About a year ago I finally admitted to myself that I am the
biggest dyke in my town. Not only that, but one of the few.
Now, a little over a year later, I've decided that I'm going
to throw myself back into the closet.

I am content with my sexuality and I've learned that it's only
a part of me. I'm sure you all are probably starting to say
to yourself, "Why the hell would you put yourself back into
the closet after you spent all that time getting yourself out
of it?" My reasoning is simple, but it might also be thought
of as pretty damn stupid. I'm going to join the military.

Yikes. Wow. Yea, I know. Crazy. All my life, I always had a
soft spot in my heart for the military. In high school I
thought about joining a few times. Wasn't 100% sure on it at
the time, but as we all saw that thought didn't last very long.

After my step dad's funeral, which was a military funeral by
the way, I began noticing things that I would have never taken
a second glace at, hadn't it been for the military funeral. I'm
not one to listen to so-called "signs", but holy hell they were
just screaming at me.

I know the signs have always been around, but this was the first
time in a long time that I actually listened to them. I've figured
it all out. I'm not going to go to my recruter until August. Need
to save up money and get into better shape. Plus I have a few
bills that need to still get paid. Not only that but work is going
to start picking up here soon and I can't just leave them in a
lurch. Plus signing up takes months. They're super slow.

After discussing this whole subject with a few friends and them
telling me that that sounds like something I would do, and they
support me...well some of them...I made my final decision. I even
told the gf. She wasn't too happy. I totally understand why she
doesn't like the idea and why it disappoints her so much, but
we don't even know if I'll be able to get in. See, I don't have
the best knees, but they're up to par now.

She said that she supports me, but she really hopes that I don't
get in. *Nice, isn't it?* She told me that when I go in for my
phsyical she's going to kick me in the shins, and only nurture
me back to health if I don't get in. She's really worried about
the whole thing though because I've figured out everything that
I plan on doing up until the time comes for when they tell me
if I'm in or not.

I'm not going to break up with her before I even go see my recruter
and get told that I'm not eligible due to my knees, because then
I lose two things in my life that I really want. But staying with
her will be even harder if I do get in because it'll all be very
secretive. I told her that I don't know what I'm going to do yet.
All I know is that it's going to be hard no matter what happens.

Anywho, now that I've bored you all with this sob story. I'm going
to go and eat dinner with my mom, who I haven't shared this whole
topic with yet either. I'll just keep it on the D.L until the time
comes to go see the recruter. You all have a great day. And maybe
one day I'll be back. Wish me luck.

My sister in law just called with some bad news. Recently
there was a fire at an apartment complex in town. We all
heard about it, but we didn't know who was involved yet.
It was started by a crazy ex-husband, and ended up killed
the ex-wife and her fiance'.

As it turns out, the fiance, was my stepdad. Well, my mom's
ex-husband. The one man who loved my mother when she thought
that would never be possible again. The man who took on a woman
with 4 children and brought them all to america. The man who
was more like a real father to me than my actual.

And here I am, stuck having to tell my mother that the man she
still loves is dead. How do I tell her this?

Inhale.
Exhale.
Hold it.
Hold it.
Slowly release.
And Scream.

Yup, that explains it with no questions to ask except for one:
Why the scream?

Why the scream? That is a good question, with a few so-so, la-la
answers. Mostly it's out of frustration. It's slightly out of
anger. Annoyance? The inability to feel as if I'm in control? A
lot of interesting answers, but the truth is I can't explain why
I feel this way. I wish I could.

My biggest reason behind all of this is because of our breakup.
The only issue is, I still haven't let myself take and think about
the details that surrounded it all. I'm blocking out the pain,
anger, and hurt. I refuse to let myself think about it all yet.
It's only been five days, but it feels like a life time. I wish
I could just hear her voice once more.

I kept telling her that I need time. I think she's finally given
it to me, but I can't handle it. The perfect quote to how I'm
feeling right now comes from Taking Back Sunday's new song,
"MakeDamnSure" -- You are everything I want, Cause you are every
thing I'm not.

Ouch. I hurt. I've never had a hangover in my life, but as I've
been told it feels a lot like what I'm feeling right now. My body
aches, everywhere. My legs. Arms. Brain. Lungs. But most of all,
my heart. It kills. I have this crazy mad headache that hasn't
gone away in over 23 hours and counting. Everytime I move I feel
as if I have to vomit. And just to make matters worse, I just
threw away the best thing that's ever happened to me.

I couldn't deal with her anymore. She hurt me in a way that no
one could EVER fix. She did the one thing that I never wanted
to have to deal with, and I thought with her I wouldn't ever
need to go into major details on the subject. WHY DID SHE CHOOSE
TO MIX HER PRESCRIPTION DRUGS WITH SOMETHING ELSE PLUS A SHIT LOAD
OF ALCOHOL??? I don't take lightly to drugs and I felt that her
saying that she's not into them either meant that she'd think
twice about taking them. I guess not, right?

I feel as if I'm the bad person in all of this. The entire time
she was sitting on my bed trying to talk to me, I wanted her to
go. But at the same time I wanted her to stay. I do love her. I
know I do, but I can't sit there and watch her fuck her life up
and not do anything. I can't be apart of that. I didn't want to
loose her to an accidental overdose or side effect of mixing them
with alcohol. I've seen what the does to people and in my past
I've had others choose their goddamn drugs over me, and I can't
have that happen again.

I feel so lost. I just want the pain to end. It's taken everything
I have not to do anything stupid to myself, but I'm not sure how
much longer that's going to last. I can't hold out forever. This
sucks.

I am the black dot on the white paper. The same one that the
kindergarden teacher places on said sheet of paper and asks the
6 year olds, "What is this?" So naive, yet unafraid to answer with
a silly response, they shout out, "It's the world!" or "The top
of President Lincoln's top hat!" or "The bug I smushed under my
shoe last week!" We all chuckle and smile at those answers, but
a childs' purity is brave.

They look at this world that we live in, this cruel and evil world,
with open eyes and open hearts. Brave is what we all want to be, but
what we all can't be due to the fact that we are too afraid of what
they'll do to us. What the haters will do to us.

As children we feared thunderstorms and large animals, never another
person. These days we fear subjects such as our parents, bad grades,
coming home late, and for us (you, me, and everyone on Oasis) we fear
the haters. The homophobes. The bastards who can't -- more like won't
-- accept us as people.

Society raised some of us into lovers, and some of us into haters.
Some will grow out of the hating stage and their eyes will be opened,
showing them that love is love. It's black and white. It has no actual
color. No actual race. No actual sex. No anything. Love is love. That's
it. Nothing more, nothing less.

The ones who don't grow out of the hating stage, well, all I can say
for them is, "I'm sorry." I'm sorry that they were raised to believe
that love has restrictions and rules. It's a shame that that's how it
has to be for them. It shouldn't.

Yet, after all this ranting and raving, I am still the black dot on the
empty white sheet of paper. I fear many subjects, yet I'm too afraid
to admit it. I feel small, almost invisible, and getting smaller by the
second. I fear my past, my present, my future. I fear never being happy.
I fear I will never make someone happy. But most of all I feel as if I
am a failure. A failure to myself. A failure to my family, my friends,
my girlfriend. I feel I am a failure to everyone I meet.

Recently, my glass has been half empty. Never have I felt so pessimistic.
Yet, strangely, I have never felt so complete as I've been feeling. I
may feel invisible and becoming smaller, but for once I feel as if I'm
where I should be, even though I do feel as if I am a failure. My mind
and heart have been set free to wander this earth aimlessly, yet with
more passion and anxiety than ever. It is the fear of not knowing what's
to come that has me coming back for more. It has me wanting more.

I may not be happy, but I am satisfied with where I am at.

A friend of mine sent this paragraph to me this morning and I felt that
it should be shared. If you really think about it, there is more truth
behind the statement than anything. Enjoy.

SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT: Slavery was also a traditional institution,
based on traditions that went back to the very beginnings of human
history- further back, even, than marriage as we know it. But by the
19th century, humanity had generally recognized the evils of that
institution, and has since made a serious effort to abolish it. Why
not recognize the truth that there is no moral ground on which to
support the tradition of marriage as a strictly heterosexual institution,
and remove the restriction?

So much has gone on with me in the last few weeks that I have
no idea where to really start. I feel bad that I haven't been
on oasis much these last 3+ weeks, but it's kinda of nice to
know that I don't have to come here every day and try to get
my thoughts straightened out.

My girlfriend and I are coming up on our one month, tomorrow
actually. We've had our "issues" and have gotten through them
with only a slight snag or two. She's my everything and I'm
super glad that I've got her in my life.

On the other hand, the one downfall about being with her is
that she lives an hour away and I don't have a car, so I can't
even spend our one month with her. :( Oh well, shit happens,
right? I suppose if we can hold our own on a semi-long distance
relationship, it'll make our relationship stronger, correct?
Just let me think that, okay? :)

Even though my mom will talk to me about Jeanine, my girlfriend,
she still hasn't asked me if there's something more going on
between her and I. I mean, I know she knows that I'm seeing her,
but I find it weird that she won't ask me about it, ever! I
sort of just want her to be like, "Sooo, Jeanine...is she more
than just a friend...?" Just a simple little bit of acceptance
from her would make my day. Other than that the relationship I
have with my mother has gotten stronger.

I've been working a lot more these days and don't spend my entire
weekend couped up inside my house anymore. Which is totally great.
This afternoon I actually splurged and spent money on a cell phone.
Crazy thought knowing that A)I spent money and B)on a cell phone
of all things. But I'm sure it's going to be money well spent. Plus,
it was about time for me to get a cell, even though I hate the
bastards.

Hmmm...well, with my coming out issue...I have come out to my niece's
mom. Well, she kinda figured it out herself after she saw the
hickies on my neck from Jeanine. I simply said, "oh yea I'm gay by the
way." Her response to that was "Oh that's cool. Whatever makes you
happy. Just don't tell your brother." Yea, not like I'm going to
actually have a conversation with my brother on what's going on in
my sex/relationship life.

I hate the spring. Sammie's leaving for school soon. I think I'm
going to go crazy without that girl here. Oh well. I'll get over
it. Well, now that I've pretty much gotten everything out on the
table that I wanted to. I'm out for the night. Hope someone is bored
enough to read this so it's not like I talked to myself for the
last 10 minutes or so...

Crazy question! *This comes into play later in my entry, but not
everyone reads this much so I gotta ask up here*
Does seeing heterosexual couples kiss or make out or show any form
of P.D.A. gross you out???

Last two weeks have been absolutely crazy. Make that three weeks
actually. I meet the most wonderful woman in the world. Never in
my life have I been so giddy around someone. I know I sorta got
on this subject a few entries ago, but I was told that I needed
to get into some more details about it. It was when I went to the
cities for the week that she messaged me on myspace of all places.

I made my myspace account because a lot of my friends who are away
at college are using it, and it has become a very easy way to keep
in touch with them. I was never planning on actually meeting someone
there. Anyways, she had messaged me, just a simple "hey what's up"
making the small talk. The first thing that came to my mind was,
"Oh cool a new person to talk to. Awesome." Well, that one evening
of chatting for maybe 45minutes tops continuted the next day, for
nine flippin' hours! What the hell can I talk about for nine hours?

She lives near by, not in the same town as myself, but close enough
where I can go at least once a week to visit her. Unfortunately, she's
technically jailbait being only 17 while I myself am turning 20 this
year. Oh well, I've gotten over it. But shhhh, don't tell anyone who'll
care...But there was just something about her that automatically made
me think twice about her after that nine hour conversation. Her smile
is beautiful. Her humor fits in with mine.

All around she is just wonderful and makes me want to be better all
around. Plus the conversation with her has only gotten better as the
weeks went on. Whatelse can I say, there's now someone in my life that
means more to me than just a friend. I have never felt that before.

To continue on with what's been going on. My mother keeps asking if my
friend Joe and I are an item. I've totally given up on trying to tell
her that there's nothing between him and I nor any guy for that matter.
I don't know what it'll take to have her finally get to the understanding
stage of my sexuality. It's not that hard of a concept to grasp!

My sister and I have been talking a lot. She's told me a couple of times
now that she absolutely approves of my sexual preferance and has no
issues about it. And of course she asks the random questions. My favorite
one so far has been about heterosexual couples. Her boss is gay, and
they've recently been having a lot of conversations about homosexuality
now that they sorta kinda have something incommon.

Anyways, one day they were talking about how he is absolutely disgusted
when it comes to seeing heterosexuals kiss. It drives him nuts, so my
sister being the curious person that she is asked me if it grosses me
out. Well, it does not. I've been around it all my life and it's just
love. I told her that even we as a homosexual community have to be
accepting of the heterosexual community, just like how some of them try
to be accpeting of us.

This morning I had a job interview and I got the job, so I'm pretty
psyched about that. I start on Sunday. I get to work with Sammie, which
could be pretty bad since her and I goof around a lot. But it'll be
fun and I know I need to control myself. I'll do my best.

Another thing that happened to me this week is I broke my toe. Let's just
say when you were younger and your mother and father told you to pick
up your feet, yea listen to that comment. They really did mean it. :)
I kicked the gate infront of my room and it wasn't very hard, but I hit
the foot on there just right where it broke my little toe. I've never
had such a colorful toe before. Oh well, it'll heal sooner or later.

Well, last week during snowboarding my friend April broke her arm! I ended
up spending that night in the ER instead of on the hill. She was wearing
her Fall Out Boy tshirt from the concert she went to last summer, but in
order for the doctor to look at her arm we had to cut it off of her! So
I'm sitting there in the room with scissors in my hand cutting off her all
time FAVORITE shirt, ever! I felt so bad. I went home and the next day, I
went online and found the exact same shirt and bought it.

Yea, well, today I got a phone call from the company, "I'm sorry ma'am,
but our supplier no longer has that shirt in stock!" I almost shit my
pants. I was so flippin' pissed. So I sat on the phone with this lady for
a little while and tried to find a different Fall Out Boy shirt for April.
I'm still a little pissed about that, but oh well. Nothing I can do
about that now.

Well, that's all I've got for the time being. That's been my life for
the last few weeks and/or days. And never eat hard twizzlers, they do
not taste very great.

RENT was amazing! The stage performance is 100x's better than the
film. I was in awe throughout the entire performance. If you ever
have the chance to see it on stage, take it! You will love it. I
just had to tell you all that because it's marvelous. And now that
it's all done and over with, I'm sad. I want to see it again. :)

Never in my life have I ever had such a great full 7 day
week, and counting. I have had nothing but pure joy and
giddiness from this week. I found the perfect girl. What
she's done for me emotionally is something I've never felt
before. I didn't even know that I could feel this way. It's
been absolutely great.

My next wonderful news for the week is that RENT weekend
has finally come. Saturday morning we leave for Appleton.
Two days there with my closest friends, just a girls weekend.
Much needed. It's going to be a blast. Sammie and I have
been waiting for RENT weekend since the day we bought the
tickets. We're so pathetic. But it's great!

My mom and I have been getting along rather well these days.
I think my week in Minneapolis did that. That was such a great
week. I have never been so glad to have no one bothering me
for 8+ hours a day. It was also something that was much needed.

Tonight I'm going snowboarding for the first time since my nice
concussion. That fall was so flippin' fun. But of course now
I have to promise someone special that I won't hurt myself, which
does suck a little, but it's not to have someone actually caring.
I have never felt so cheesy in my life. But I like it. :)

That's about it for now. Good times for me to come. Can't wait
for this weekend. Oh yea, Sammie and I bought the RENT DVD and
we've watched it every day since we got them. :) Again, we are
so pathetic. Oh well.

As my mornings usually go, Sammie called. I was still half asleep,
so she said that she'd call me back later. A cup of coffee and an
hour later, she called me back. First thing that comes out of her
mouth is, "I don't know how I'm going to be able to make it in Iowa
without you. If I could, I would so turn into a lesbian just so I
could spend more time with you!" Now there's a great friend.

I need something, but what that is I do not know. I shouldn't
say that I do not know, because I do to an extent. But what I
don't know is how to go about reaching for this thing. I need
the support of my mother. I need her to believe. She needs to
accept me for me.

Everytime I bring home a new friend, which always happen to
be guys, it becomes an inquisition. "He's not boyfriend material,
is he?" It is as if that's all my mother thinks about. And when
I answer no, she becomes joyful, yet she will not accept the
fact that her little girl is a lesbian.

I avoid the topic of guys and girls with her at all costs, due
to the one and only time I told her that I'm gay and she only
said, "I don't think you are." That's my nightmare. My fear. Is
that all she'll ever believe on the subject? Will she ever let
her fears and disagreement on the subject subside and finally
accept me for me?

I've been wandering my house since my freakout a couple weeks
ago,and all I want her to do is ask, "Are you okay? Are you
sure? You don't seem like you are. Is there anything you want
to talk about?" She asks the first question all the time, but
her tone is telling me 'don't answer that. I don't want to
hear it.' I know my mind is making this more dramatic than it
needs to be, but she never questions me more.

Why can't she be more understanding than she is? Why can't she
be more like my friends on this subject? Why can't she be more
like my siblings on this subject? At least they believe me.

Being able to say, "Yes, I am gay" to random people is a great
joy, but when it comes to my mother and this entire part of my
life, it makes me feel like the pride in myself is more like a
burden. All I want is for her to believe me. Is that too much
to ask for?

I finally reached my limit of shit I'm willing to take.
I fuckin' snapped. I hit the wall. 4 fuckin' years of
keeping myself together enough to keep sane, and I just
slipped. My emotions were raging and I couldn't take it
any longer. Sat there on my bedroom floor and took the blade
to my wrist. Instant satisfaction. Slowly the frustration
and anger that had built up was erased. Still feel like shit,
but definately feel better than before. I keep trying to
tell myself that I'm sorry for doing it, but I'm not. Why
the fuck should I tell myself I'm sorry, if that's now how
I'm feeling?

I've come to the conclusion that I mention snowboarding way
too much in my journal entries, but that's not stopping me
today. Over the past few weeks I've been going boarding on
Thursdays with a couple of my snowboarding buddies. Well, we
kept running into these two guys, Ty and Joe. At first it was
just a random exchange of words here or there, but then as
we kept seeing them we started to hang out more.

Well, on Friday night Ty was suppose to come and eat dinner
with a bunch of us at Drags, a local Italian joint. We had
decided on Thursday that he would come with us, we exchanged
numbers and all that good stuff. Well, technically speaking,
he gave his number to my friends to remember. Then I defaced
government property and wrote it down on a dollar bill. Which
by the way is no longer in my grasp, aka I gave it to the
waitress as a tip because when I called it I was told by some
dumb computer inhanced voice that the number doesn't exist.

Then last night, I got online, did my usual check the email,
come here and check my messages and see whatelse is going on,
and then check up on myspace. I have to say I've become a myspace
addict. Then I searched for Ty on there. Since I knew he lived
around this area I just did a search for people with his name.
Then I found a picture that included Joe and him, and I just
knew.

Joe ends up messaging me on myspace and we start chatting it up.
He's a total doll. Just all around great kid. Turns out, this
great kid, has the hots for me. He tried to preach the word of
God to me, saying that God was against homosexuality and blah,
blah, blah, blah, and some more good stuff. This was on msn, when
he was doing his sermon. I got a great laugh out of it and I'm
sure you will too. But it is slightly long...

I've become content with this life that I lead, where I drink too
much and don't believe in much of anything says:
Dude, if I had an issue with what you were saying, TRUST me, you
would hear it.

"Joe" says:
what you mean

I've become content with this life that I lead, where I drink too
much and don't believe in much of anything says:
I'm a very frank and blunt person, if I have an issue with what
you're saying I will definately tell you.

"Joe" says:
ok

"Joe" says:
would you minded if i talked to you about something thats bothers
me a little bit but i think ts hot

I've become content with this life that I lead, where I drink too
much and don't believe in much of anything says:
Oh no, that's fine.

I've become content with this life that I lead, where I drink too
much and don't believe in much of anything says:
Go right ahead.

"Joe" says:
ok

"Joe" says:
see its about your les thing y but see your a great person and all
but i just dont like the fact your les but i liek you as a friend
and its so stupid though

"Joe" says:
if you know what i mean

"Joe" says:
OH and its hot

"Joe" says:
but

"Joe" says:
its kinda wrong

"Joe" says:
you think

"Joe" says:
your choice

"Joe" says:
see my sis was bi

"Joe" says:
but now she married to a guy

"Joe" says:
tg

"Joe" says:
but i just had to get it of my cheast

"Joe" says:
stilllove ya

"Joe" says:
though

"Joe" says:
you with me

I've become content with this life that I lead, where I drink too
much and don't believe in much of anything says:
Okay, so if I got this right...you aren't really understanding why
I'm gay, but you like me as a friend, you just don't understand why
I'm gay??? or somethign to that extent.

"Joe" says:
yeah

"Joe" says:
mostly like that

I've become content with this life that I lead, where I drink too
much and don't believe in much of anything says:
Well what else then...I mean you can be 100% honest with me...honesty
is a good quality.

"Joe" says:
yeah i want to know why you turned les its honestly WRong

"Joe" says:
Its hot BUT WRONG

I've become content with this life that I lead, where I drink too
much and don't believe in much of anything says:
Hehe...

I've become content with this life that I lead, where I drink too
much and don't believe in much of anything says:
Well, When people ask me how I know that I'm gay I answer with a
simple "How do you know you're straight?"

I've become content with this life that I lead, where I drink too
much and don't believe in much of anything says:
You just do. The emotional and physical well being of another soul
is involved and what I have to offer for the males spieces is not
under the catigory of love. I just don't feel it.

I've become content with this life that I lead, where I drink too
much and don't believe in much of anything says:
I connect with guys totally different than I do with women. And what
women have to offer me is definately more sexually stimulating than
anything a man could ever offer me.

"Joe" says:
well, Lets see here ? i can do better than all teh other guys Trust
me i can

"Joe" says:
lol

"Joe" says:
shhhhhhhhhhh dont tell anyone

"Joe" says:
lol

I've become content with this life that I lead, where I drink too
much and don't believe in much of anything says:
I'm sure you could. But would you rather have someone who was
emotionally connected to you or someone who's just in it for the
hell of it?

"Joe" says:
UMM lets see here for teh emotional part of it

"Joe" says:
But

"Joe" says:
theres a but

I've become content with this life that I lead, where I drink too
much and don't believe in much of anything says:
what's the but?

"Joe" says:
if it could change what you think sexualy towards a guy then i would
do it in a heart beat

I've become content with this life that I lead, where I drink too
much and don't believe in much of anything says:
What I feel sexually towards a guy is non-existant. It's not liek
I haven't tried dating a guy before. I tired a few times before I
even let myself believe that my interests weren't pointing towards
them

"Joe" says:
well honestly i think you should give it another try

"Joe" says:
cause more tehn likely the guy was a dick

"Joe" says:
lol

"Joe" says:
but iam just saying give it another shot hun

"Joe" says:
there is people that love you that are guys

"Joe" says:
and care for you

I've become content with this life that I lead, where I drink too
much and don't believe in much of anything says:
That's not going to happen though. I know how I feel. I've thought
this through like there's no tomorrow...trust me, admitting to yourself
that you are attracted to people of the same sex is so much harder
than actually coming out to people.

"Joe" says:
and iam one of them that cares deeply for ya and someother people

"Joe" says:
ok

"Joe" says:
well if you ever change you heart let me kno wso i can be the first

"Joe" says:
lol

I've become content with this life that I lead, where I drink too
much and don't believe in much of anything says:
I'll keep you posted if that ever happens.

"Joe" says:
the one and only so i can really get to kno w more of you

I've become content with this life that I lead, where I drink too
much and don't believe in much of anything says:
Well, if there's anything you want to know now, ask away...if I
don't like the question I'll let ya know

"Joe" says:
gottcha

"Joe" says:
is there anything you want to know

I've become content with this life that I lead, where I drink too
much and don't believe in much of anything says:
Mmm, nothing that I can think of at the momment...but Joe, I gotta
tell you this when I first questioned my sexuality I was in 7th
grade...I kept hush hush about it for years...dated 3 guys...and
then had some not so serious hook ups with a few others. When it
came time to take the next step in whatever it was that I had going
with these guys I bailed. When one of them broke up with me, I was

"Joe" says:
wow

I've become content with this life that I lead, where I drink too
much and don't believe in much of anything says:
more than thrilled. All through highschool I acted like everything
was normal when all I wanted to was to tell someone what I feel i
nside. I resorted to cutting and ended up in a major depression
that only went away last November when I told my few friends that
I was gay. I can honestly say that I tried dating, and no one really
wants to be gay. It's something that we feel and can't do anything

"Joe" says:
true

"Joe" says:
very true

I've become content with this life that I lead, where I drink too
much and don't believe in much of anything says:
about...and we have to do what's best for our hearts otherwise
depression over comes. Seriously, if you would have met me a year
ago you would have felt that the person I was back then was a
totally different person. I have never been so proud to be myself
since I've come clean with everyone. And yes, my mom not believing
me does hurt, but just having the satisfaction of being open and
honest with

I've become content with this life that I lead, where I drink too
much and don't believe in much of anything says:
her makes it all good. My past year has been probably my best and
most favorite year I've ever had.

"Joe" says:
Wow

"Joe" says:
hun wow

"Joe" says:
thats hard

"Joe" says:
are you religous

I've become content with this life that I lead, where I drink too
much and don't believe in much of anything says:
No. Not really. I believe, but who or what it actually is I don't
know because I feel I'm not suppose to know until the time is right

"Joe" says:
well iam so you got to deal with it

"Joe" says:
but yeah i know all the crapo you have been throug

"Joe" says:
actuall not all of it

"Joe" says:
but alot of it

I've become content with this life that I lead, where I drink too
much and don't believe in much of anything says:
It takes a lot out of you. I personally don't want people to hate
me, but I know some will because of the way I choose to lead my life

"Joe" says:
so i honestly believe there is a higher power above me right but
in the bible aka the WORD lol god helps anyone in need

"Joe" says:
iam not saying to go for god

"Joe" says:
now

"Joe" says:
but sometime in your life i hope you do

"Joe" says:
and actually belive that

"Joe" says:
your a WONDERFUL PERSON and you need someone in your life

"Joe" says:
who is perfect for you

I've become content with this life that I lead, where I drink too
much and don't believe in much of anything says:
And when the time is right that perfect person will find me.

"Joe" says:
BOO iam here

"Joe" says:
lol

I've become content with this life that I lead, where I drink too
much and don't believe in much of anything says:
But if we want to follow what the bible says it does not disagree
with homosexuality, it disagrees with homosexual sex

"Joe" says:
True but also its ADAM and EVE

"Joe" says:
NOT ADAM AND STEVE

"Joe" says:
lol

I've become content with this life that I lead, where I drink too
much and don't believe in much of anything says:
Burn!

"Joe" says:
but homosexuality is wrong in gods eyes

"Joe" says:
either way

I've become content with this life that I lead, where I drink too
much and don't believe in much of anything says:
But what does the Bible say about us coming from one man?

"Joe" says:
your still gods child

I've become content with this life that I lead, where I drink too
much and don't believe in much of anything says:
With that one man, he made a woman.

I've become content with this life that I lead, where I drink too
much and don't believe in much of anything says:
Those two had to mate.

I've become content with this life that I lead, where I drink too
much and don't believe in much of anything says:
how did the other people, besides their children come along if incest
didn't happen somewhere along the line? The bible doesn't like incest
either...but it did it.

I've become content with this life that I lead, where I drink too
much and don't believe in much of anything says:
I've got the greatest thign for you to read though...

I've become content with this life that I lead, where I drink too
much and don't believe in much of anything says:
Hold on...I'll email it to you.

"Joe" says:
What they do is wrong and god willpunish those who goes against
his will in life

I've become content with this life that I lead, where I drink too
much and don't believe in much of anything says:
I know what you're saying is all in good intentions but I've heard
it all before. My sister preached the sermon to me before.

"Joe" says:
lol

"Joe" says:
yeah i hate preachin

"Joe" says:
but when i have to i will

"Joe" says:
but its for your best intrest though

"Joe" says:
cause we all care aboutyou

"Joe" says:
deepley

I've become content with this life that I lead, where I drink too
much and don't believe in much of anything says:
I know. And it's great to have people who care. But if I didn't take
it to heart back then, I know I won't now either.

"Joe" says:
you might

"Joe" says:
you just might

"Joe" says:
In tim e

"Joe" says:
when you realize you want somekids

"Joe" says:
who are actually are yours and when you want to get married Legaly

I've become content with this life that I lead, where I drink too
much and don't believe in much of anything says:
Even if I were straight, I wouldn't want to bare kids. I've always
planned on adopting.

I've become content with this life that I lead, where I drink too
much and don't believe in much of anything says:
And I've never wanted to get married either.

"Joe" says:
some day you might

"Joe" says:
hun

"Joe" says:
some day

I've become content with this life that I lead, where I drink too
much and don't believe in much of anything says:
Technically speaking if we follow what the consitution says in every
state all gay people already have the right to have the same
marritable privlages as heterosexual couples do. Massechusettes has
already declared that in that state homosexuals may get married and
have the same tax rights and what not as straights do and since the
consitution says each state must follow the laws and regulations

I've become content with this life that I lead, where I drink too
much and don't believe in much of anything says:
of it's neighboring states...

I've become content with this life that I lead, where I drink too
much and don't believe in much of anything says:
We are all allowed the same rights in the marriage department.

"Joe" says:
where not in massechusettes

"Joe" says:
ora round it

"Joe" says:
lol

I've become content with this life that I lead, where I drink too
much and don't believe in much of anything says:
But we are still it's neighboring state...we're a whole.

"Joe" says:
i kon woyu are standing up for what you believe in

"Joe" says:
like me

I've become content with this life that I lead, where I drink too
much and don't believe in much of anything says:
Doesn't matter if 30 other states are inbetween it still counts.

"Joe" says:
nonono

I've become content with this life that I lead, where I drink too
much and don't believe in much of anything says:
Oh yes...we definately are standing up for what we believe in.

"Joe" says:
it does matter cause

"Joe" says:
neighboring states is one state away

"Joe" says:
all around

I've become content with this life that I lead, where I drink too
much and don't believe in much of anything says:
And I totally understand what you mean by it. And you don't do it
to be rude, it's because it's what you believe. But we both know
we're speaking to a brick wall...the words are just bouncing right
back.

"Joe" says:
TRUE

"Joe" says:
well still love ya thought if that counts

I've become content with this life that I lead, where I drink too
much and don't believe in much of anything says:
It does count.

"Joe" says:
GOOD
GGOD

"Joe" says:
good

I've become content with this life that I lead, where I drink too
much and don't believe in much of anything says:
Due to the whole church thing between my sister and I she's into it
big time and I'm not I was afraid to tell her about myself. And let
me tell you, keeping somethign like that from my sister was harder
than anything I've ever done.

"Joe" says:
I would imagine

"Joe" says:
so

I've become content with this life that I lead, where I drink too
much and don't believe in much of anything says:
But she simply told me, there's nothing she can do about it. And
she won't try to do anythign about it, because if I'm happy and proud
to be who I am whatever she has to say won't matter because I won't
hear it.

"Joe" says:
wow

"Joe" says:
see i can tell your happy

"Joe" says:
iam glad 2

"Joe" says:
but its diffrent

I've become content with this life that I lead, where I drink too
much and don't believe in much of anything says:
It is different. And I know not everyone will like it, but as my
myspace headline says "Yes. Yes, I am. Get over it. I have"

"Joe" says:
wow

I've become content with this life that I lead, where I drink too
much and don't believe in much of anything says:
I know some of my friends don't like it, but they don't care. They
know that it won't matter, I'm too high strung to tell anything to.

"Joe" says:
wow yes you are

I've become content with this life that I lead, where I drink too
much and don't believe in much of anything says:
Believe it or not, I do care what people think. I respect what they
think. THey have their own opinion and that's why it doesn't bother
me that you don't understand it all and you're arguing your own
opinion because that's all that I'm doing too.

"Joe" says:
hehehe

"Joe" says:
well its not arguing

"Joe" says:
its talking

"Joe" says:
lol

"Joe" says:
i think

I've become content with this life that I lead, where I drink too
much and don't believe in much of anything says:
Well, yea...I'm definately not arguing with you...There'd be foam
coming from my mouth

"Joe" says:
there would be more than foam coming from my mouth its called spit

"Joe" says:
lol

I've become content with this life that I lead, where I drink too
much and don't believe in much of anything says:
haha...yea, there'd be some of that too.

"Joe" says:
lol

I know that was a lot to go through, but I had to share because
it was just plain old funny. Hope someone got a kick out of reading
this. Have yourself a great day.

I haven't enlightened everyone with a new journal entry in
a couple weeks so here's some catching up of my crazy
messed up life.

First of all, I finally opened up to my sister about my
sexuality. I called her one night, I think it was the night
of my mom's birthday, and we did the usual sister chat. At
one point she asked me how I've been and my response was,
"There's something I want to tell you, but I'm diligenly
avoiding it." And then I just told her that I didn't go to
school this fall because I was trying to find myself, and
that I've finally come to terms with my sexuality and found
myself at a spot in life where I'm actually happy. I even
told her that I used to cut, something I never thought I
would have the balls to tell her. She was absolutely great
about it. Why I was so chicken to tell her, I really don't
know, but I feel closer to her than I have in the longest
time.

I've been going snowboarding a lot lately. Working on perfecting
my 180, but I'm not feeling it. My knees are though. They've got
some nice color to them. Some reds, blues, black, purples, a
little bit of a yellow-orange going on in there too. Pulled
some muslces in my shoulder, which are feeling excellent right now.
Sam and I took my niece out snowboarding on Saturday, she didn't
last long. Maybe 45minutes tops. It kinda sucked, but at least
she tried.

Now Saturday was a fun day. I got hit on by this kid named Chris,
while I was at the hill. He used some great lines, that got to
my heart instantly, not. "How long does it take you to get your
shirt on, because those angel wings must make it difficult..."
I laughed. I was about to tell him that I was gay, but then he
went away. I met Sam's friend, Peter, on Saturday. He's such a
sweetheart. Plus he likes crackers, so that's totally awesome.
And we all went out to eat pizza at Drags afterwards. And hot
April joined us, yummmmm!

Oh HECK YA! I don't know how I made it this far in my journal
entry without saying this: Today my RENT tickets came! Remind
me that they're in the drawer next to the dishwasher at Sam's
house, or else we'll loose them.

I bought some new clothing today. A Burton sweatshirt, 2 pairs
of jeans, 4 tshirt. The tshirts are the greatest. We've got
one that says "DUCK DUCK GOOSE" another that says, "CHOPSTIX
ARE FOR GERMANS" another that says, "EH?" and has a maple leaf
on it, and I can't remember the other one. But I love being a
RollingStones subscriber because I got 10% off of my tshirt
shipment.

Mmm, what else have I done lately? I got to play with a video camera
and tape drunk people all night. That was pretty fun. But I also
had to keep my two friends from trying to go skinny dipping in the
freezing cold river. Let's just say two drunk people, two doors,
and only one person sober enough to run in a straight line from door
to door is so not cool!

I haven't heard from Adam since he decided that our friendship sucks
and that he wants no part in it because I'm keeping something from
him. I keep trying to write a letter to him about why I've been the
way that I have, but I just can't do it. I don't know how to start
it.

Ryan on the other hand has finally been hit full on with the fact that
I am gay and will never ever date him. It sucks because he doesn't
want to hang out a whole lot anymore until he's finally gotten over
the full shock. I can't blame him, but hey, shit happens. I'll have
to get over. I've got Sam anyways so it doesn't matter.

Well, that's enough for the time being. There's more than enough to keep
all entertained for a few minutes. Hope everyone's been doing great.
And, I don't know, have some fun.