okay, not really, but it was in beijing at midnight EST...

even so, USA women's beach volleyball took the gold for the second time in a row.

ohhhh kerri walsh, you blue-eyed wonder you, just keep that cute mouth shut and we'll be juuuuust fine.

in other news, i'm getting my hair cut tomorrow, and i mean ALL off. pictures soon to follow.

also, i have to stop falling for middle-aged housewives, even if they are adorable and give me little smiles and have a cute butt. this is only going to lead to disaster. urgh....

trying to waste as much time till two, 'cause my classes have all been uber short today. didn't even have an english class, 'cause my teacher had a death in the family....

fuuuun times.

i love how caffeine makes me more focused and alert....i'm beginning to wonder if a small dose of like...adderal or whatever might actually help me, because in essence it's basically speed lite isn't it? or am i thinking of something else....? i dunno, it's something to think about...

i love my psyche teacher. didn't think i was going to like her when i first met her, but she's like perfect for my style of learning. really engaging and funny and loves the subject she teaches.

my bio teacher....she's nice. she's from venezuela, so she has a bit of an accent. not at all unintelligible, but....ehhhh, not so much for her. it's only a fifty-minute class though. i'm not looking forward to my lab class though. it is looooooooong. but i really like bio, so i'll survive.

met the theatre professor today. the good one. his office is jam-packed with figurines and photos and all this neat stuff. i'm apparently supposed to know him, but i don't remember him at all. he's pretty awesome though....

also, i have a job!!! i'm working in the computer lab.

that's really about it for right now....

taha....funny femslash makes me happy.

especially TDWP and disney ones.

in other news, i'm definitely saving up for a motorcycle, i got my student id today and i'm still madly in love with stacy london.

my (ex)crush is either ignoring me, avoiding me, or has had her cell taken away. either way, i haven't heard from her for a couple days.

that's bout it.

i'm going through what not to wear withdrawal.

i used to hate that show.

now i can't get enough of it.

i'm such a nerd.

that and i have a huge crush on stacy.

although clinton's kinda cute too.....

god.

i can't take much more of this drama. especially when i'm dealing with problems of my own... i was never cut out to handle relationships. i'm great at matchmaker, okay....maybe not so great, but please don't call me when they fall apart.

i just want to scream: GET OVER IT!

that makes me a horrible person, doesn't it?

urgh. maybe it's because i've been conditioned to never tell anyone about my feelings. i'm repression central.

oy vey.

i need a hair cut. badly.

and i want to cut it short. like, boy short. it's long enough to be put into a decent ponytail and that's too long for me.

here's what it looks like from the side: http://a856.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/78/l_611db6f2acd9276a4d624...

from the front...slightly: http://a404.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/123/l_f8d4a15d30edb1399d3a...

i don't have a camera and i don't make a habit of taking pics of myself, so i don't have a lot...

any suggestions?

i kinda wanted something like this: http://tbn0.google.com/images?q=tbn:7-dSpjuTccX2FM:http://www.hair-style...

but without the little fringe on the bottom, but it would make my face look so round....

maybe this? http://www.hairfinder.com/haircollections/mens04.jpg

i dunno...

help?

stacy london is just soooooo dreamy. wow....that's the first time i've used that word. but she is! she's so adorable, i love her.

anyway, today's been a much better day. haven't felt as depressed, talked to my dad and didn't cry at all (which is a big deal.) talked to one of my other friends, and today was just a better day.

i'm not used to feeling these emotions.

sadness.
homesickness.
loneliness.
depression.
fear.

i want to go home sooooo badly, but i know i can't. i have to be strong.

oh. ohhhhhhh, i see. i get it. they're hosting the olympics, this big sporting event, and we're supposed to forget about decades of communism, censorship, denial of basic human rights, torture, (the list could go on an on really) drop everything and have a big fucking kumbaya in that piece of shit they call a stadium?

all this talk about "forgetting about our differences" and "just being friends."

i get it.

it's like inviting uncle ernie the axe murderer to sunday brunch because it's "family time."

it's like ignoring the abusive, molesting neighbor because he helped you through a rough patch.

have we all suffered some sort of collective amnesia? or do we just choose to overlook their brutal treatment of tibetan protestors? their overzealous censorship? their nazi-esque facisim that they call national pride? their secretive sweatshops and gestapo eugenics tactics? for what? for cheaper products? for .99 cent toys that break in two seconds? a sense of nationalistic pride from having saved a buck?

it makes me sick to even watch it. we just all turn our heads and pretend we don't see the teens forced into sports to accrue as many medals as possible. the sickeningly big brotherly visa/nike/whatever commercials about "forgetting our differences." and reviewing the history of the olympics. the smog that covers beijing like the smotherer's pillow. the forced smiles. the sea of red, like the blood of so many revolutionaries.

have fun watching the olympics.

i'm finally coming to the realization that i'll never walk through those doors on the first day of school. never joke around with my old teachers, make friends with new ones. never go to another pep rally. never go to another football game. never sneer at the under....and upperclassman, wondering "Was I like that when (insert year here)?" no more one acts. no more play practice. no more forensics. no more sweating it in the middle of may, and freezing in the science wing in feburary. no more weaving like a boxer through post-lunch crowds. i'll never step out into the spring sunshine after a particularly grueling play practice. no more inane conversations with favorite teachers. no more goofing around during SCAEL practice. no more sneaking pizza in the auditorium.

buuuuut, no more idiot rednecks. no more idiotic guidance dept. no more shitty food that i never ate any way. no more steaming over the administration. no more stupid freshman (I am the stupid freshman!).

on to four more years of school!

in other news, i had a mishap driving in sand, had to get pulled out by two very HOT boys, managed to slice my finger open in the process....

it hurts. >_<

i ache for fall. for the leaves changing. finally being able to slip into a jacket, only to shed it like a second skin as the temperature rises with the sun. leaves crunching underfoot, seeing your breath in the early morning air. jack-o-lanterns and children dressed as ghouls and superheroes. corn mazes and finally getting into a pattern at school.

even the sky's different in fall. it seems bluer. deeper. colder. as if you were about to dive into the ocean.

middlesex is quite a good book. it's about this intersex person and how they became intersex (as in, the family history that could lead to such an event) and their discovery and other stuff. there could've been more along the lines of what happened after they discovered they were in fact male and not female, but oh well...very lovely and poetic.

left me dreaming of pretty greek girls with something extra though....

my father got a job! i'm so happy for him, it's in clarksville for a securities firm, and he's making about 15,000 more than he'd be making at his current job, which is consequently going out of business....

i want to find a job where i travel a lot. mostly to europe. i looked at the state dept.'s foreign service, just 'cause that seemed like an interesting thing to do, but i'm too much of an ex-pat at heart to ever promote american ideals and business all over the world. i'd much rather just up and leave one day.

only three days until we leave. i'm sad and nervous and excited at the same time. my schedule was whack though, i had two classes at the same time, so we had to fix that pretty quick. hopefully i'll get something good. like....theatre maybe.

i suppose i'll just be happy being bi-gender. wearing a dress one day and a suit the next. it all depends on what mood i'm in. i can't force myself to be one thing or another, i'll simply become an evolutionary organism, changing my gender to fit my needs instead of society's. gender is a sociological structure, not a mental one.

i feel like i should feel bad for wanting to be home instead of the beach. it's not like i'm having a shitty time or anything, i'm having a great time. it's just, i wish i could be home, saying goodbye to everything instead of being here.

i'm finding myself counting down the days until we go home so i can go ahead and get it over with instead of waiting around here. i hate waiting. but hopefully i can still enjoy this trip and soak up as much sun as i can.

mmmmmm.....root beer. :)

made a bet with my dad's girlfriend that i could go a week without drinking any sort of soda whatsoever. i've made it to wednesday. had to deal with that horrible headache yesterday, but hopefully the worst is over. if i win, she has to buy either breakfast or an energy drink on monday. and i never lose a bet.

i'm going to write her a letter. it'll be corny and slightly romantic, but i'm going to write it anyway.

have a horrible, horrible migraine.

well...it's probably just a super bad tension headache and i'm being melodramatic, but still. no fun.

the irony is, being on the computer and listening to music is actually alleviating it. either that, or it's the water and the apples. supposedly, it's supposed to make you feel better.

i've had it all day though. well, not all day. a little before we got into okracoke and it's lasted up until now. i'd take something, but silly me, i'm allergic to everything but tylenol and we don't have any!

joy.

was in a terrible mood, snapped at everyone. was okay at the restaurant, but it all went downhill from there. did get to text her for a little while though. :) that did help a little.

urgh, still feeling ill though.

i knew it.

i kneeeeeew it.

i knew he was a snake.

from the first time she talked about him to the first (and only) time i met him, i knew there had to be a reason that there was an overwhelming desire to punch him in the face.

god, i want to work that little bastard over six-ways from sunday.

he broke up with her because he wants to be single senior year and be able to be a player and fuck as many girls as he wants. this coming from a supposed christian. and in their relationship, he wriggled his way through her defenses on the explanation of "technical virginity" even though she wanted to save herself until marriage, even though he knew this going into the relationship.

completely destroyed whatever shred of faith or confidence she had in herself.

completely rocked her base of faith and made her feel like a complete hypocrite.

i'm not saying i'm not a little bit upset at her for letting herself be tempted, but i'm just a little bit more pissed at him for even suggesting it in the first place, and then breaking up with her.

i'm sad to say i'm not surprised.

i'm just a little angry.

and i'm reeeeeeally glad i'm moving away now, because if i saw that little fucker on the street, he wouldn't be able to walk straight for a week and not in the way he wanted.