wooh.. britney spears.. hahaha .. ahk.

I'm so pleased with myself. I did a network search on facebook of my highschool (I'm such the facebook creeper!) of women who are interested in women. and then who are interested in women & men. Of course there's like, 6. Including me. But under the women&men one I saw the girl who was my best friend preschool-1st grade. but she goes to a different highschool. And I was of course like woah when did this happen! So I went to her profile-edit-mini-feed (again, facebook creeper I am), and she changed her interested-in section the day after she added me as a friend. Yay! I think I inspired her [= And maybe I actually have a chance with her.. But I don't have any feelings for her besides old-time friends. I should probably text her and say we should hang out in town, but ugh. She's so skinny/pretty/worldly/i havent seen her in years and years and years.

What to do.

I love ignoring boy. It always results in him calling me<3. He can't come to my birthday party. Psh. At least I'll be less self-conscious now. But I haven't hung with him since July22nd!! ZOMG. I need to see him. Cause I need a kiss. And a hug. And my ring/his shirts he's giving me!! Jeez.

I binged yesterday. But I'm over it & moving on. Imagine that.
ALMOST SCHOOL!<3

Yay I'm finally sixteen today =]

Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life. My ex and me got in a huge fight. That's never happened before. We finally talked on the phone at like 5pm and worked it out. But I almost off'd myself before that. *sigh*. He was a douche. I was right. He was wrong. I still love the kid.

Everything was crap until then but after that I felt better. Then I ran for 45 minutes so I guess that lifted my spirits chemically. Then my best friend brought me flowers (sunflowers. my fave kind <3). That was really nice. Oh and i got a whammy bar for my guitar yesterday as an early birthday present. Sweet.

Today has been relaxing. My parents aren't home because they drove out to my sister's college to help her switch dorms. It's okay. I won't be alone for my whole birthday and they left me a bunch of notes. Still, I feel like I should be doing something. I guess I'll run and stuff. I dunnos.

The only bad thing is I guess I haven't eaten very well today because it's my birthday. And I've already had like 1,350 calories. And I have 1,500 a day. I guess I should make an exception for today. I just feel bad cause I've lost.. 11 pounds. I don't wanna take a step backward. Maybe I'll have like salad for dinner and then have my parents take me out for ice cream? I don't want my anorexia to come back. Gotta start this year off on the right foot. *sigh*

They upped my Accutane dosage and now I'm getting all those original side effects that had finally subsided all over agian. My lips are freakin dry, my skin won't take to makeup, and it's breaking me out. Oh well. I guess thats the price I'll pay for perfect skin in October and near perfect skin forever =] Yay.

I've been watching Will & Grace and I Love Lucy for like 2 hours. I have a life, hehe =]

So glad I got a lot of bad stuff out on the last day of being shitty 15 years old.

Who the hell says you're dead to me? In real fucking life? What the fucking fuck. Who says that. I didn't do anything?

I'm so pissed and yet I have that feeling like I'm gonna throw up.

I love how my favorite holiday was ruined and now my birthday will be too.

I hate people. I didn't do anything. What the fuck. I WANNA KILL SOMEBODY. But that just leaves me

I should never stay up late again. Nothing good comes of it

That it's not even funny. Things have been so stressful yet I've been happy. Lets see. Haven't binged in.. 19 days. Wooh. I've also lost 11 pounds since then. Doesn't sound healthy but you always drop a lot at first and then it slows down a lot. Hmm so now I'm 145.5 at 5'6.5''. Why can I not just be 5'7''?? Grr. I probably stunted my growth being anorexic at 13 and 14. Stupid. Aiming for 125. That's good for my height. Plus on the slim-ish side would help for running.. =]

Yesterday I ran a 5K in 35 minutes. thats so.. bad. And that was on FLAT ground. I know I can't compare myself to everyone else, I just have to improve myself. But seriously. Most girls get 21-26. And real practice hasn't even started yet.. *Sigh* I just gotta keep working and believing.

I still have no appetite. I bought some food that I eat at shoprite yesterday. Especially stuff with fiber cause I'm not getting enough. It helps a little but I still have no appetite. Like, I get hungry. But then when I look at food it sickens me and I have no desire to eat. *Sigh*. I guess its a blessing in losing weight but it makes me nervous too. I do eat anyway though. Don't wanna fuck my body up.

My birthday is on Sunday. Wooh! Officially be sixteen. =]

I had this weird dream where children with cleft palette birth defect like circled around me and beat me up. It's weird. The only connection I can think of is that the henna tat i got a few weeks ago made a donation to research for that condition. Ahh weird though. I woke up screaming again =/

*sigh* My life is so stressful right now that all I seriously feel like doing is running. And I am not even good yet. It just feels right. I don't know.

I really need to learn to write in my journal when I actually have thoughts.

I wonder where all the people are out there. Who know the way I feel. Where your direction in life is like a small narrow bike path leading onward to a healthy life. On one side of the path looms anorexia. On the other side binge eating. One false step and you find yourself veering off the path into the darkness once again. I have to widen the path. But that's difficult to do while you're traveling down it at the same time. I feel good. But what if there isn't a foundation for my sanity?

What it feels like when you can't eat in front of other people. How I feel like screaming when someone goes "Mmmmm." Is it just a stupid pet peeve? Or maybe it angers me because its a sound of enjoyment. They're enjoying their food. I can't even comprehend what that feels like. Food is a fuel. Sometimes a guilt. But enjoyable? No. We are not friends. Food pretended to be my friend to fill the void. That didn't work so well. I've fought that for 13 days straight. Which is good for me.

I'm doing really well. So I have to be more careful than ever. Watch out for SUD's (what my therapist calls Seemingly Unrelated Decisions). It really helps.

Starving is easy. Starving is oh so easy. If I wanted to I could starve myself. Lose weight (mostly muscle..) Hmm. Then start getting dizzy again. Fucked up heart rate/pain. Thankfully nothing has ever gone past that. But I could keep going. Turn into bones. And die. How convenient. But I think I'll choose the hardest path. Being healthy. Being Fit. Being happy. Because who doesn't like a challenge, eh?

And if I get hit by a bus or something on the day I feel completely comfortable with my body. Well then that's just fucking hilarious irony and someone should write a book about me. Ah fate.

I don't believe in fate. I don't believe in God. I want to. That doesn't seem to make sense to anyone but me. They ask "How can you WISH you had faith if you're not a believer?" Because. For selfish reasons I guess. For something to trust, to put my faith in, for SOMETHING to believe in. I wish I had that. But I just, don't believe. Not yet. I have quite the open mind though.

And if there was a Heaven. There might just be someone, well there is, that it would be nice to spend eternity with. If I can't spend it with him.. it just wouldn't be heaven. So screw it.

Apparently my cholesterol is quite good. Cooleo. My triglycerides were high a few weeks ago. Kinda scary because I binged that week then took the test. I felt all the horrible side effects of the ED but never like, a lab test result. It fucking messes you up. But I've been great for 13 days. Hey two weeks tomorrow =] and now my levels are fucking pro. Wooh.

I've been dealing with bad things a bit better lately. Taking them lightly. Not letting it get me down. Because I've known them long enough that things always get better. So I have faith they will again. I guess that's something? And if I'm going to be in love (not like I have a say in the matter) I might as well not be so sensitive. Because thats a sure way to cry every day. And that's no way to live. I'd much rather just let my emotions out through running and guitar hero. Ah guitar hero <3

And maybe these matters, disorders, depression, you name it, have been sent to me to make me stronger. To teach me how to be happy and healthy for myself. Because sure now the happy-go-lucky-skinny-beautiful-girls-and-boys may seem lucky. But they haven't had to deal with anything too huge. Issues inside themselves. Cutting you at the bone. And those issues will come to them, someday. And they won't know how to deal. Their lives have been at a 'mostly good' point. So when things go sour for a time, it will seem horrible. For me, I'll be used to it. The downward drop won't be a spike, just a dip. And I'll be able to say Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

I need to write this down and get it out of my head too.

A couple weeks ago boy texts me "I just found out my mom is 12 weeks in with twins." Yeah. He's seventeen. That's awkward but wonderful. But the other day we were talking and out of the blue he has a mini break down. Apparently his mom screamed and something went wrong. The EMS and police came. She's in the hospital. One of the babies died. She's still in there. I really want her to be okay. And her baby. He says she's dealing pretty badly. She's a strong woman though so I think if this baby survives she'll be okay. But what if it doesn't?

Boy was like "If my mom dies can I move in with you?" I felt so bad. And of course said yes. But the horrible thing is, for a second there I wanted her to. Just to live with him. I'm so horrible! I definitely want her to live and deliver the baby alive. I wish I had something to pray to but I can't bring myself to believe in any higher power.

It's so weird for something to die that hasn't even been born yet. Although I suppose that's less painful then it dying after birth... Is that the sunny side of this situation? Because I don't see one.

Also his mom's fiancee got laid off. She's verryyy well off, but still. He's living with boy now. Apparently they avoid each other. I'm worried about him. He can open up to me and he knows it. I hope he comes to me.. =/

Doing 100 on the highway with a 17 year old boy you're in love with is quite a free feeling.

These past few days I've felt happy. Which of course means I've been crying a lot. Why is my body completely opposed to happiness? Went on a 'not-date' with boy last night. We went to the movies but he was gonna pick me up right after I got out of the shower. Hell no! I made him wait so I could get ready which ended up working out really well for me. We saw the 8:20 movie and had 2 hours to kill =] Which meant eating pizza and playing in Toys R Us! I thought that place went out of business years ago. When we were ordering pizza the guy was like you two together? and boy goes "No we're ordering seperately" and the guy goes "Oh. yes but you're t o g e t h e r!?" And boy is all ''No." Guy asks again. "No we're not dating." Talk about awkward moments. So I told him to tell the guy we were brother and sister. And boy goes "Would you still have sex with me if you found out we were related?" Me: "Yeah.." Boy: "Yeah me too." Me: "Well.. I'm glad thats out in the open." Boy: "We're already this far in why turn back!"

Whoever invented the arm rests you can push up in the movie theater is a genius... =]

Ugh. We are this far in. But into what? What the hell are we. We're best friends. But sometimes we act like boyfriend and girlfriend. And sometimes we just act horny. But seriously. He definitely does not act like this around his other best friends. Cuddle with them in the movie theater? Kiss their hair? Kiss their neck? Hold hands? I don't think so.

I over think things that don't matter. I should be thinking about.. eh its summer I'm free! I should be running. But I have practice later. So I guess I shouldn't. Fuck that's gonna kill me.

Soul Asylum is very comforting to listen to. Who knows why. I need warped tour tickets. I NEED to see Tom DeLonge <3

I need to go cry. I'd rather just play guitar hero.

Is the favorite pastime of my generation to take pictures of ourselves? Either in the mirror (making those obnoxious duck-ish lips. Ew. I hate that) Or with friends. Just to later put up on facebook? I'm guilty of doing it too, and while sometimes its fun, sometimes it feels so fake. I guess I would be a horrible model.

I'm trying to convince myself that my stretch marks are just a reminder of all the hardships I have and am still going through. All the hard work. And all the mistakes. its not working too well.

My hair smells amazing.

Time to write in my journal, because I can't for the life of me fall asleep. I don't know what it is. I don't know if its the depression, or the fact that this medicine causes my spine to grow.. how did they put it.. bony spurs. Which basically make it hurt like a bitch when I lie down. That feeling I used to have where a 1 or 2 possible sleeping positions weren't that great? Now every single position is painful and uncomfortable. Also, having nothing to do with the meds, I seem to have developed some sort of sleeping styler where i HAVE to have my hands under my pillow. It sucks. Up til around when I became a teenager I always slept on my back. Nowadays I can't fall asleep on my back. It doesn't happen. I feel open and unprotected. I try to cross my hands over my chest and lay there for 20 min until I fall asleep but nothing happens. My hands can't be in the air either. They have to be gripping something. Or under a pillow. Nobody else has their hands under their pillow. I feel like a failure sleeping. Just sleeping.

Why am I so depressed? I go to therapy. I'm in tune with myself. I think about things and try to work them out positively. I run (that keeps me happy for short terms). Ugh. It just. So unfair. I feel all empty inside. And now I'm crying. COOL. What the fuck. Is it because boy signed off? 'Cause thats just pathetic. What, so now he has to talk to me in a never ending conversation, forever? That's ridiculous. But I feel empty when he's gone. Whatever. He can go fuck himself in his dreams. Cause he can fucking sleep. Ughh it hurts. I should probably turn off like Blue October and shit. Its probably just making it worse. Music makes me emotional. But I don't wanna wear my heart on my sleeve. But I end up wearing it on my fucking forehead.

I need Advil but I don't feel like going downstairs cause my dad will think I'm binging and I'm self conscious around him. I probably would though.

"I sink now to the ocean floor,
Because I know we are more
But I've made this mess
I've built this fire, are you still mine?
Cause baby I'm not all right when you go
I'm not fine, Please be all mine
I never want you to go because I am all yours,
so please be all mine."
-Earthquake by The Used

I'm relatively sure what's upsettig me has to do with my self esteem right now and not really anything to do with Boy.
When you pretend you're no longer in love with a guy who KNOWS you LOVED him and knows you take love completely seriously. And knows you feel that true unconditional love is forever. Does he actually think you're over him?

What an idiot. I'm faking. He's my world. I'm his girl. What the fuck.
Hmm.. I'm gonna make it my goal to become his HS sweetheart. I could use another unhealthy goal. XD

Fuck Star Trek the next generation. I hate it.
Purell looks yummy.
I need warped tour tickets.
I should join the 62 mile high club.
Eeyore is so cute.
I wish on 11:11 twice a day. For the same thing. Every day.
Maybe you're not supposed to tell other people what they feel. But he likes me. He's just fucking clueless. GR. He needs to just give up and date me.

I get 2 of his shirts and my celtic ring back wooh. I love guys clothes.

http://www.shilodesign.com/#/work/the+war/
So making junk like that is kinda what I want in a career.
But then again I have about five other paths in mind.
Best to put this down in writing, so I don't forget what inspires me.

One of my best friends who moved to FL after our freshman year in HS is visiting today til thursday. Yayy I'm so excited I love her. I think on Weds. we're taking her to NYC.

Apparently there's a meteor shower on my birthday. Kickasssss

I quit my job. Hurrah! And yet I still only have $256. What the fuck. Fuck fuckity fuck fuck. Fuck.

I quit my jobbb. Ha-ha ha ha-ha.
6.5 more hours of hell and I will never ever return to that restaurant and the smell of bleach all over me!!

Cross country is brutal. I love it =]
Ugh all my times seriously suck though. I hate that I'm BEHIND where I started out last fall. But at least this time I have 7 weeks of summer practice before the actual season starts. Hopefully that will help.. A LOT. Added pressure from the fact that the guy I love runs XC too. And there's no hiding in this sport. I don't want him to see me weak. It's good motivation but also makes me nervous for the end of August. I can't believe I'm a junior. And he's a senior. I don't know what I'll do with myself after he leaves. But I'm not going to think about that until next summer. *Sigh* The girls on my team are friggen phenomenal. I only hope that pushing myself hard & consistency will one day get me where they are. It's one of my only positive outlets.

I hate my job. It makes me want to gauge my eyes out with the handfuls of forks I tend to carry. Last week I was hoping one of the knives would accidentally cut me so I could go home early! I'm quitting ASAP.

The other day I was walking with my friend. She is not close minded. Or so I thought... I dunno. Anyway I don't know how we got on the subject but we were talking about my sexual orientation and she's like I don't know if bisexual-ness really exists. That really pissed me off. I asked her why she thought that. She said "I know there are gays and straights, and I think bisexuals are just confused straight people." I couldn't even think of a good argument it pissed me off so much. I mean, I didn't think I needed everyone to share my opinions. I don't WANT everyone to share my opinions. But why does she, and a lot of people, need to confine everything to these boxes, black and white? Nothing is black and white! We're all living in the grey area, whether we're practically in the white or black, or anywhere inbetween. *Sigh* I just don't like someone talking to me and saying they think I'm confused. I'm absolutely not confused. I am sexually, emotionally, spiritually, whatever elseally.. attracted to both sexes. I genuinely love a person for who they are, not whether they have a peepee or a vajayjay. I guess I ''come off'' as more into guys right now, because I'm in love with one, so it makes it hard for her to realize i like girls. But in my opinion, there is no way you can give all your [romantic] love to more than one person at one time (at one time being the key phrase.) And i love loving him. I don't need anyone else right now. He's kind of my angel, in every sense of the word.

Even though its just more boxing and naming exact labels instead of accepting the fluidness of my being, I took that test for the.. uh shit whats it called.. Kinsey Scale? I am exactly in the middle on every point.

I'm not confused. I'm pissed ^.^
But then again, she was probably stoned out of her mind..

I feel pretty fucking used. I wish I could jump ahead to the part where our relationship is closer than it ever was (that always happens). But I guess I need the upper hand again first. Urggh. I fucking hate ego games. Its so... not me. I tell the truth, if I love someone I don't want to ignore them, I hate avoiding feelings.
I suppose that would be an upside to girls. Not going through all of that shit. But I have no idea. I've never been with one. Hopefully someday soon I will find out if these are games everyone plays. [And hopefully I will not be disappointed. But maybe its human nature. Some struggle for power] I just love too deeply for that kind of nonsense. I just want to give love. And not be pushed away from people for it.....

...I WANT A PUPPY.

I want an Australian Shepherd puppy. Pronto.

''You love her. But she loves him. And he loves somebody else. You just can't win... And so it goes until the day you die. This thing they call love, it's gonna make you cry. I've had the blues, the reds, and the pinks. One thing's for sure;; Love Stinks.''

*sigh* So simple yet so true.
I don't even feel like thinking about my relationships though. Basically I hadn't binged for 28 days. Had lost like 10 lbs already. Fucking relapse.. binged 5 days in a row. Counting today. I think I gained a few pounds back. It sounds like nothing, but it feels like 20. I hate how whenever I'm becoming comfortable with my body, I fucking sabotage it and mess it up. Not to mention I'm supposed to be running to get ready for XC Summer practices. But I haven't done that either. Ugh. I have a schedule and everything. It kills me, it really does. I'm so fucking out of shape. I hate that last week I weighed 145 and now I weigh 149. Or more. I'm afraid to look at the scale. Some might be water weight, but in my mind it doesn't even matter. I was doing so well .. And i fucked up so bad. I feel so pathetic. I hate binging. I fucking look for more junk to eat while I'm still chewing something else. I hate that I can tell my mom is not even trying to quit smoking anymore. She drove out to buy cigarettes. Then went on the porch and indulged in her addiction. And I in mine. So pathetic. I feel so defeated. I wish I could concentrate on getting back on track tomorrow. But I have to work my shitty job as a busgirl. I hate it, I feel so uncomfortable there. from 8:30 to 2/3. I have this irrational feeling that I will not survive. It's so boring and mentally/physically draining that I'll drop dead. I don't stop walking for more than 5 seconds at any point during my shift. And god I hate being yelled at in Greek. I want to scream at the man. There is no reason for him to come out and take what I'm cleaning it and show me by doing it himself, when in fact I was doing it better. And he puts emphasis on speed, so now I'm never standing still. But if you look around, I'm the only one doing anything. The waitresses are good but they only have to do so much. Then, even though my shift is over, he breaks out the Windex and I Windex a gazillion windows. I almost want to laugh because the Windex & Greek-ness reminds me of My Big Fat Greek Wedding, but I can't laugh. Cause the job sucks too much to smile. At least a not-fake smile. *Sigh* I'm such a whiny child. My best friend's mom told me that the other day when I was lying on her living room floor complaining. I love her. She's like a second mom. I've been friends with that girl since 3rd grade. So... like.. *thinks* over 8 years. We've never been in a fight. Its interesting. I'm not the fighting type. I need to be a little more aggressive. But I'll just never be all "FUCK YOU BITCH HOW COULD YOU DO THAT DON'T TALK TO ME I'M MAD AT YOU NYEHH." It will just.. never happen. Which I think is good. Except to my dad, hehe.

Tomorrow I need to.. wake up; eat a healthy breakfast; go to work; come home; eat a healthy lunch; run .. 4 miles i think it is. wonderful. *dies*; relax; clean my room; eat a healthy dinner; computer.

I really need to. right now I can say with certainty that the eating disorder is making me depressed, NOT the other way around. I was happy for those 28 good days, and was losing weight because of the deficit. I love caloriecount. Then this week I've been eating crap and thousands upon thousands of calories of it. I feel moody, can't stop crying, and get random spells where utter hopelessness washes over me. Even when I'm thinking about something non-hopeless.

Accutane is frustrating. Its pretty much dried out everything but my heart.

I miss him so much. I wish he'd text me or something. How interesting is Six Flags. Really. Or visiting Georgia Tech. Or whatever it is he's doing today. Ugh. I wish I knew when he was flying home. Haha I'm such a stalker its not even funny. WARN YOUR KIDDIES! I'm seriously pro at stalking. I remember one time (I WOULD NEVER DO THIS NOW.. I was more obsessive and stalkery back in 6th grade) I liked this kid.. [[who is awful by the way I can not believe I wasted even a bit of my life thinking about him. Although after him I wasted it hitting on my friend who is straight for 2 years. But I guess I had to learn that that was hopeless sometime.]] But in any case.. Yeah so I stalked him. And broke into his email. And read them. Can you say creepy? Haha I'm creeping myself out. I guess I actually have morals now.

The highlight of my day was dancing and playing air guitar, both in the shower. So fun, try it if you never have!

My computer speakers broke (shit I hope I didn't blow them out) so I have to listen to music through headphones. It makes me angry. Also I have a 2 foot span that I can travel before I am yanked back. Or more likeley my music yanked out of my head. Grrr.

Apparently I have the same shoes as Zacky Vengeance of A7X. He obviously admires my style..

Yay for bitching at the universe.

My ex boyfriend and I sneaked (Ha i wanna say snook. Sounds cooler) into his basement. I lost my virginity. Yadda yadda yadda. We climbed out the window, and went to Subway..

I love Tuesdays.

Oh and Cross Country boys have mad endurance <3