I'm reading Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex. I love it.

Mary Roach is one of my favorite nonfiction writers. Her first book, Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers, will forever stand as the funniest book about dead people ever conceived, researched, and put on paper.

No wonder my friends think I'm weird.

it's sad that i can barely function without caffeine in my body.

i'm such a junkie...

and it's soooo bad for me too.

on another note: my spirits have been lifted thanks to a visit with one of my friends. she may be crazy, but she seems to always put me in a better mood. :)

in other news, i have gwen stefani's rich girl stuck in my head, but only the "if i were a rich girl, nanananananananananana....."

yes, i actually did just count the "na's".....

Just finished New Moon. Since it is her book, I also miss my sister. Since Edward and Bella interact so familiar, in some ways, I want my ex. I always wonder, with past relationships, which parts were reality and which were projections of an idea(l).

In other news, sexual adventures w/ others are good also because they give you new ideas of what to do with yourself.

The end :)

Today was a good day, a step forward, or backward depending on how you look at it.

Talked to someone on here last night(you know who you are) and I feel bad that I didn't get to them again today, but we will talk again! You were awesome, and picked me up from a pretty tough spot, whether or not you know it.
Kudos to you, my wonderwoman. :)

Also, did some art today, nothing I would consider myself proud of. But I broke out my pastels again, and played with some boards. Mostly color, and texture experimentation, but that's all I can really do with pastels and clay board anyway.

I looked at community colleges, since that's really all I'm able to get into right now. It's a bit late in the year for me to apply. But I'll be working soon enough, and so, next year I'm going to try for it.

While I was working on my art, I had a piece of pastel board, 5 x 7 or so, and I wrote a very shoddy poem on top of the art on it.

But between that, and just taking a break from that fantasy I was living in, I feel..
Very good. I got to talk to my handsome, long distance boy, the boy who makes my heart pound.

We had fun.

Today was a good day.

oohhhhhhh, i'm dipping, i can feel it. slipping, sliding into that pit of self-pity once more. no one cares that i'm leaving. no one cares that i won't be around anymore. maybe i should just jump off a building, see if they care then.

i

have

to

stop

these

thoughts.

i do not need other people's approval to live. if no one in this world noticed i died, i need to accept that fact. act with nonchalance and put on an impassive face. the mask must go on until i can control these stupid emotions within me. if no one shows up to my going away party, i must accept this as fact and move on with my life.

i am alone in the world.

NO! STOP!

i may be alone, but i will not let it control me.

oh...

oh sweet zombie jesus....

i think my heart just exploded from the secondary cholesterol....

i'm ravenous, nauseous, and disgusted all at the same time...

now i know what food addicts feel like.

okay, so if u have read any of my journal entries u may have noticed that they often contain some erotic content. i am a very sex-positive person. this basically means that i believe people should be free to express and/or experience their sexual desires and/or issues [as long as it's not hurting anybody else or taking away anybody's free will]. sex can be a very good and healthy part of one's life, and i don't think people need to have so much fear and anxiety and shame around it.

but i really did not used to be like this... at all. i used to be so prude and so scared. i also used to have really bad body image and self-image in general, because i used to be chubby and i also used to cut myself. those were not fun times. basically i was really ashamed of my body and my sexuality. i didn't want anyone to see me naked because i felt gross. i was uncomfortable and clueless about my pussy. i was pretty ignorant about sex in general, and i thought it would be painful and gross. and i was in the closet about being attracted to girls and i was very fucked up over that.

i was what u would call a late bloomer. i didn't get naked with a dude or have oral sex until i was almost 18. i didn't figure out how to masturbate and make myself orgasm until i was 18. i didn't actually enjoy sexual activity with anyone until i was 20. i didn't start watching porn until i was 21, which was this year. anyway, thru all my dating experiences... i learned a lot. i learned that: i don't have to be scared, that as long as i communicate with my partners [and am with partners who communicate] it's cool, that i get aroused by certain porn and erotica, that i'm bisexual, and that's okay. i learned that sometimes i like the sweet romantic lovemaking with someone i care about, where u whisper "ur so beautiful" and "i love u" and stuff. but i also like the rougher more porno-style fucking, and that's what really gets me hot and gets me off, and i need that sometimes. i like being talked dirty to. when someone i'm getting erotic with calls me dirty, naughty, a bad girl, a slut, or a bitch... it makes me feel good. i'm not a particularly promiscuous person, but when i'm in a sexual situation, i guess u could say i'm a slut with the person i'm with. this means that i enjoy sex. unfortunately women who enjoy sex used to be called sluts as a derogatory term, but i guess i am reclaiming that in some way. it's all about the context. if someone came up to me in public and called me a slut, i would not like that at all.

i think that if more people were more comfortable with their own sexuality, there would be less homophobia, because people wouldn't feel so threatened by other people's sexuality.

my basement is a mess right now... and why? well it all started on tuesday afternoon. about 10 minutes after i arrived at my house after walking home from the bus, it started raining really HARD. i was all "yeah, i didn't get caught in the rain," smugly. i went down to my room [which is in the basement... BTW it's a nice, modern, finished basement.] i heard this strange sound, like rushing water... i'm all "hmmm, what's that sound?" then i realized that water was pouring in from the windowsill! it was coming in from under the windows and rushing down the wall. it was like niagara falls. my laptop [which was on my desk, right under the window] got splashed! i immediately pulled her away. i had to protect my baby. but she's okay. anyway, water had also poured in through all 3 other basement windows: the one in my bathroom, the one in the furnace room, and the worst was the one in the T.V. area. the carpet was like a lake. we had to move all the furniture... we had to use like 20 towels to soak up what we could... my dad had to rip up the pretty carpet... we set up fans and heater and dehumidifiers and shit... and i had to evacuate up to my sister's room on the top floor to sleep [but she's at overnight camp, so it's cool]. i believe that EVERYTHING happens for a reason. a few weeks ago i was actually involved in a discussion about this with a modern-orthodox rabbi, which was interesting. what i am now thinking is: so back in the day G-d flooded the earth to punish the people for being bad... so maybe G-d sent us the little flood to punish me for watching too much porn or being too much of a slacker, or to punish my mom for all those times she was a cunt to me. heheh, who knows...

my crush looked really hot today... as usual. she has a thing for wearing skin-tight clothes [which is awesome, because she has a PERFECT body and nothing to hide]. today it was a little wife-beater tank and a sexy pair of dark skinny-jeans. i can't decide if i like her better in her skintight jeans or her skin-tight short-shorts. the way she dresses, she's putting her tits and her tummy and her ass and her thighs on display for public consumption. i don't know if she realizes how sexy she looks, and if she does, i don't know who she's trying to impress. but if she's not totally clueless, she has to realize that at our university [especially in our psychology class which is almost 100% female] and also in the general public, it's not only gonna be guys who are gonna check her out. any chick with a pulse would realize her attractiveness... and any bi chick with a pulse would realize that pulse getting a bit faster.

anyway, the tanktop she was in was a little short, and when she was sitting next to me thruout class there was a sliver of the silky skin of her side/hip exposed... and good G-d i wanted to touch it so fucking bad, just put my arm around her waist... argh! she smelled so good. the only part of her body i have ever touched is her hair [her perfect fucking hair... i am still jealous of it], and we hugged briefly a couple times [which doesn't even count cuz it was for like a second]. i want more i want more i want MORE. i want to hold her in my arms and just... bask in her sweet, delicate femininity. i want to hold her face in my hands, my fingers in her hair, kiss her and whisper in her ear how beautiful she is. i want her to kiss me back. i want to carefully peel off those clothes and see her in her bra and panties. i want to be naked with her. i need to feel her naked against me. i want to take my time and slowly worship her whole body and make her feel like a sexy goddess. i want to make her wet. i need to taste her...

G-d, this craving needs to go away or i will get more nuts than i already am! yikes. but she is actually sooo clueless. i mean, she didn't even realize that i have a nose-piercing until today, and we've seen eachother at least twice a week for about 3 weeks [and my stud isn't even that small!]. she herself told me she is not very observant. well yeah, i think she is just really into herself and too wrapped up in her own stupid shit to notice what i'm doing. about half the times i text her, she doesn't text me back. it makes me sad when i feel like she is ignoring me, even though in person she is pretty nice and talkative to me. honestly, i think she is kind of a selfish and shallow girl who just lives in her own world. i mean, she has a perfect body and dresses amazingly well... but it kinda seems like that's all she has going for her. she does okay in school, i mean she's not a total ditz. but she doesn't have any skills or interests. she doesn't do music, art, acting, or sports. she doesn't do any writing, or even much reading. she doesn't like animals. she doesn't like old people. she doesn't have a job. she doesn't even volunteer. i think she is kind of spoiled. i think all that she cares about is shopping, looking good, and partying with her friends. that's not what i'm like at ALL, and that's not what my friends are like... and to tell u the truth i am actually kinda disgusted by people like that. and now i'm just frustrated by her and not getting what i want from her. and what do i really want? i want her to let me see the REAL her, the girl beneath the outer surface. she has a special charm, and that's what draws me to her, and sometimes i see a glimpse of the cute, quirky girl that she seems to be on the inside. i just wish she would... i dunno, trust me? i mean, there was that time when she told me that she's a virgin and that it's a secret. i mean, i didn't ask her "are u a virgin" or anything, she just volunteered that information. it's not that i think she would feel the need to lie to me or anything, but at this point i just think she is kinda sketchy. whatver, i will give her the benefit of the doubt. i just want to know if we could really be friends... i want to know if i'm more to her than just someone she uses for attention at school so she doesn't have to feel lonely.

There's all these sticky notes on my wall with symbols on them. I don't use words on my reminder notes...I have no idea what any of these things are. What's this thing that looks like a mutiliated padlock?

I can't decide if virginity is under- or over-rated. Personally, I don't care either way as far as myself goes, so long as I don't lose it to someone I don't care about. Actually...I don't care, I would just rather have sex with people whose name I know and actually like and am attracted to this person, and it's mutual.

I kinda feel bad calling this kid I know church-boy, but he looks and talks like one (emanating "lookit me! I'm a religious freak!"). No offense meant, really, genuinely.

My hair only looks good when it's a stylized total mess.

I'm going to HK in two weeks... oh noes

Fuck NATO and the Warsaw Pact, and mandatory history in high school.

I found this book my mom was reading...it's called the secret lives of teens or whatever. I have no idea if she's actually reading it or not.

A kick in the pants is needed if I am to work somewhat efficiently. Or a commission.

Liking art is different from respecting it...some people will call some messy landscape ugly, but it's about expression on the artist's part. If you really need to bash, just look at it and ask yourself "Could I possibly do anything like this?"

I'm trying to buy the first season of the L word on ebay and right now it's really cheap but I'm being threatened by a higher bidder. Today I'm going to put more money in the bank. Usually when someone outbids me I won't go for it because I can just find another one, but this is huge. I'm going to be pissed if I don't get this! Must....win....season.....one....

Anyway, tonight the fourth episode is on and I can't wait to watch it. Every week seems like it takes forever but at the same time I'm glad because I want the summer to last, I just wish I could watch the L word more without waiting a whole week to watch one episode.

Today I got my permit!! FINALLY! I've been waiting a while to get it but my parents haven't taken me but now all I need is to take drivers ed so I can get my license when I turn 16, in a couple months. I'm kind of scared to drive on the road with other people with my permit but I'm sure I'll eventually get up the courage to.

Going to the bank.....

Summer has been really great! I went to the American Idol tour when they came to Staples Center earlier this month:). My personal life is still the same as mentioned in my previous entry:D,had some probs. w/ my family recently but hopefully,it'll get better. I start school on the 18th and I'm taking Intro to Oceanography(M/W),Math 40(T/T) and Health ScienceM/W).
I'm also excited for the Olympics:). I hope I do well(*knock on wood*) in these classes since they seem kinda hard. OOOO,my BHSU stuff came today and even included some art/communications art info too. Jeez,it's 2:58,not 1:58!

don't you hate when one day youre in the top of the world, nothing can hurt you, and then in 5 minutes, it all goes down hill?
yep thats what happend to me
I was seeing a guy, he was sweet, we met over the internet, and talked for hours everynight. Things were going great. I would wake up after not getting many hours of sleep b/c I was talking to him all night, and feel like singing! He made me feel great, I felt special.
After a few great weeks of really getting to know him, I wasnt getting last night calls, no cute text messages during work, nothing. I was getting worried. We both agreed to an open realtionship seeing that we live 3 hours aways. He told my that he wasnt going to look for anyone but if opportunity knocks he was going to take it.
well it did
I cant get too upset b/c I agreed to it, Im just hurt.
I feel very vulerable, i just feel like Im never going to be in a comitted relationship. My longest relationship was 5 months, now granted Im only 18 but COME ON!!! I need some love!

* on a happy note, while I was getting my morning smoothie, the girl making it was really cute! :)*

you could hear it in the night
a shrieking demon singing free
enveloping the moonlit sky
with the help of a thousand enemies
swimming through the dying stars
and scarring the already wounded
you could not defy the deafening cry
as your words had simply been muted
and when the truth is deep inside of you
but you are restricted from expressing
a thousand wrongs can change your view
you become accustom to repressing
but while a thousand demons live
a thousand saints are living too
in a silence that can be broken
a world that can be rebuilt on truth

I'm going to Ohio tomorrow! I can't wait. the last time I was there was last summer. I used to live there, since I was 3 until 13. Ugh I miss it so much. I honestly believe that my family didn't start to fall apart really until my mom took a job in Missouri. When we lived in Ohio we were only 4 hours from my dad and 8 in missouri. Now I live with my dad so now im 8 hours from my mom. Its amazing with how far away I am from her but she can still have so much power over me.
So I'm hitching a ride with K because she's going to be in a friends wedding this weekend. We're leaving Friday morning and coming back Sunday.
I'm going to be staying with my friend Kit. She's still my bestfriend even after I moved. She was my first girl kiss to. But she's talking about going to this party Friday night thats going to have alcohol and like weed and other various things... Its at her boyfriends house and his parents are in vacation in Canada. I've drank before but I've never been like completly drunk, ive never thrown up before from it. I like the bitch drinks like Smirnoff, and the most I've had at once was 4 and i still wasn't drunk, atleast i think i wasn't. And I've never smoked weed either. My excuse was that its basketball season and i'll get drug tested. I really don't want to smoke it either. It smells terrible. But the thing is I feel like I'm being a hypocrite for being so against it and I've never actually tried it. And I do kinda want the experience. But I'm not going to smoke it at that party because its gonna be all these college age guys. And I also have this riduculus fear that ones gonna slip a ruffy in my drink and I'll like get gang raped or something. Ya I've watched too many Lifetime movies. I've stolen a water bottle full of vodka from my dad. I kind of feel bad because he trusted me enough to leave it in a closet and not think that I wouldn't take any. He thinks i'm perfect and doesn't do wrong, which totally isn't true. But i stole it anyway and don't feel guilty.

This is a conceptual piece for those with small children. I'm not sure about actually going through with it, for it might get you somewhat arrested, but hey!

You take a small child, and tell it every day in various ways, several times a day that on its eighth birthday; it will be cooked and eaten. Like obsess on it, ya know? And a week before it turns eight, buy a bunch of spices, make a big deal of it, leave web pages up of meat grinders and such, and invite the kid to go with you to find a big enough stew pot. . .

Can ya'll imagine????????

Aren't we glad I'm not a parent? (Heh-heh-heh.)