im sorry to the people i've hurt.
im sorry to the people i've set aside.
im sorry to the people who haven't heard from me.
im sorry to the people who think i dont care.
im sorry to the loved ones around me.
im sorry to that one special girl.
im sorry to the world for having me.
i dont mean to have a pity party.
im not sorry for myself im sorry for the others.
i love you baby girl.
remember that.
im getting better....

if you would like to know the story behind this poem then message me.
but there are only three people who would get it.
but not from this point of view.
this is from MY point of view.
it's alot more than just a "wait it out"

phone cord shares whispers
skies show grey
a girl sits alone
pondering her day

another sits quiet
knowing of the others thoughts
smileing at the other
happily caught

but rage storms down
now a fourth party
step out of the shadows
no time for half-heartidly

im here only for you
im not trying to fuck her up
she hurt you all along
now i've had enough

i'll take you in my arms
drag you away from her sarcastic pity
"proposal" yea right
her alignment's shitty

you shut her out
im satisfied now
but no that's not her way
she'll get the last bow

but your mine now
and i must protect my flesh
i megaphone my songs
your jelous just confess

now we sit happily
resting in the craddle
yet you left a scar on her
poke at it 'till it's fatal

i love her
and you have rules to follow
im sorry this whole act
has let your heart so hollow

[ILYMMD]

I know this pretty rave girl
always thinkin' 'bout her
and when she says hi to me
butterfly's go right through me
and when I see her dancin'
wanna take a chance in
getting a little closer
and maybe get to know her

okay so im in a totally amazing relationship.
i love meghan to fucking death.
she's my everything.
i have no problems with our relationship.
it's someone who's jelous that i have a problem with.
this girl is to young and clearly not mature enough.
i mean, when people say "haha emo kid"
normally they're talking about the black hair in the face,
or the poorly choosen outfit that's neon red skinnies with a matrix shirt and a striped long sleeve under that.
possibly a scar or two that they like to tease about.
but OMFGG!
this girl just needs to seriously find a life.
or at least just find someone else to be obsessed with.
"if i looked you in the eye i would break down into tears"
LIKE A FUCKING OBSESSED STALKER!
it was funny to make fun of her misunderstanding of the fact that one she isnt going to be kissing/feeling/touching/etc. meghan. and two ITS NEVER GOING TO FUCKIN' HAPPEN!
oh jeez.
she seriously.
wanna know her about me on myspace consists of?
"we live to die, we love to hurt and we smile just to have it taken away"
ohmyfugginghod.
pardon the scenester talk.
but wholy fuck in england!
she needs to get over it.
me and meghan are forever.
it's not just a quick fuck type of thing.
it's a ENGAGED AND FOREVER, type of thing.
so seriously courtney,
PULL THE RAZORBLADE OUT YOUR VAG AND MAYBE SOMEONE WILL FUCK IT!
ughhhhh.
anyways.
just thought i would vent.
i know a few people will probably laugh at my cursing and weird metaphores and what not but i did to so...
kaythanxbye
-hayden the fucking frusterated homo.

so im going to meet meghan.
im super duper extremely overly omg omg omg excited.
we are going to go to silver wood.
and... we are going to go on alot of rides.
and she's going to hold my hand.
and kiss me and all that omg super duper happy stuff.
lol, ((the super duper omg is getting old))
but...
im gunna do something very special.
and i'm extremely happy.
and excited.
and she's gunna get mad when she reads this because im not gunna give away the surprise.
i'll write about that somewhere she cant read it.
btw...
note to meghan....
there are two gloves.
hahaha.
if anyone is interested in that inside joke please message me.
but yea.
im 100% in love with meghan.
i'd do anything for my baby girl.

so my birthday was the 28th.
i aged, big friggen deal lol.
but anyways,
my mother wanted to spend a day with me.
here's a little inside look on that.
i woke up at 11am.
took a shower.
got ready,
the makeup.
the hair.
i was all good.
lookin' good.
feelin' good.
great start.
first we ate at a place called 'the staggering ox'
which made me giggle a little.
but it really was a little creative place.
they bake their bread in a tin can.
i think it's cuz they like to watch you handle the challenge of eating a sandwhich shaped as a tin can.
then afterwards we were headed to the highlight of my day.
getting my snake bites.
i already had the right side of my lip pierced but i needed the other side.
i walked in,
signed a piece of paper, my mom signed it, and a tall overly tattooed dude plopped me down in a chair and slipped on some plastic gloves.
everything was pre packaged and steryl which aparently my mother liked i didnt really care much i wanted my piercing. hah.
so he clamped it and didnt even warn me
"123here we go" *pushes the needle threw*
holy fucker on an ant hill.
i wanted to smack the hoe.
but i actually was pleased cuz i believe i would of moved if he would of warned me and it would of risked the accuratness of my piercing.
so that swelled up a little.
we were on our way to old navy.
where there was this dyke ((pardon my name calling))
who was flirting with me like crazy.
i was like "uhm..."
and she was like "what?"
i had to break it to her,
i have a gf and even if i didnt she wasnt getting anywhere with me
"i have a gf hunnie and... your really not my type"
i left her with a sad look and her mom gave me the evil eye for the rest of my time there.
then we headed to the valley mall
first stop was claire's.
not that great.
except for the fact that i got some speakers for my mp3.
then we went to icing which is like claire's except it's got good stuff.hah.
so i got hair clips, necklaces, and lipgloss.
then we went to hottopic where i got some more hair clips another necklace and had an interesting convo with a fat dude about underoaths meet and greet.
then we went to anchorblue. where i got some kickass screen tee's.
so i was pretty stoked.
then we stopped at wal*mart on the way home, i needed some mouthwash.
so we got that and then i got in the car and rocked out to a song that was the most amazing song ever.
Addicted by saving abel.
most amazing song ever.
listen to it.
lol it's abit unsensitive so just a warning.

but anyways.
that was my recap.
byeeeeee.

so... one of my friends ran away. she left a suicide note saying that she was gunna drown herself. but she didnt she has been gone for like... a few days and... her brother saw her but she booked it. why does she insist on putting the stress on all of us? dont call me selfish for saying that because she wont kill herself... we all know it. she's doing it for the shock and the worry in us all. i used to be in love with that girl but.. she seems more like a friends with benefits/sister thing. dont ask me how that plays in the same picture and no i dont find it grosse. cuz 1)there are certain things she does that makes me overly protective of her ((like a big sister)) 2)when im single she's like... my fuck buddy, without the fuck we just makeout and stuff. i dont really see her as a friends with benefits type anymore i guess, because im in love but that was my previous view on her.

in other words just to update everyone since i havnt been on here lately. you remember that girl that i was crushing on alot and wanted her and stuff? well i finally got her for myself. she's myne 100% she's comming to see me this summer and im stoked as a blind man in a fish market. hah. that's abit of afroman for you. but yea.
so.. i have to do the dishes and get ready to go chill with my friend so... ttyl you beautiful bloggers. hah.

-H

i got mad.
you frusterated me.
i care about her,
i got steemed.
so,
i dont know if this is what you wanted but...
its what you got.
an apology.
take it or leave it.

you say she's your best friend and that the fact isnt going to change.you say that you're always going to be there for her. but, if thats so, then why do you neglect her when she needs you the most. is A really that much more important? i respected you for not hurting her. thats disapered. you've hurt her, i can believe for one second i thought you hadn't. you were jelous when she called me when she was sad, and the one time she called you and not me, you blew it, with the "i gotta letcha go i'll talk to you later" move, then you get off the phone for your perfectly emotionally stable gf. when she says "okay, thats fine" do you really think she means it? no, duh. she slams her phone closed and throws it at somthing and if you havnt realized the phone is you in the scenario. if you dont care, stop saying you do, cuz she knows when your lieing. im always there for her, always there to listen when she's sad. im always there to make her laugh when she's frusterated or crying. i listen to her problems and give positive feedback. i hate to break it to you but, i know see myself as better than you, i dont hate you but, if your going to be her bestfriend, act like it for once.

-girl in love
aka
Hayden

last night.
best night ever.
nuff said.

so uhm...
last night me and meghan were on the phone.
i feel like an ass...
cuz at the beggining of the convo i just blabbered on about absalutely nuthing and didnt take the time to notice she was crying,
i believe she was trying to hide it from me.
and, it worked, until she sniffled and let out a small sigh,
my heart skipped a beat and i was like
"omg im a fukkn asshole" in my head ofcourse.
but after that, i made her spill it all,
what was upsetting her,
what had happened...
ya know, the usual that comes to mind when your crush is crying?
well... turns out her mom is being the typical religious mum.
hateing anything thats not the normal
"prim/proper/pink/teachers pet" little girl.
meghan's more....
how would you say
BETTER THAN THAT!
meghan does nothing wrong and her mom comes down on her for nuthing at all.
i did feel accomplished towards the middle of the convo,
after she explained and i started to talk and sort my thoughts after picturing how cute she must be when she crys and the fact that i wished i could be there but wasnt.
i was although happy when i made her smile and giggle a little.
i also said somthing that made her reply
"your sweet"
which made me smile the rest of the night,
which became extremely creepy to "kla" ((lol))
but yea, i smiled so much, i always do on the nights when i talk to meghan.
i cant help myself.
i really hope she likes me back....
god do i.....

but on other news,
my ex who thinks we're getting back together told me today that shes tired of waiting around for me to tell her weather we will date or not again and i said "then dont wait" she was like "wtf?" i was like "if you want to date someone else i really dont care" and she thought i got mad cuz she wanted to date someone else but im not i honestly could care less if she wants to go date some "emo guy" hes really just a poser with cool hair and crappy music. but whatever floats her boat, i personally find her disgusting but thats prolly cuz, 1) shes my ex. 2) i only like one girl.
point proven or what?
the thing that humors me tho about the guy that likes her and the guy that she will prolly date is the fact that he started liking her the same day i told him i didnt like him like that, so technically, she's the rebound and the source of him getting closer to me, whatever... im lesbian, nuff said.
-hayden.
-hayden.

so uhm...
i havnt posted a blog in a long time,
its prolly cuz my mom didnt pay the bill and our internet got shut off!
yup, thats it.
so uhm....
i have made a descision over the past day or so and...
i only like one girl.
and im going to fight for her.
im not going to tell you her name but... i believe she knows who she is.
i cannot wait to see her.
it'll be amazing.
yup.
i have waited long enough and i believe i've earned her.
i have been patient, loyal,trustworthy,
i have been there while she cried and laughed.
i have always been happy with her :)
so yea, i still have to be patient tho, i cannot see her till this summer,
and thats if her mom says its okay.
so uhm...
you all might wonder why shes so amazing and taken over my thoughts during history... and physical science... and every other class 1-7((all))
and well... its because....
shes beautiful,
shes funny,
shes not afraid to be herself,
she honest even if its not what you want to hear
she likes my accent,
she makes an effort for me,
etc.
right?
kk.
well yea,
me and her had an amazing phone convo,
dont worry, it wasnt dirty at all ((lol))
it carried on from about 10pm-2am tho.
nice eh?
uhm...
btw,
my accent is english/british
and no its not permanant i only do it at certain times
when im: tired/pissed off/shocked/early in the morning/when im turned on((sometimes, i have learned to control that one))/etc.
so yea.
uhm....
love you all.
-hayden.

omg.
so yea, the lesbians that were makeing out in my bathtub are amazing.
we hung out till like.... 11:00 last night.
it was like... mind blowing-ly hillarious.
boy do lesbians have a sense of humor,
there were phrases used like "fatty dance"
and "aqua man"
omg.
we talked about ex's and "futures"
and we played "super lesbian" duh duh duh duh!
we got kicked out of a grocery store.
and i watches my friend snort some salt and pepper.
hah, lol.
omg.
we also each made a fake penis for ourselves out of condems that were 1.99 for three condems, i was wondering why they were so cheap..
then i found out when amber tried to blow one up and it popped in her face!
ha!
okay, so yea,
i gotta go, my mom wants me off.
byeeeee.

so my friends are sitting in my bathtub.
they are makeing out and grunting and omg.
erin is wearing cheetah boxers ((shes hot!))
and amber is rubbing her all over,
i swear im about to have an orgasm!
i walked in a minute ago and i swear there were some dancing fingers.
oh my ghaa!!!!
they are so hot!
i will post pictures of the two and of them kissing later!
byeeee!
-hayden.

ugh ugh ugh.
elle was supposed to be here at noon.
its 1:30 almost.
doesnt she realize i worry when she's late?
it doesnt bug me...
but...
driving from where she lives to where live...
it should only take about....
15 mins?
ugh...
not an hour and a half.
anyhoo.
while i sit here and worry i will try to find a different topic.
how about maggie,
shes found someone to ask out...
again.
it bugs me,
but if shes happy, im happy
see-----> ^___^
more like :(
but whatev.
uhm,
i just ate a kid's cuisine....
the stuffed crust pizza kind...
and the pudding was rather....
interesting.
the sprinkles make for a rather
"crunchy" texture.
not the best i'd say.
and now im watching a music video
where apparently this band thinks that its cool to base their entire music video on the paparatzi ((butchered that word)) bugging the hell out of britney spears.
one word for ya
((i'll spell it out))
L-A-M-E
its just about the most pathetic attempt at showing the world
your mature "emo" music.
im not "dawging" on the emo's here but seriously,
it was a buncha emo wannabee's makeing a video.
and it made it on a highly watched video show.
personally i like "we the kings"
their music is enjoyable.
but yea....
i might post another blog in a minute.
im off to change my background and song on myspace.