it feels like home when i think about her being with her sad tho that she lives on the west coast half way across the country........ :(

I am going for coffee with you tommorow. I don't know why, I mean you and your womyn live together. I mean I guess it could be a gesture of friendship... I sespect you want more, but given that your living and committed to her I sit idle your silent lady in waiting. Memory plague my soul, i am excited the last time we spent together you made me bloody weak in the knees but knowing that you were taken i held back. my heart skips a beat as i think about that night. memory flood back from high school your so gentle spirit the unspoken truth that we both knew and didnt face back then the hours and hours of talking your leaving for university the visit back to our high school the note you left for me reconnecting on facebook only to find out you your commited the dinner your flirting to the point that I would have made out with you in that dark cold wintery parking lot but didnt because of her the lift so beautiful despite almost losing my pants and that old guy coming to help you thank you for turning him away i know these feelings will resurface when i see you they always do i just hope i dont burst into tears. your nickname your gave me over msn when we were making coffee plans "bub" I love you and yet i dont know why i am going to see you oh wait because i am madly deeply powerfully in love with you my mom met you when you came to get me for dinner and told me later that she thinks you would make a wonderful partner for me and yet i cant have you...I love you despite it all baby-doll

oasis what do you think i am soo stressed for tomorrow!

hey all
its been a while sit back and enjoy as I pour my heart out to this screen. Jeff is about the only one who regularly so this is an update for him with filler for the rest of you to keep up.
You will remember the woman who took me out to dinner despite having a woman at home if you will! well they are uhauling it moved in to the same city as me and i suspect that she is attending the college here too which means i may hang out with her...is that a blessing or a curse? I completely have a thing for her and she knows it and yet shes not ignorning me in fact we are once again communicating wtf? i am so bloody confused.............

I have been out two years now; hard to believe i would like to write something but i am at a loss for words! I have struggled this past week after attending a family reunion and having an uncle publicly proclaim he was a redneck because he hates homosexuals...i was sitting right beside him and he knows about me and my other lesbian cousin im still hurt
there are some wonderful people in my life who deserve due mention Janay my best friend a 34 year woman now and like my sister she doesnt understand the gay experience she understands me! I thank my lucky stars that i have her in my life its late now i will continue this tommorow i have a lot to write but i am sore and tired

now that i have your attention i have to go to bed now BUT CATHERINE DID YOU EVER GET MY EMAIL I THINK I HAVE SENT HMM LET THREE OR FOUR PMs since the beginning on july on here what happened did you fall off the face of the Earth

It is so very strange I sit here on my lunch break contemplating the restless night I had. The sleep was not a sweet gentle slumber but resembled that of a dog chasing rabbits in their dreams I am sure. And yet my dreams were magnificent beauty sweet and gentle and I was sad to awake to the harsh 7 am sun streaming through my window, on a weekend this would have been welcomed even at such an early hour because lying awake watching the sun rise is a treat when you have no other commitments for the rest of the day short of going back to sleep. But today, today my friends the summer sun was my alarm clock I had to leave the wondrous dream I was in the midst of having to get up and ready for work. I sit at my desk waiting for my co-worker to return so we can continue our joint project.
This journal is now being typed from home after a busy work day is complete. On to the dream; it was beautiful when I dream I am always walking never in my chair—that in itself is freedom but last night, was different. Last night I was in my chair waiting at the alter for my beautiful bride. Then the reception and first dance which I will admit scares me. I want desperately to dance to hold her close and forget about the physical challenges of my everyday norm I am babbling now but I can’t picture the day because of two things One I am single and two the chair!!! The god damn chair :(

Okay so it's been awhile since i have written here; and i sense it will be long. I ah I don't know how to say this. I have used R. as a crutch not believing someone will fall for me because of the chair blah blah blah obviously stupid I know. Let that prelude the rest of this post.
I had been missing R. merely because I am using the idea of herto fill some void until i find a real girl. I wanted to talk to my best friend J over skype about how i have been feelin' gulity for missing R being that its two years since i saw her and all that emotional shit and how i feel it was a crutch blah blah blah well i am a private person and feel rather quite stupid that i haven't on some level gotten past this. So as I said J and I sit down to have a heart to heart and my mom walks in and sits down on the couch to read (cant exactly ask her to leave being that my laptop is in the living room) I wish it was in my bedroom but the desktop is and i never use it now that i have my laptop but they refuse to move it statiing we would never see you as you wouldnt leave your room or some bull shit I want my own space because J gets frusterated when we are on skype and i type instead of talk but i dont wanna talk about how i am feeling if my rents are in ear shot and giving that my house is open concept and the desktop is in my bedroom i dont really feel like i have a place to call my own cuz someone (one of my parents is always in my room) what would you do in this situation! advice please!

tis my bday i ma 22 holy crap i feel OLD

I am angry with myself for being such a bitch with regard to walking; that is pretty much the only battle between mom and I, and well the fact that I am just generally lazy about things.
Enough about me, last night I was talking to Vanessa and she had some news for me. V. as I have always called her, Vanessa never felt like it fit her so I shortened it came out to me again for the second time as a F2M trans person! I wasn’t shocked she had been the type of woman that I thought was struggling to grasp who she was. The first time we met she went on a very loud rampage (in the cafeteria at school) about how her male friends were having a “guy’s night” and how they had basically excluded her because well she wasn’t a guy. She was visibly upset and I realize now that this was a cry for help but in the moment I was embarrassed; and I am not one to get embarrassed easily but it was turning heads.
V. has always supported me he came to the public outing at my church and held me as mom spoke about Rosie, about being the parent of a lesbian child and about how even though I had come out she as a parent had gone into her own closet.
I can’t say that V. considers me a close friend because I found out two months after his close friends. He hasn’t done anything with regards to his transition but wants too. I am starting to refer to V. in male pronouns out of respect for his authentic self.
I know that V. knows he has support from me. I also know I have my own journey to come to terms with this! I realize now that I was attracted to Vanessa. She was/is a beautiful woman. But in truth I just want her to be happy and if she’s happy as Vince more power to her!
V. buddy I love you, you are probably one of the most courageous people I have ever met and it’s time to allow yourself to be TRULY happy!

this is an email i wrote to a friend and would like some insight into it! PS not my theory about bisexual woman so dont chew my head off for it - its the theory of the friend i am emailing

I have done a lot of journaling and soul-searching as of lately. Hours after I left your place last time, I let Megan go. We mutually agreed that things had become incredibly awkward between us. We spoke the next day, she wants to remain friends, assuming her boyfriend does not find out. She has one of my favourite books, I loaned her. And, I want it back. She knows what it means to me. So, to help her I asked my best friend (who she still works with) to get the book from her stating that she would see her before I would. (Innez knows no details to my knowledge). She phoned me yesterday, to say that Megan is insisting on bringing the book over herself.
I for one, don't know how I feel about that. Megan e-mailed me last night, and things between her and I seen as normal as ever. Yet, I remain feeling guilty! I'm not sure if this is conscious, but I need to get this out there anyway. I know mom has asked me since letting go of Megan if there was an attraction. At the time, I didn't think there was. I would still like to think there wasn't but why then if that's the case am I feeling disheartened, ashamed, guilty, and alone? Wow, I've seemed to hit a nerve with that last sentence. I don't feel like I was in any way out of line through any of the situation, and yet I'm still the one that's beating myself up about it. Megan is one intuitive woman. I wrote something to the effect of I hope there's no hard feelings for my asking you to move on (mutually agreed-upon course so really it wasn't me asking to move on but anyway) she wrote back something to the effect of why would I be mad about that? I've let it go, what happened happened and there's no need for you to beat yourself up about it! Those few lines from her made me cry. Dictating them now, I find myself tearing up again. I feel so ridiculous, to have such an strong emotion given that I only knew her for a week. I don't understand still even after journaling my emotion? It took me out. That much I know, I would like to remain her friend she's a wonderful woman but not if I'm going to be the ping-pong ball between her and her boyfriend. She needs to sort out her own shit. Intuitively, I know there is an attraction between us. I can't label it as they don't have a word to reference it to, but I'm not about to overstep the line of her relationship. I get intuitively I know that's what she wanted me I know she wants me to save her as you said. I also know that I'm in no position to do that. They've been together for almost 5 years, if they split she moves back to Guelph, and she doesn't drive. So therefore, I think there's also an expectation subconsciously again that I would find her place. Regardless this is only speculation. One thing I know for sure is, she's unhappy in her current situation. She didn't have to verbally say it for me to know and recognize the sadness behind her eyes when she spoke of him. I thought more and more, about your theory that there's no such thing as a bisexual woman, and Megan is a prime example of that. Like Rosie, I sense that Megan is envious of the fact that I'm out as a lesbian woman. But it seems like all these women for me to do is save them. I can't! They want me to be a hero, they want me to be strong! Is it that all I've ever been? I don't really understand. I hate the loneliness I'm feeling. I hate that I feel like nobody understands. Isolation is something that I'm used to so why is this any different? My need to nurture it's incredibly strong I don't know what to do with that. It's not that I don't know how to nurture, it's that right now I feel like I have nothing to nurture, no one, whether that be of a human variety or animal I'm just feeling a loss. That was one thing that Rosie allowed me to do. She allowed me to care for her, even if that wasn't returned always. That's been missing since I've come out and I feel lost.
What are your thoughts?
ps sorry for how long this is and if some words dont fit sorry again used dragon to type this so i hope you can decode it LOL

Monday, May 12, 2008 1:54:32 PM
I tell the world I don’t care, when I really do. I tell the world I don’t mind being alone, when really all I want is to be held. I am so used to the isolating side of my life that I am like a dry sponge when it comes to other young lesbian women.
Is a simple hug to much to ask? Is it wrong for me to want to be held? Why do I feel like something is lacking? Why am I no longer okay within myself? I hold my head high but I crack when I am alone and can let go—like right now.
The nurturing side of my being is so strong right now that I either need a child or a dog to care for. One thing I know is I need my own space and for some reason I suddenly feel like I don’t have my own space.

what do you think?

hey all
its been a crazy week! I have a new attendant! :) shes awesome! she walked in and i KNEW instantly she too is a dyke! well, more acturately shes bisexual! She dated a friend of mine (female) and is currently dating a guy that found out i was a dyke and freaked thinking that we would end up sleeping together which is soooo not the case LOL he sooo doesn't understand bisexuality anyway he freaked on her and i didnt know if she would be back but things between her and i are fine. they are working through some of their own issues. she is the biggest flirt I have ever met omg I will never look at gummie bears the same way :) shhe cornered me on MSN and asked me out right if i was attracted to her which i cant deny but that doesnt mean anything!!!!!!!!! but thats when the boyfriend walked into the room and saw the screen LOL so ya! I am a good girl wont make a move sooo things are all good! I am seeing her a week thurs when i think she and i need to seriously sit down and discuss this BS bc that's all this is BS

I don't usually read my horoscope but was drawn to it today. this is what it says "By the end of the day you'll realize that it's the ups and downs that make life enjoyable sometimes. Try not to expect more from others today than they can actually deliver. Keeping your expectations too high will only lead to disappointment. A new lover may finally admit a deep secret to you today." Today I am meeting a new attendant shes only 3 days younger then i so it should be cool
im not sure the meaning of my horoscope- open to interperation it should also be noted that i am dreaming a lot about my ex and i dont know why we havent spoken in two years

5 years ago my sisters friend and actor Jessie neilsson of the tv series ready or not (justin), the movie skulls, and the TV series adventures inc died he was only 26 (could have age wrong) but our mnisters nephew was also friends with Jesse and dating my sister. My sisters boyfriend's aunt (our family minister at the time) called to get my sisters cell number
the next day my uncle died he was a drinker and drank upwards of 80 oz of vodka a day. it finally caught up with him and on april 27 2003 just 2 week shy of his 47 birthday uncle dave died in hospital at 10 am i remember answering the phone at 12:30 and a nurse from the hospital looking for my dad (my uncles next of kin) and my dad left the room to talk to the doctor so i didnt hear what was said but before he came back i knew what had happened- call it intution

Hello all,
I am excited, I just received the best gift in the mail today. I've been a long-time user of voice recognition software and have had a dinosaur of a version up until today. The college I attend is up to par with the continuous advancements of adaptive technology. So, I've used the newest version Dragon NaturallySpeaking 9 for sometime now at school. I am in office administrative student, and one of the requirements in order to graduate is to be able to obtain 55 words a minute without looking at your hands when you type. If you however, are registered with disability services (as I am) it is written into the college policy that I can use Dragon to attain that required speed. I must report, I've gone from manually typing 15-25 words a minute, to now with the use of Dragon and my voice typing 80 words a minute after errors. Studies have shown that Dragon NaturallySpeaking, 3 times faster than a manual typist. I think I am proof of that! I started this journal entry about three minutes ago. And I could babble on and on forever, Dragon NaturallySpeaking often times makes me forget that people have to actually read what I say! :-) Or at least that is my intent when I type these journal entries. Being able to talk, instead of type makes me way more long-winded than usual so, you have my permission to tell me to shut up!!!

Write back all!
Wheels148