no need for specific LGBT organizing, and that if we nevertheless do it, we are responsible for creating divisions, etc. Something like that. I think I wrote about those discussions before, in my other journal entry, and I'm not going to repeat it. Just the imprtant thing here is that I expressed strong opinions, and that I wrote about my political views and was critical about the society in which we live.
Back to that conversation at the party. Recognizing me as the person who had written these comments, R. told me:
"O my God, I can't believe this is you. I imagined you completely different!"
I urged him to explain more. It turned out that somehow he had imagined me to be blonde, short and "well-proportioned", as he put it. (And I happen to be tall, dark-haired and flat-chested.) But beyond that, he also said :
"well, on the forum you seemed angry, and really dissatisfied, and bitter.... and now, you are kind, and friendly and happy"
This is what I still have to laugh about. I found it very flattering that I appeared kind and happy and friendly. But I still absolutely agree with what I posted on this forum, so I guess that makes me still angry and dissatisfied. I also thought it was kind of weird/funny that after doing small-talk with me for not even 2 minutes, he seemed to know that I was happy and kind and apparently that was a contrast to angry. I AM ANGRY AND KIND! I AM HAPPY AND DISSATISFIED. After each other, or simultaneously. I definitely disagreew with him that if I am angry and dissatisfied with some things (how could any reasonable person not be?), that therefore I cannot enjoy myself at a party, and be friendly and confident and relaxed. Maybe I liked that encounter so much because it made me think that I can do both. It's just that he did not quite realize this. (I mean, I am not always a good smalll-talkers at parties, and often when I am in bigger groups I find it hard not to be at the margins of it, not to be overlooked. It depends a lot on the group, of course, but I just mean that being called nice and friendly and kind -- maybe he even said charming - is not something which I can take for granted. My leading role in this whole K. business has certainly given me a lot of confidence.

I of course also thought that maybe it is his stereotypes, that if women have strong opinions and if they are critical, then it means that they must be bitter and would not be friendly small-talkers at a party.

So in any case, that was a nice start of the party. We then continued a discussion about transgender. He was arguing that by being inclusive of transgender people and communicating this to the outside world by calling ourselves "lgbt' organization, we are alienating straight people, whose acceptance (in his opinion) seemed the highest good for which we should strive. In his view, one should first fight for the acceptance of gays, lesbians, and bisexuals, and once that is achieved, we could fight for the acceptance of transgender. I of course disagreed, but I could not really convince him, I'm afraid. He even said that the T in our name was part of the reasons for his reluctance to become a member. I thought that was sad.

The party still had a very nice ending because I met a fantistic woman. We won't see each other again for half a year now, though, because she is travelling. but thinking of her puts a smile on my face, and I won't type out the story now, because it is too beautifully delicate. more for dreaming than for writing down.

This is my first post and that makes it difficult. I always want to make beginnings special, and am frightened by them. As if everything that follows will be tainted if the beginning is not good. But now I am already over the difficult part and can proceed to what I want to tell:

I started an LGBT student organization and I love it. Its name is Kaleidoscope. I am proud of it, and a little bit self-conscious about my pride. (Am I showing off too much?) But okay, this is how it is, so why not state that I am proud if that's the case. Of course I did not start it all by myself, but with other people. This is the biography of the organization so far, from my perspective:

I had this class in sociology on "Identity", and during one discussion one guy came out as gay. In the break after that discussion I came out to him as well (as lesbian). It was quite a nice moment of recognizing each other, especially since this class had already treated so many issues (identity, racism, domination, exclusion, ...) that I was already so self-conscious about being "other", different from the reast of the class. So at that moment, there was this very relieving realization that I am not the only one, that we are at least two who find themselves on the other side of all this talk about (sexual) identity.
Anyway, still in the break, we talked about there being no LGBT student organization at our university and that it would be about time to start one. We were joking and being serious at the same time. I mean, as it later turned out, we were both serious, but we were talking as if we were joking. I think that's a common strategy of reducing the risk that is associated with saying something. I just pretend I am joking, and if other people completely disagree withwhat I said, I cannot be hurt because I was only joking anyway.
One girl who was also in the classroom when the gay guy (his name is K.) and I were talking about how stupid it is that there is no LGBT organization, joined in our conversation, asking "Is there a need for such an organization?". At first I did not get her question and misunderstood her to say that there already was an LGBT or gay organization. But when I eventually understood her question, I did not know what to answer. To me it is obvious that there is a "need" for some kind of queer organizing. Of course I can think about that obviousness and put it into words, but honestly I just found the question offensive, suggesting that there was no need for it and that if I thought there was, I was perhaps overtly sensitive or had personal problems with my sexuality, or the like.
I should perhaps mention that I live in the Netherlands. I think that homosexuality is much less despised here than in the United States [where I suspect most of the readers of this journal entry..]. But an awareness of this fact is also misused against gays, lesbians and bisexuals. I feel it is used to keep us down: "Here in the Netherlands homosexuality is completely accepted, so what is your problem? You want to start a gay student organization? Well I think it is strange to set yourself apart, aren't we all equal? Why do you make this separatist, exclusive move? Of course in other countries, homosexuality is not accepted, and that is not nice, but here in the Netherlands you have no reason to complain." These are the kinds of arguments I did get to hear in the last few weeks. When I only hear somebody say "here in the Netherlands" when we talk about anything relating to homosexuality! This kind of talk makes me really angry. As if I have to be grateful to all the nice people in power that they are so tolerant not to want to imprison me, or as if I have to be gratful that I haven't been beaten up for going to a gay pride march, and out of this greatfulness keep my mouth shut about all the "minor" issues.
Now I can write this without getting really angry and miserable, but a few weeks ago, I just couldn't even think about what I just wrote down without getting so distressed! Let me just add one more coment before I get back to the biography of Kaleidoscope, and this is that Teun A. van Dijk identified "Denial of Racism" as a really common form of racism, especially in elite discourses in European contexts. And I think the same argument can be made in relation to homophobia, or heterosexism, or whatever name we want to give to the social institution that subordinates non-straight people to straight people.

Now back to the story. I did not know a good answer to the comment of that girl who perhaps suggested that an LGBT organization was not necessary. But later I contacted K. again and asked him seriously what he thought about trying to start an LGBT organization. It turned out that he was also seriously interested in doing it. So we came together, talked things through, and decided that we would first try to start something at our faculty by sending an e-mail to all students of our faculty.

I will try to speed up things a bit because I want to get to the current point: So that's what we did. We formulated an e-mail and paid particular attention to keeping it very open and make clear that we look for people who want to contribute to setting up an organization, and that the specific type of organization was still open. For example if it would pridominantly be for and by LGBT people, or if it would be more of a gay-straight alliance. The evening before I sent the e-mail I felt very bad. I had told one of my roommates about our plans to send e-mails to all students of our faculty, and she was quite discouraging. She suggested that really few people would probably answer and that there would also be stupid talking if I come out in that way. She also asked that same question of why there is a need for "such a group", which felt like an attack to me. I was really quite miserable after our conversation: not only because of the "why is there a need" question but also because of the way how she talked about this anti-gay world without criticizing it. To me it seemed like she was allying herself with this anti-gay world she described. By now we talked more, and I explained what I found offensive in what she had said and she really understood something and was sorry. So happy ending to this incident.
Giving up on my plan to speed the story up, I have to share another little incident because it was funny. Just before I sent the e-mail, I read a birthday card from my grandmother, to whom I am NOT out. She sent me her best wishes for my birthday, but more in particular she wrote that she was proud of the fact that I am so independent and that I engage in so many activities and cultivate so many interests. And she wished me good luck with my most immediate plans for the future! As I said, I am not out to her, and the idea of coming out to her is not particularly welcoming. But I totally read her congratulations and wishes in the light of my plans to start an LGBT organization. It fitted perfectly; and I enjoyed the idea of having my grandmother encourage my LGBT activism without her even knowling of it.
I sent the e-mail, and when there was a really enthusiastic reply very soon after I had hit the "send" buttom, I cannot even describe how happy it made me. I had been more and more surrounded by frightening homophobic scenarios, so that a significant part of my motivation to send the e-mail had been accupied by a militant sense of "All you homophobes, come out, you are welcome to be my enemy!" Getting this one enthusiastic reply would have the power to compensate for hundreds of negative reactions. But there were not even so many negative reactions.
After this action, our group grew from two people to five. We came together with the five of us and decided that we would like to start an organization on the level of the university, not just our faculty. We managed to get a short message in the official periodical mail which the university sends to all students and faculty members, inviting people for the first big meeting. We also put a small add into the university newspaper and distributed a few flyers at a gay/lesbian/bi party. Plus there is an online forum of our university, and we got an LGBT/queer sub-section on that forum.
The next mile stone: the first big meeting: 14 people showed up, nice atmosphere, nice people, I was happy. We discussed a name, our aims, and the procedure to become an official student association. And a smaller group still went into a bar afterwards and kept chatting until 1am. Very nice. Lots of sex talk also, I have to say. I think talking about sex is one of the easiest ways of bonding. Of course it only works if the framework of the talk is open enough to include the experiences (or "non-experiences") of the people with whom the bonding is supposed to take place.
Finally, the last milestone so far: The next meeting, which took place today. We were eight people, and we decided on a name: Kaleidoscope!!!! I really like it. It is very open, does not suggest limitation to any identity, suggests diversity and can also be invoked to explain that we want people to get a different view on the social world. Just like you get a different view of things when you look through a kaleidoscope. Your old stereotypes and arrogant presuppositions should break down just like the shapes of the objects which you see through a kaleidoscope! I really love the name. Names are important, they can make me feel good or bad. This one makes me feel good. It is also a playful, friendly, nice, fun thing to do, looking through a kaleidoscope. Something which children (often) love to do.
We also formulated our aims and distributed tasks and made a more concrete plan for the future. Yeah, it is going fine, the initiative is working out, something is born, created out of nothing, I cannot believe it. I look forward to the future, and I will report back again.

Is anyone still here? Anyone reading, anyone being the person with whom I share this?