Okay, so I've got note cards for my research paper due... Today actually. At like, 1:30, when my English class starts. (Thank gods my class isn't first block.)

I only have half of them done.. That is, 25/50. Well, technically 26 but who's counting? (I am apparently.)

School starts at 7:20 and it's hard to find time to do the note cards during classes. Although possible if necessary.

This is a big grade too. (it counts as much as a test does... We don't have a lot of tests.) So it's kind of important that I get all of these done.

But stress is building and it's getting hard for me to focus again. And it takes me about an hour to do only five.

BLEHHH..

And for the record, no I did not wait until last minute to start.

I missed Monday, due to emotional stress, I might as well have not been there Tuesday, because I was just as emotionally dead as I was Monday. So I didn't get much done that day either. >_o; Leaving me with two days to do all of this.

BLEHHHHH.

So yeah. Wish me luck or something. I guess. Right now I'm taking a break so I don't explode and stuff. Maybe not the best of ideas but whatever. It's better than breaking down later on.

EDIT: My paper is on gender roles right? So I'm reading this Opposing Viewpoints book on gender roles. And I'm doing notes on feminisim, And both sides are so frigging sexist. It's disgusting. >_<;

EDIT AGAIN: I feel really epic right now. I think it's the song they played at the end of the day, it was one of those songs they play when people win something or whatever. But I got the notecards done during lunch... With like, FIVE minutes before class. AWESOME.

You know what else is awesome? I mentioned how I was up at like 12 doing the cards and my teacher is like "Pshh girl." which isn't the awesome part, the awesome part is she stopped and corrected herself, and just normal like not "OMIGOD I'M SORRY I DIDN'T MEAN THAT" but just really naturally. And that just made my day so much. Especially since I never outright told her that I'm transgender, though it's not like I hide it either. (And she might have heard from my librarian, who is amazingly amazing and runs the GSA and stuff.)

But yeah. I'm also feeling pretty good because I only have school Monday then thanksgiving break. 8D I'm off Tuesday because I'm going to FL to visit my mom. Which is okay because I'll get to see my sister.

I'm feeling a lot less pessimistic now. It's pretty cool.

~Liam the FANTABULOUS

Of course I'm modest. Modest as a mouse.

Okay, so I'm not too bothered over the social aspect of my trans-ness right now. I've just got 93289033 other things on my plate. 8D

Now rather than being angry when someone gets the pronouns wrong. I'm just upset with my body in general. Figures right? Of course. This is a lot harder a problem to solve than just coming out. Even if the solution is changing my mindset, still not an easy thing.

Okay, AND I'm having like, anxiety because I'm an antisocial introverted freak and I have barley had any time to myself for over a month. HURRAY. So now I'm going nuts from that too... Because as much as I love my friends I can't stand them right now.

And THEN. there's my mom. Who hasn't changed. And is still delusional. And I have to go down and see her for two days, during what was going to be my break. So I don't get as much of a break. I suppose it could be worse. And I DO want to see my sister. But the last thing I need is two days of being called "Lorinda" and "she" by my mom whose in denail about everything including the fact that I'm transgender. And not to mention that my dad is coming down with me. Which my mom is really going to hate. Because she has this huge unfounded hate for my dad. Who is apparently "abusive" and "alcoholic" as she tells people, and whats worse is she probably believes it too. Even though in reality SHE was the abusive one, (for real, I won't even start with some of the stuff she did.) and my dad definitely is not, and never has been, an alcoholic. He hardly ever drank. And now he hasn't touched a drink for 3 years. Some alcoholic.

Okay, and on top of that I've been trying to keep up with school but I've been doing so horribly lately. Because of the previously mentioned stresses. I haven't been able to focus. So now my grade is falling on top of all of this. Fun times.

Also, this rage of emotion probably means that my hormones are up again. (In other words, PMS) Which makes me hate my body even more. HURRAY.

Okay. I'm done now. I need to get ready for school.

(Pfft. I am kind of undecided about "Asher". It feels kind of weird calling myself that. I'm undecided about "Liam" too. Oddness.)

Okay, so I made friends with this girl a little while ago, and she doesn't know that I was born female-bodied. Which is kinda nice...

UNTIL...

So she was talking to her friend who says that I'm a girl and whatnot. Because she knew me from before.. And I'm like DDX;;;;

So now I'm like. "Aoiajdsdlkjsdfl"

I'll probably just tell her.

But it kind of sucks.

The one person who didn't know...

The problem with being out is that everyone basically sees me as a girl that wants to be a boy or is trying to be a boy. Not as a boy. So that was like a relief... No slip-ups, no strange questions, or not-being-counted-as-male.

And I saw my therapist today, I feel a little less like I have to hide things from her... And a little less insecure. I was talking to her about my life and stuff, and she lent me a couple of books. I like books. A lot. 8D

And I ate delicious vegan lo-mein. :D

What else...

Animal Crossing comes out tomorrow. I kind of really want it. XD

Yeah, that's it.

I'm gonna go try to solve the friend-who-didn't-know thing. 0w0;

~Asher

A is far too needy. >_o;;

Seriously.

So she writes an upset journal on DA, not blaming her for that. I do that all of the time. But in it she mentions something about people standing far away when they know she likes to be cuddled. And I KNOW she was directing that at me. And I'm like DDDX;

SERIOUSLY.

I KNOW that. Because she's whined about it before. But I'm not about to do something that I'M not comfortable with over it.

I mean, I feel bad when she's upset. But that's just not something I do. I'm not comfortable with that. The same way I'm not comfortable with being touched when I'm the one upset. I'm just not. And I do try. But I mean, I know about as much about dealing with a crying person as the next guy. There's only so much I can do. I'll offer a brief hug to someone who is crying. But I'm really not good with extended physical contact.

And on top of that, this girl has little to no respect for my personal space. I've been more assertive about keeping boundaries and whatnot, but she's denser than lead.

And bleh.

I really don't know why I'm friends with her most of the time. 0w0 It's not like I can get rid of her either.

GAH.

I'm a horrible friend.

>_>;

~Asher

Okay, guess what world?

For the umpteenth freakin time. I am NOT a girl.

I'm getting so annoyed. The way I'm treated by most people that I'm out too, is like, I'm not a girl, but not a boy either. Like I don't count as a guy or something. It's like guys and Liam. Like I'm something less than male because I was born with the wrong equipment.

And it's really starting to tick me off.

I mean, it's stuff like, being accidentally being called "she" by someone who didn't know me before this school year. (When I became a "he") Or people saying "I'm the only guy in this room" or something similar when I'm RIGHT THERE. Or worse, when they tell me that I don't count as a guy. Okay, so I have a slight shortage on testosterone.

I really need to be more assertive about this stuff. Seriously. I can be loud and assertive, except for when I'm actually upset about something. I'm weird like that. I think I'm afraid of making a fool out of myself while I'm upset. That's the worst.

But I mean. It's frustrating enough to have dreams where my body is right, and then wake up and be stuck again. It doesn't help when people do stuff like that. I am NOT NOT NOT a girl trying to be a boy.

I'm just hoping that this stuff will die down once I've been on hormones and look/sound more convincingly male.

And yeah, I know I really need to stop caring what people thing. It's a lot harder to do when you're surrounded by them most of the day, most of the week.

I'm so grateful for the people who actually get it. But that isn't a lot.

BLARGHHH....

It's just me being frustrated. As usual. Pay no attention.

This is probably a sign that I need to get away from the human race for a while. Too much time around people really does give me anxiety. >_o;

Yup. Fun times.

Also. my mom's phone apparently died but she couldn't be bothered to contact me and tell me. I've been trying to call her for weeks. I'm pretty sure she doesn't want to talk to me. I mean, she always tries to get rid of me when I do, before her phone died that is... She goes "Talk to your sister." Or worse, if I bring up the divorce she goes "Talk to your grandfather!" I mean really, what the hell? It's not his fucking divorce and I don't give a rats ass what he thinks. He pisses me off so much, trying to impose this "proper young lady" shit on my sister.

Also, reasoning with delusional people doesn't work. TRUST me. They just get very angry at you because they want to live in their stupid little fantasy like nothing is wrong and the world is theirs...

Or at least that's how my mom is.

She should deal with the real world like the rest of us. YEAH it's a harsh place, but you pretending it's not doesn't make it any better for any of us.

>_>;;

So yeah. Gotta love family drama.

PSHHHH.

~Asher

I'm more than happy with myself and who I am and whatnot. I managed to get over most of my insecurity issues over the weekend. I've also managed to get down the art of coming out naturaly even when you're nervous thing. Which is awesome. Because that softens the blow so much.

But I'm kind of worried I'm not masculine enough for my therapist. I REALLY want to get on T ASAP. Same for masectomy/chest reconstruction surgery (Which I probably have to be 18 for, and need money for obviously. But still, sooner rather than later would be nice.) And I'm not insecure about how whimsy/feminine I am around other people. But this bothers me in the therapists office. Because I don't know if it'll be enough. I wish I was one of those guys who is like "YEAH. I HATED DRESSES AND PINK AS A KID. MACHOOOOOOOO" But I'm not. I'm sort of like, "Pssh, Dresses were a pain but pink wasn't so bad as long as I wasn't wearing it. And macho is weird."

I know that mannerisms are almost unrelated to gender identity, but I don't know that my therapist knows this. :< I'm supposing that she should because she's worked with a LOT of trans people. But I'm not 100% sure. D:

Also, my moms phone has been off for a few weeks. This pisses me off. How the hell am I supposed to talk to her, or my sister, or plan visitation, if her phone is off?

Sometimes I feel like she disowned me, after what happened over the summer. I can't complain too much, because I kind of disowned her too. But it'd be nice to make amends. Not that I can expect that from her.

BLARGHHHHHHHHHhh

Also. I think I'm going with the name "Asher" I just really like it. I just don't want to change my mind and have people tear my head off. And being that I'm kind of indecisive in nature I'm kind of ehhhh about telling anyone that I want it yet. 0w0

Was fucking awesome!

And I hardly ever use that word.

That's how seriously awesome it is.

Okay, so I bought a crapload of socks... Because there's a sock store. And I wanted socks...

And the conference.

I mean, I knew about gender diversity and stuff.

But there's nothing like being surrounded by it. It was great. I hung out with an FTM friend who graduated from my school last year, and his friends. And I feel so much better about, you know. Being me. I'm not feeling all insecure with myself. Like totally at peace right now.

And I decided that I'm just gonna come out to everyone tomorrow. Wear my "question gender" shirt and my buttons and just be like, "yeah, this is me. Get used to it." and that'll be that.

I'm so scared

but I'm gonna do it while I still have the resolve.

Hahaha.

Oh well

better than being called a girl all of the time.

I'll figure it out.

~Liam

P.S. I'm not sure if I like the name Liam it's a little too close to my original name. I think I might go with Asher... But if I do I have to be 110% people are sick of me changing my name. XD

That's right. ME.

Burlington.

This weekend.

For a TRANSGENDER CONFRENCE.

How sweet is that?

And I'm spending the weekend up there.

DRINKING TEA.

And eating vegan carrot cake.

And going to panels on transgender stuff.

Just thought I'd share my excitement with you.

Also, don't be so down about Prop 8. Yes it sucks. But this isn't the end. Not even close.

~Liam

I think society cares WAY too much about gender/sex.

I mean. Homophobia. That's because people aren't comfortable seeing other people who like the same sex/gender/whatever.

Women and men are blatantly treated differently.

There really isn't a HUGE difference. There's definitely a difference, but it's not like there's a giant blank gap there. There's a lot of people who don't fit "masculine male" or "feminine female". Well duh.

Society cares WAY too much about gender.

For some reason it's taboo to want to be recognized as a gender separate from your sex. Does that make sense? Not really. Genders are supposed to be equal but it's bad if you move from one to the other?

If gender didn't matter it wouldn't matter.

It obviously matters quite a lot.

That's my little rant for the day.

..

Also. "Straight" presenting freshmen talk about gay people more than gay people do. Seriously. Woodworking class all I hear is "You're gay!" or "I'm not gay like you" or "That faggot." and seriously. I'm this close to just jumping up and saying "If you're not gay why do you talk about it so much?"

Haha, that'd be funny.

I wonder if I'd get in trouble for saying that.

~Liam

Soooo guess what?

I'm an asshole.

Because I don't realize when I sound angry or am being rude.

And then I don't care that I'm pushing A away from me.

Because I don't really like her.

Because she doesn't have a whole lot of respect for me or my personal space.

Scratch that, she has NO respect for my personal space.

So I don't care.

I've been kind of depressed for the last few days.

Because I'm sick of being mistaken for a girl.

And being treated as "less than" male.

Like I'm not equal to the other guys

because I don't have a lot of testosterone or something.

I'm sick of being told that I'm a girl. When I'm NOT. I'm sick of being treated like a girl when I'm NOT.

But I don't have the nerve to just say "I'm a boy"

I have a new class, woodworking. Some kid from my zoology class is in that class with me. And she likes to call me "She" in front of the whole class.

There goes any chances of me being received as just another guy.

But I don't have the nerve to just say "I'm a boy"

even though that's what I am.

Because I'm just a freaking scardey cat.

And I went to the doctor recently.

And it was "She" this and "Lorinda" that.

It was horrible.

I'm not comfortable with this anymore

but I don't know what to do about it.

Why does this have to be so scary?

Well it's my birthday toooo!

GUESS WHO'S 16!?

YESH

SO TIRED.

Today was a lot of fun.

We went to Cambridge, C wore a dress, and she looked gorgeous, but she didn't believe it.

That girl really needs more self-confidence. Though she has a good excuse for not having it already. (C is MTF.) She really did look nice though. I don't think she liked all of the attention though, when we were talking about her in a dress. ^^;

She did have fun though. It's hard to tell with her, she's really reserved.

Anyways, Cambridge is AMAZING. We went to all of the most amazing stores. And it was so much fun. ^^

But I've been like, REALLY dysphoric recently. I always am but the last few days I've just been freaking out. I can't stand my own body. I hate it so much. Not ALL of it. Most of it is pretty cool. But other aspects make me want to implode on myself.

I blame my ovaries. >_>

I know that people find ways to feel comfortable in their bodies. But how they do it is beyond me. I know I won't feel so horrible about my body forever. But for right now I can't stand it.

So yeah. Mixed emotions this weekend.

Overall fun birthday though. :) We had a lot of cake.

All of the vegan cake was scarfed down though. It was delicious. :)

~Liam

It's German. This kid in my German class says "Hallo" all of the time, that and "Ungeheuer"

I either aced or failed my German test today. :O

I'm having a party tomorrow and music suggestions would be great. Because I don't know what other people like to listen too. And I don't think Tubular Bells really counts as party music... XD

My costume is awesome. :) I'm so happy.

And the cake is gonna be delicious, even though it kind of looks like mud-pie. XD;

~Liam

AKA, the day before my birthday!

I'm turning 16

FAAAABULOUSSSS~

Also if I sound a little ditzy...

It's cuz I am.

I don't know what my brain is running on, but it's not sleep. :)

So I'm in a pretty good mood.

I don't know if I mentioned this but, turns out, my mom DOESN'T have cancer. Which is great to hear. Because I was worried about her, even if she is a piss-face. :)

And I'm annoyed at my aunt because she insists that I am a girl. I'm not a girl. It pisses me off when she says stuff like that. D:

Also, my costume is turning out fabulous. I'll post pictures when it's done. 8D

~Liam

Have you ever just been INCREDIBLY frustrated?

Yeah. I'm so stuipd I managed to sew my costume together the wrong way three fucking times in a row. *twitch* Both sides look the same so I can never tell if it's the wrong side.

And I managed to cut myself taking the seams out.

I feel like such an idiot. *twitch*

And I also feel like setting the damned thing on fire.

But yeah.

That's all.

So C, my awesome MTF friend and I have lunch and English class together. (Which is mighty confusing because she's not out so I'm always switching names and pronouns with her. 0w0)

But so today at lunch I was complaining about menses and how guys are so squeamish about it but I have to deal with it every month. and she's like "WELL AT LEAST YOU DON'T HAVE AN EXTRA APPENDAGE" and I'm like "YOU'RE RIGHT I'VE GOT TWO!" and she's like "WELL IF YOU'RE GONNA BE THAT PICKY I'VE GOT THREE" and I'm like "WELL AT LEAST YOU DON'T BLEED FROM PLACES THAT SHOULDN'T EXIST ONCE A MONTH."

It was actually really funny. XD

And and, I'm having a birthday/costume party with my friend, and I've already decided that I'm going to like, have Caraline dress up all pretty if I can. And if anyone says anything it's HALLOWEEN. you can get away with this stuff. It's the perfect plan. MWAHAHA

Also, I've been really hyper lately.

Also also, I've been playing KH again. It's been so long, I didn't realize how much I missed the thing! I'm recording all of the cutscenes so I can make a video. I've already used two tapes! D: And I'm only like, halfway through the game? Less than that? 0w0

But it's so much fun to play it while I'm hyper because then I start spouting off this random stuff in my head and yelling at the screen like "Aww lookit! Sora's still pining over Riku!" or "Oh Riku! You friggin nutcase! Kidnapping puppets to make Sora jealous. What is wrong with you?"

I forgot how immensely reckless Riku was in the first game. 0w0 I love him though. Still my favorite character.

And Sora's voice is SO much cuter in this game too. Stupid voice actor had to grow up and stuff. :<

Okay I'm done ranting now. 8D

~Riku

Oh, also I have a counselor-appointment-thing on Saturday. :) I like going to these because I feel like I'm suspended in jello and doing nothing most of the time. (The jello is orange) Research on the subject just makes me more anxious. Actually, when it comes to being transgender, there isn't a whole lot that DOESN'T make me anxious. Between my voice and my chest issue. And day-to-day stuff. It's like *a'splode* D:

Kay, goodnight!