''You love her. But she loves him. And he loves somebody else. You just can't win... And so it goes until the day you die. This thing they call love, it's gonna make you cry. I've had the blues, the reds, and the pinks. One thing's for sure;; Love Stinks.''

*sigh* So simple yet so true.
I don't even feel like thinking about my relationships though. Basically I hadn't binged for 28 days. Had lost like 10 lbs already. Fucking relapse.. binged 5 days in a row. Counting today. I think I gained a few pounds back. It sounds like nothing, but it feels like 20. I hate how whenever I'm becoming comfortable with my body, I fucking sabotage it and mess it up. Not to mention I'm supposed to be running to get ready for XC Summer practices. But I haven't done that either. Ugh. I have a schedule and everything. It kills me, it really does. I'm so fucking out of shape. I hate that last week I weighed 145 and now I weigh 149. Or more. I'm afraid to look at the scale. Some might be water weight, but in my mind it doesn't even matter. I was doing so well .. And i fucked up so bad. I feel so pathetic. I hate binging. I fucking look for more junk to eat while I'm still chewing something else. I hate that I can tell my mom is not even trying to quit smoking anymore. She drove out to buy cigarettes. Then went on the porch and indulged in her addiction. And I in mine. So pathetic. I feel so defeated. I wish I could concentrate on getting back on track tomorrow. But I have to work my shitty job as a busgirl. I hate it, I feel so uncomfortable there. from 8:30 to 2/3. I have this irrational feeling that I will not survive. It's so boring and mentally/physically draining that I'll drop dead. I don't stop walking for more than 5 seconds at any point during my shift. And god I hate being yelled at in Greek. I want to scream at the man. There is no reason for him to come out and take what I'm cleaning it and show me by doing it himself, when in fact I was doing it better. And he puts emphasis on speed, so now I'm never standing still. But if you look around, I'm the only one doing anything. The waitresses are good but they only have to do so much. Then, even though my shift is over, he breaks out the Windex and I Windex a gazillion windows. I almost want to laugh because the Windex & Greek-ness reminds me of My Big Fat Greek Wedding, but I can't laugh. Cause the job sucks too much to smile. At least a not-fake smile. *Sigh* I'm such a whiny child. My best friend's mom told me that the other day when I was lying on her living room floor complaining. I love her. She's like a second mom. I've been friends with that girl since 3rd grade. So... like.. *thinks* over 8 years. We've never been in a fight. Its interesting. I'm not the fighting type. I need to be a little more aggressive. But I'll just never be all "FUCK YOU BITCH HOW COULD YOU DO THAT DON'T TALK TO ME I'M MAD AT YOU NYEHH." It will just.. never happen. Which I think is good. Except to my dad, hehe.

Tomorrow I need to.. wake up; eat a healthy breakfast; go to work; come home; eat a healthy lunch; run .. 4 miles i think it is. wonderful. *dies*; relax; clean my room; eat a healthy dinner; computer.

I really need to. right now I can say with certainty that the eating disorder is making me depressed, NOT the other way around. I was happy for those 28 good days, and was losing weight because of the deficit. I love caloriecount. Then this week I've been eating crap and thousands upon thousands of calories of it. I feel moody, can't stop crying, and get random spells where utter hopelessness washes over me. Even when I'm thinking about something non-hopeless.

Accutane is frustrating. Its pretty much dried out everything but my heart.

I miss him so much. I wish he'd text me or something. How interesting is Six Flags. Really. Or visiting Georgia Tech. Or whatever it is he's doing today. Ugh. I wish I knew when he was flying home. Haha I'm such a stalker its not even funny. WARN YOUR KIDDIES! I'm seriously pro at stalking. I remember one time (I WOULD NEVER DO THIS NOW.. I was more obsessive and stalkery back in 6th grade) I liked this kid.. [[who is awful by the way I can not believe I wasted even a bit of my life thinking about him. Although after him I wasted it hitting on my friend who is straight for 2 years. But I guess I had to learn that that was hopeless sometime.]] But in any case.. Yeah so I stalked him. And broke into his email. And read them. Can you say creepy? Haha I'm creeping myself out. I guess I actually have morals now.

The highlight of my day was dancing and playing air guitar, both in the shower. So fun, try it if you never have!

My computer speakers broke (shit I hope I didn't blow them out) so I have to listen to music through headphones. It makes me angry. Also I have a 2 foot span that I can travel before I am yanked back. Or more likeley my music yanked out of my head. Grrr.

Apparently I have the same shoes as Zacky Vengeance of A7X. He obviously admires my style..

Yay for bitching at the universe.