Today was a good day. I haven't had one of those in a long time. It was also pretty strange because it feels like I'm missing chunks of time. I sort of spent the entire day in a foggy, time-warp thing. I'm having a really hard time focusing on one thing.. I feel like my mind and body are separate, like my mind exists outside of my body. I get stuck in this daze and then realize that I've spent, like, an hour spacing out. It's some freaky stuff. I've noticed that I also can't stop staring at the television, even when there's nothing good to watch. I just feel, I don't know, out of it.. I mean, I'm not depressed or anything, I'm just stuck in a fog. It's just weird.

Hmm, what's going on in my life? Besides being on the brink of suicide twice in one week, nothing really.. I keep thinking something is wrong with me.. I think I may have Asperger's Syndrome.. other than that, I really have nothing to write about.. Nothing at all..

I feel a little silly for asking these questions, but this is a blog thingy so, I suppose this is an appropriate place to post these burning questions I have for myself. Well, the questions are "who am I really?" and "why am I unable to understand myself?" These are questions that I've placed in the back of my mind and haven't attempted to answer. You see, I come up with little methods of dealing with life, in general, and I've noticed that these methods work, but not for very long.. I honestly feel like I'm an extremely odd person. I've lived my entire life, so far, with this belief held in my mind, and I suppose that is why I feel so odd. I haven't the slightest idea where this entry is going, by the way. Oh yeah, who am I? I'd like to know who I am, and I feel like I'm getting closer to answering it. But occasionally, I feel like I'm getting further and further away. I don't only want to know who I am, I have so many other questions that I've been literally driving myself crazy trying to answer. Like, why is it so hard for us to understand ourselves? We're capable of understanding so many things, but when it comes to understanding the only person who is around us twenty-four seven, us, we draw blanks. Why? Why is it that everything in life fits together, and we all realize this, to some extent, but none of us have found the "thing" which allows everything to fit together? Oh, sure, some people will call this thing, God, but deep down, none of us really know. Why are we afraid, and if some sort of survival instinct is the reason for fear, why do we need to survive? Why are people afraid of death? Or of the unknown, in general? I guess the fear of death comes from the fear of the unknown, and the fear of the unknown comes from the need to survive, but why do we need to survive? Every time I think I'm getting close to understanding these things, I find something else to question... But I suppose life wouldn't exist, as we know it, without questions. Well, that's all I have to say for now, so I guess I'll write later..

The blank white page
conjures fear and terror
and the words comfort.
We have questions
with answers buried
beneath truths
contained in the black.
It engulfs and enfolds and encloses.
I emerge
unharmed and transformed and hated.

Destroying boundaries
that have been built with sweat and devolution
will result in death.

With the moon on my tongue, I
taste bitterness and rejection.
I question the nature of what floats below.
I question the existence of what floats below.
I question the beauty of what floats below...

Okay, I wrote something earlier today, well, yesterday, but I felt the need to write again, so here I am.. It's, like, 2:40 in the morning now and I'm not supposed to be on the computer now, but who cares? So, I'm just thinking about my fucked up family and all of their crap, I'm thinking about my fucked up friends and all of their crap, and I'm thinking about the way my cousin looked at me today... I know the last one made no sense, I'll explain.. First, my family. It's seriously falling apart. Okay, I was sort of molested by my aunt's husband and I told my mom, who told my grandmother, who told my aunt. She was all pissed off and said that I was making it up. I'm going to now ask the question: Why the fuck would I make that up? Anyway, she was like "oh, no, Benji would never do that, blah, blah, blah. Alicia's making that up." Fine, you think I'm making it up, whatever. Then, she told my grandmother that she doesn't want me living in the building I live in (Because we all live in the same building) and that my mother and I should move. Okay, how the fuck are you going to say that I should move when you're not the one paying the rent?! Okay, I can take that, but then she's like, "oh, alicia, you owe me an apology." For what?! Why the hell do I need to apologize to her? I don't even know.. So today, well yesterday, I saw my cousin for the first time in like, forever, and he just looks at me... Just looks at me with this look on his face. This look of pure disgust. I used to dress, I guess, moderately girly, but now, eh, not so much. So he's just standing there, looking at me and doesn't say a word. Then he tells my mom to buy my clothes! WTF!! My mom should buy my clothes?! Uh, no, sorry, I don't think so... I think I can buy my own clothes now. I mean, I think I'm big enough now. Nope, that will definitely NOT happen. Oh crap, I just got caught, crap, so I guess I'll write later...

Let's see.. just in case someone is actually reading this, I'll take the time to introduce myself.. Well firstly, my name is Alicia. Funny thing about my name: one's pronounced like "Aleesha" and the other is pronounced like "Aleesia." My name's pronounced like the second one. What else? Um, I used to identify as lesbian, but now I identify as genderqueer and pansexual, so that change is also pretty interesting to me. I'm out as a lesbian to all of my friends, but I'm only out to one friend as genderqueer. I'm not really sure how my other friends will take this because they only understand gay, lesbian, transgender, and bisexual. What else is there to talk about? My family's really homophobic. Actually, I'm exaggerating a bit. They're sort of accepting of the "gay world," as they call it, but they'd never accept me if I were to come out. It's pretty sad. Hmm... I'm sixteen years old, but I'll be seventeen in October, can't wait for that. And school's out, so I'm really happy, but also upset at the same time because I'm really bored. I'm going to Florida with my friend and his Christian, homophobic family in a couple of weeks. I'm not so sure how that's going to turn out because they're making me go to church, even though I'm not religious AT ALL. Wow, I really didn't think I had anything to talk about, so I'm surprised at all the crap I'm saying. I'm finally going to be a h.s. senior, so I'm looking forward to September. I'm pretty much done with high school, but my school is an early college high school, so I'm going to have to come to school for college classes. Going back to the homophobia thing, I just really don't understand it. I don't hate homophobic people, I just seriously have trouble understanding homophobia.. You know, it's not only homophobia, it's any prejudice. I have trouble understanding prejudice in general. Why would someone choose to hate someone else because of something that makes them who they are? I just don't get it. Well, I think that's all I have to talk about right now, so I guess I'll write later or something..