Aww, memories... like how damn much I hate the mandatory title bar!!! Yaaaay!! Aww, it's good to be back. I've gotta wonder how much the membership of the site has changed since I vanished because of schoolwork and stuff like that. In general, I use my journal less, so I've needed to come on here less and less. But now I need some help, from some real people, so I'm popping back in for the moment at least to ask for some advice.

So my group of friends is very very close-knit, and we definitely think of ourselves as a family. We're also diverse, age-wise (and otherwise), and so a bunch of people graduated and went to college. This one weekend, a bunch of people came back, and we spent a bunch of time together. The first night, I had a new camera, and I was taking a lot of pictures and having fun. And one of my friends didn't like being photographed, and kept telling me not to take pictures of him. Well, we were goofing off and having fun and drew a pretty lewd labeled stick figure drawing of three of our friends who weren't there having gay sex. But it was all in good fun. I photographed the diagram and posted it on Facebook with the rest of the pictures.

So, one of the guys in the picture, who's in college now and who I look to a lot and was getting closer and closer too... he emails me and is REALLY fucking angry. Like, very very pissed. And so I send him an email apologizing profusely, saying that I'm just an idiot, I'm really really sorry, I didn't realize that this would be offensive because I don't offend easily and I see that now and I'm a dumbass, I didn't mean any disrespect, I'm really sorry. And he emails me (keep in mind, about three weeks later) saying that what I did was "unforgivable." That he didn't take issue with the content, but the fact that I posted it at all, despite my friend's warnings and requests to stop taking pictures (which was, I thought at the time and still think, just him not wanting me to photograph him). And he goes on to say how he expected better from me, that our relationship is based on him thinking I'm more mature than this, and refuses to except excuses like "she's just a kid," "she didn't know better," "it was a new camera..." He also got offended that I said I didn't find the picture offensive because I don't offend easily--he thinks I was calling him really thin-skinned. So, he says that things are NOT alright between us, he's going to do the closest thing within our circle of friends to severing ties with me. Or something like that. And I just goddamn don't get it. ARGH.

So, I don't really know what to say to this. And I can't exactly let it lie, because he comes in from college to see a school play on Thurs. or Fri. So... help, please? Any advice?

Not that I've ben posting all that much lately anyway ( a fact that makes me sad....) BUT: today I head off to 5 weeks of Composer's Camp in Dublin, New Hampshire. (Anyone who lives up there wanna come and visit meee? xD ) So, if you wanted an explanation for my absence (this time), you got it. I hope everyone has a superawesomefantastic July, and I'll be back reading your journals in August. MWAH!

hey.
so, I didn’t want either of us to go away without me having gotten this off my chest:

jesus Christ, you leave the fucking country without saying goodbye? I actually can’t believe you. in all of your hunter student intelligence, you couldn’t think of a way to actually say goodbye, something more than “sorry my parents flipped, I’ll send you letters, gotta go bye”? that is really not okay. you disappear off the face of the earth for two weeks, and then when I finally get to see you, … today was fucking hard for me. I’ve been breaking down all over the place for the last month, if you need proof of just how significant what I’m going through is. I’m sure it pales in comparison to your earth-shattering drama, but hey, it’s still what I feel, and its got me breaking down in tears twice a week and not eating and generally flipping out, so I reason it’s worth a fucking ounce of your time and energy, when I can have all this going on and still give you 110% (or however much of that you’ll let me). I’m not asking that much, if you’re using absolutely all of yourself to keep together. it’s common fucking courtesy. i feel a damn bit taken for granted right now. I won’t always be waiting around for when you deign to come to me, or when zach’s not around for you to be flirting with. but hey, i’ve stuck around thus far, because that’s what friends do.

this email is probably coming out harsher than I intended. I realize what you’re going through—or if not actually realize, i respect that you’re going through a LOT of heavy stuff. but that doesn’t give you a right to completely blow me off—friends are there for each other. sometimes there are lapses, of course, rough spots, but after a few weeks, they snap out of it. and a good friend will stand by and be there on the other side. but i feel like ive been waiting out a rough spot all year, and it’s getting fucking tiresome. you of all people should know that i hate being second string, a backup, being taken for granted by people i care about. but tonight, and every now and then, with you, i feel like I did when I was crushing on anna, for fuck’s sake. im sick of being kept in the dark and being a backup for zach. Im starting to like you when you’re with him less and less. its just insulting. i care about you as much as you care about zach. but you know what? im still there for my friends, i don’t bump any of them down, because I have fucking self control, which is something you need to learn. ive seen you use self control with a razor. try it here. and most importantly, I don’t bump down my friends because they’re there for me when I need them, so I’m there for them when they need me. they’re there when I call them fucking sobbing because I don’t know what to do with you because you’re hardly acknowledging that I exist, let alone that I care about you and want to help. you make me feel as if I’m totally unqualified because I’m not your love interest-slash-dark and brooding with my own deep dark problems, and that is completely fucking unfair.

I don’t know why I’m bringing all this up before we both leave, except that I felt like I had to. I would like very much if you replied soon, but mostly, I just want you to reply. think it over. write me at camp, I guess. i’m sorry if this came out sounding harsh—this is just a stream of consciousness email. and see what I said about, I do realize that you’re going through a lot, and I’m not trying to belittle it in anyway. this was sort of a detox for me to write. but I’m going to send it anyway because it’s true nonetheless. and know that I’ll be here if you want me, but not otherwise. you know that I love you and I want to always be there for you, but I need something in return, recognition, someone that I can lean on when I need to. so… please reply, eventually.

fly safe, be well.
--
so... what's the verdict? did i do the right thing? did i fuck up? was i really unfair to her? was that a very dumb decision? or was it my prerogative? AAAAAHHHH!!! now i'm wigging out that it was super unfair and that it'll really fuck with her... but another part of me feels very glad that i sent it. but i'll never really be alright until i get some sort of resolution, which probably won't happen cause she's going to fucking Hungary for a month. argh. i don't know. i dont know i dont know. i never know with her. she's so...ah. i don't know.

Woah. So, It less than a week, I'm going off to sleepaway camp for the first time ever, for a 5 week period. The most I've ever been away from home on my own is 3 days, tops. And I've always had a little bit of separation stuff (or something... a mild degree of separation anxiety, I guess), and lately my pho-insomnia has flared up again (where I start stressing about not being to get to sleep, and the stressing keeps me up and leads to less sleep which leads to more stressing.... -.- ) and I'm just... worried.

It's a composing camp and everyone there will be super musical, and while I'm very musical I've had little to no training and I've got no technical skill, so I'm worried I might pale in comparison to everyone. Then there's the, oh god, what if I didn't remember everything, what if I pack nothing I need and spend the whole time miserable and supply-less, or what if it turns out all my new clothes don't fit me and I have nothing to wear... and of course, there's the age-old, will I make friends? Will I get by without my friends from home? Will I get a good roommate or will my dorm life be hell?

Then there are worries about my creative flow, about the pho-insomnia thing, that amorphous first-time-away-from-home anxiety... and a part of me is worried there'll be homophobia there. It's a camp in New Hampshire, and it is artsy and music-y, but still... I have to live with these people for 5 weeks, I can't afford to piss them off. It would go against my principles to be quiet and closeted... I don't know. How have people handled being out at camp? God, this is so weird, it's been more than a year since I stressed about coming out to anyone... I don't like this feeling =( advice please?

Yeah. It's been ages since I've written here. I miss it, but I don't have the time or energy. My best friend/unrequited love interest is cutting again and severely depressed and I don't know what to do. And I feel horrible because lately I've been getting even a little angry at her for this, for having these mood swings and being so broody all the time, or being all full of this fake, bubbly happiness that she uses to keep herself from breaking down. I don't like being angry at her for things she can't control (and also, with the whole love interest best-friend-crush thing, there's a huge sense of deja vu, what with my last long-term crush on best friend who betrayed me....... and so, paranoia and doubting current BFULI.....) It's just really not good. I've been a lot more prone to bad moods and little depressive episodes... it's strange, because I don't think I've ever quite been like this before. Do I have an unhealthy relationship with her, like she does with her BFULI? See, that's the funny thing, she's in love with a mutual friend of ours... also very very depressive... and her moods ride on his moods and my moods ride on her moods. And she knows that I like her, and she offered to not talk about her romantic issues, but I said she could cause I would never want to censor her and I want us to have a normal friendship. But, listening to her lament liking her best friend... and sitting there going, "yeah, I know it sucks, cause hel-loo!" Aah. I hate this whole situation. I wish she could be well. I wish I could stop being angry at her for no reason. I wish I could be well. I... I don't know. I don't know how to deal with this, I don't know what I can do for her. Or for me. Help?

I'm in a little unofficial writing group with some friends, and one of our writing prompts this week was "pleats and plaid."

Yepp. I'm gonna write me some Catholic Schoolgirl smut. ^^

Course, I was thinking this all out on the bus coming back from upstate today, and it was ^^, but I was sitting next to my mom and it was just a bit awkward...

I absolutely hate it when something occurs in my life, and I pause and realize, "If this were happening in a novel, I'd underling that as something significant that I could write a homework assignment/essay on." DAMN IT!

So, 8th grade crush girl. Is on tech with me. Leaving aside the issue of whether they actually like her, our two tech bosses flirt with her ad nausium. And today, unless my intuitions have severely deserted me, the other junior member of tech has the hots for her too. Me and crush girl have discussed before how bosses flirting with her means favoritism, and her not getting yelled at and stuff. So me and her were talking in the hallway today, and we brought up (so I'm not the only one who noticed this) that other junior techie likes her too. And me and other junior techie are, in some combination of us, taking over tech next year, but technically she gets dibs on "tech head" b/c she was here first. So I say to crush girl, "damnit, you're never going to be yelled at in tech ever!" Jokingly, of course (though it's really annoying, actually, how much favoritism she gets, and what asses our bosses are to me...). And she replies (also jokingly, but still...) "yep, every head of tech is gonna fall for me... and so will you!"

"And so will you?"

DAMNIT! WHY IS SOME TEENAGER SOMEWHERE READING MY LIFE IN ENGLISH CLASS????

OMG! I saw The Vagina Monologues at the LGBT Center last night, as a benefit for LAVAA. And i was SO AWESOME!!! Hahaha it was really great, really fun, lotta energy. Fun monologues, great audience, some really really great performers. Vagina Lollipops. Went with some friends, inc. an old friend I haven't seen in forever. A bunch of school people showed up too, and there were a lot of funny connections. Met some friends of a friend. It was fun. And OMG BUNCHA ANGRY QUEER WOMEN STANDING AROUND IN THEIR UNDERWEAR!!! (I got to see him naaaaaaaked! Squee!!) God, he's such a great performer. It makes me so happy. Such stage magnetism. It's wonderful, a joy to watch. Happy happy times ^^

OMGOMGOMG!!! I got two scholastics!!! A gold and a silver. And like OMGYAY!!!

In other news: I need to learn gospel music. As in, the genre. Gotta be able to write gospel music by the end of the month. XD (So if anyone has stuff to give me... even just music to listen to... please!)

In other other news: Oh my god his poetry is so amazing! And he's actually a fucking fantastic songwriter. And such a great performer, and just... oh my god swoon. Although, he dropped out of our play =( so a) we have to give his part to a guy far less talented, and b) I don't get to hang out with his awesomeness and watch him perform and go to cast sleepover with him and do the whole bonding thing so he stops being all weird and aloof. OMG.

What happens when you know someone personally on Oasis? Esp. if that person figures prominently into your journal entries? Just sort of curious, 'cause I noticed some conversations going on between When I Call Out Your Name Do You Hear and ReinbowGirl.......... So? What happens/what do you think would happen/what are you afraid of happening? Etc., etc.?

I just burst into tears for what I this is no reason at all. I'm so confused. I'm very melancholy at the moment, somewhere between thinking that all the people who have "problems" should just swallow their pride and get some help and not use it as an excuse to be assholes to to make everyone around them miserable (which is incredibly unfair, I know, but I'm not at my most rational right now), and sort of... I don't know... wishing I had problems, or something to give me priority, because I hate being second, I hate being a spare. Yeah. Also, being second best as the friend that helps people... I hate it. When someone has a really great friend who's, like, holding their life together, and whom they tell everything to, and I just can't compete... sucks.

And speaking of spare, I'm wondering if my 8th grade crush-type-girl is using me as a spare flirting target, to get her flirting fix when older-guy-flirt-target isn't around (and he's flirting with her as stand-in for his girlfriend). That's a very sore spot for me, because that's what ex-best friend psychobitch did to me for a year--kept me as her spare. I don't think 8th grader would do that, I think she's a genuinely good person who wouldn't hurt me like that... but the thing is, I'm never sure anymore. Because all the people who have betrayed me, I trusted them totally and completely until I... didn't. It's weird. I'm paranoid. People change, and it's scary and confusing. And lately I've also been doing the "am I getting on my friends' nerves?" thing. Fucking annoying. ARGH. Things are confusing. I need to get the fuck over her.

Re: the 8th grader that I like who's actually, like, 18 on the inside. The other day, after I'd been having a pretty bad day to begin with, she reaffirmed again that all the flirting she's been doing with me has been purely platonic, and it just really sucked to hear it again, so a few minutes after I broke down into tears a little in the stairwell with a mutual friend. But then I stopped myself because I had a show to tech, so I splashed some water on my face and went back into the booth, but she, being the perceptive person that she is, realized that something was very wrong. But since we had a show to do, she backed off. Only, today, she said that she wanted to ask me about something, "if I was ready to talk about it." Which makes me think she's talking about that day (because obviously, she doesn't know why I was crying). But I really want to keep her as a friend, no matter what happens... also, she's going through her own romantic issues, and I'm very reluctant to add to them. So...... I need to figure out if, when she asks, I:
a) tell her the truth. That I was crying because it's a bitch to hear that the person you like only likes you platonicly, even if you knew it before.
b) tell her the truth, but exaggerate it a bit so it seems that my crush on her is less of a big deal.
c) tell her I'm not ready to talk about it, or some variation thereof. She might worry or feel bad, but I know that she'll give me my space.
d) lie. Which I won't do. So that's not really an option.
Or, some variation of one of these. But the point is, I really need advice. Please. Because I have a feeling this conversation may happen tomorrow or even later tonight. So.... help?

Heh, random titles are the bomb. I do believe THIS is the greatest movie ever. We should rent it and watch it at the big Oasis girls (and guys) orgy at Ruby's. God, will that surface in all of my journals? Anyway, yeah, I'm very tired and running on about a can of coke at the moment. I'm in tech again, spending long times hanging lights. I love my boss to death outside of tech, but when we're working he is an ASS. Jebus. But he's going through some tough shit at the moment, that I'm not really qualified to help with... I hope he's okay is all I can say.

8th grader crush thing is hormonal and confusing, but she's also a really good friend at this point. Despite the fact that our sleepover had some disturbing similarities to one of my earlier sleepovers with Ghandi the Destroyer (aka Anna, ex-best friend who stabbed me in the back), I do believe that she's a genuinely good person, muchly unlike Anna. With this little seed of doubt and all the second guessing, I still see that, and it's only this newfound paranoia that's asking me if I've looked carefully enough.

Yeah, that's the other thing. There's this girl, Eleni, who was a very good friend. But she's got this weird rebellion thing going on. She lies all the time, although she swears she's never lied to her friends. She took up smoking, although she said she'd quit a few times, most recently right before I found a pack of cigs in her pocket, which she swears she only has because if she doesn't have some on her, she'll want more. And she's just generally become someone I don't want to hang out with, dressing like a whore, hooking up with random guys....... and here's the thing that finally tipped it: she does said random hooking up in the tech booth. In MY tech booth. That booth is mine, goddamnit, mine and tech's, it's one of the things I have at this school that's mine, my place. And she uses it for fucking hookups? I know it might seem petty to put it into text, I'm probably not explaining this fully because I'm tired, but... tech is damn possessive about our booth. Because it's ours, and one stupid person can do so much damage. See, now the gossip has circulated, and now I'm-not-sure-how-much of my grade knows that the booth is a potential make-out spot. We're missing about $1000 worth of microphones (that we NEED, damnit!!!) And it's someone's fault. Goddamnit. See, I knew that Eleni had used the booth to make out, so I made her swear she wouldn't again. Then she did and told m, and this time she swore (as if it was more than last time), and I didn't turn her in because I was trusting her and I was protecting her. Thennnn she does it again and gets caught. And my boss, after flipping out at her, flips out at me as well, for not telling him. She broke TWO promises to me, and almost cost me my job at tech (which I love and need in my life) because I trusted her and was trying to protect her. ARGH. So yeah, we're not really talking anymore. (Apparently she looked high at school today... but see, I've tried to hard to help her so many times before, and she's turned down my help every single time... I've just stopped worrying about it, about her, it's not my problem any more. I've tried a hell of a lot, and she just won't be helped. Argh.)

And I decided I'm going to confront Anna. Eventually. Soon. Eventually. Maybe. And just get all this stuff off my chest. Because I think what I need right now is closure.

Oh shit, I need to choose electives soon.

Woah. OH SHIT. Yeahhhh, I have to be at school in... hmm... 8.5 hours to do tech (YAY) for a really bad show (blah) and a stupid-ass acts-like-she's-seven bitch ho director who tries to tell us how to do our jobs (GAAH *stabby stabby kill kill*). Then dash home with Maddie, shower, find an outfit, and go to a sweet 16. Blaaaaargh.

And I haven't had an orgasm in, like, more than a week. My vagina is sad =( (although, i might add, lacking in teeth.) This should be remedied. Ruby and others, suggestions?

Watched DEBS last night. So cute!!! Molly was in from upstate. We hung out, it was very fun. A little awkward when she and Zach were talking over my head about stuff (apparently all it was was that they think Zach's sister is hitting on me....... which I figured out by myself, so they didn't need to make it as secretive and awkward as they did -.- ) and we didn't really talk about stuff the first night, but the second night we did and it was really fun. And she's just a great person and I was happy to have her there. Plus, I watched DEBS and know where to find South of Nowhere online now. Yay!

DEBS is so cute!!!!! OMG! I wanna watch it again! With commentary! I have to write a play, study for a final, and do reading notes, but STILL!!!!!

Wow. This stuff really does come in waves on Oasis, doesn't it? At the risk of being an issue copy-cat:
my gender is confusing me.
By this I mean, there are many, many times that I don't feel very feminine at all. I don't know what I am feeling, but... yeah. I've gotta name my character for the ensemble of our school musical, and my first instinct was a male name. I'm so confused, wow. And I really don't need another thing to be questioning. Dear fucking god.

In other news: I need to learn a British accent. And be absolutely fluent with it, because it's not a specific set of lines I have to learn British-ly, I'm ensemble so I'm going to be chatting up the audience before the show. And just GAH I fail so hard where accents are concerned. -.-

I start tech for my next show soon. It'll be nice.