okay, not really, but it was in beijing at midnight EST...

even so, USA women's beach volleyball took the gold for the second time in a row.

ohhhh kerri walsh, you blue-eyed wonder you, just keep that cute mouth shut and we'll be juuuuust fine.

in other news, i'm getting my hair cut tomorrow, and i mean ALL off. pictures soon to follow.

also, i have to stop falling for middle-aged housewives, even if they are adorable and give me little smiles and have a cute butt. this is only going to lead to disaster. urgh....

trying to waste as much time till two, 'cause my classes have all been uber short today. didn't even have an english class, 'cause my teacher had a death in the family....

fuuuun times.

i love how caffeine makes me more focused and alert....i'm beginning to wonder if a small dose of like...adderal or whatever might actually help me, because in essence it's basically speed lite isn't it? or am i thinking of something else....? i dunno, it's something to think about...

I just don't know what to draw recently... Another case of artists block? D:

Hell, I haven't even been writing as much latley. It's like my brain just kind of went flat? I dunno.

So I figure I'll go looking for some inspiration with a bike ride and a note book later. Maybe I'll find something interesting...

Hehe, I finally got some new clothes. I feel kind of bad asking for clothes (or anything else) with the way things have been recently... Especially since I'm already asking for a lot with the therapy and whatnot. But I needed clothes...

My mom is trying to get my dad in trouble for not paying impossible amounts of money. >w<; It's obnoxious because I need somewhere to live and food to eat too. But apparently the judge didn't think so... Apparently giving all of our money to my mom is more important than that?

But I guess when I think of it, whether I ask for new clothes or not doesn't make much of a difference with all of the other stuff my dad has to deal with... So whatever.

School starts soon. I want it to start because I'm bored and I miss my friends... And because I'm bored. I'm going to regret wishing that when it actually starts and I have to deal with schoolwork, homework, my own stuff, AND staying on top of the school so they don't kick me back a grade.

I don't even know what I'm going to do for bathrooms. I'll be kicked out of a girls room. (Or at the very least stared at by girls blabbing and fixing their makeup. I don't know why girls hang out in the BATHROOM (especially school bathrooms, ew.) though, but they do. Girls are so weird.) and there are boys who'll recognize me as a girl, and I don't need that either. Although there is a unisex bathroom in the nurses office... I'd have to explain my situation to the nurses hope they understand, and hope to gods that they keep that bathroom sanitary. I don't need to be getting sick. Though I'm probably going to avoid the whole thing as much as possible.

Oh yes, I'm probably going to end up talking with my councilor for an hour and a half about this stuff. I see it now. Her and her whole "This is a big thing for you to deal with." spiel, and me sitting back in the chair holding back giggles at the entire situation.

I don't hate my body anymore. I don't like that it's female, but it's not like there's anything wrong with it. I'm healthy, coordinated, with broad shoulders and big feet, and lucky enough to naturally have more testosterone in my blood than most girls. (According to my mom and aunt anyways.) although, I hate my hair... XD If it weren't so curly.. I mean seriously, you put gel in it and it curls up. D: And my err... Chest is small enough to bind down without too much restriction of breathing. XD; (Though I try to limit binding to when I go out, it's uncomfortable, duh.)

But I think what I'm saying is, even though my body's the wrong sex, I'm comfortable with it. Despite the curves and incredibly feminine eyebrows and shortness and stuff... It's not so bad really. Though I'm still really insecure about letting other people see it. And I wish I could run around topless with MAN CHEST but oh well. one day. XD

I'm not sure whether I want to take T yet or not. I will one day probably... But I don't think I want to take it yet. I don't really mind being mistaken for a 13 year old. And I can pass without it. (even my voice with some conscious effort.) So whatever...

My dad will be glad to hear that. He's been worried about the whole hormones thing more than me. It's only natural being that he's my dad. So yeah...

But just because I'm not sure about T doesn't mean I'm not sure about the male thing. Because I'm 110% sure that I'm a boy... Mentally anyways. Despite my feminine characteristics. XD I don't have to be macho to be a boy. I'd love to get my name changed. (And my legal gender changed, but oh the hoops you have to jump through for that. DX;)

I wish they could at least change the name on my files at school. So the teachers (and substitutes) won't call for a "Lorinda" first day and be dissatisfied when some boy raises his hand. Not to mention the act of doing so basically lets the whole class know that I'm a "girl" which sucks. Because as soon as a boy is a "girl" they start looking you over for all of your feminine features and crap. joy

But for them to do any of that, I'd most likely need to change my name legally first. And yeah. Fun stuff...

Done blabbing now.

~Riku

Me and my siblings have always been all open minded and such..... but I dont know.... I am watching this movie "whole new thing" and I feel like I am missing something.... I dont know... I feel like the main character.... only without the extreme attraction to his teacher.... I suppose this is all puberty... but it still isnt as easy as sex ed made it seem.... ..... it really sucks to like your best friend and listen to him talk about how he likes the girl who sits next to me.... I suppose im just speaking to the crowd.... but it still sucks

My friend K and I have declared ourselves cuddlewhores. Meaning, we'll do just about anything for a cuddle.

Typical for me, really. My favorite part of physical intimacy was always cuddling in the afterglow.

So, to any other cuddlewhores out there:

*hugs*

How many other cuddlewhores are there out there, anyway?

I have been out two years now; hard to believe i would like to write something but i am at a loss for words! I have struggled this past week after attending a family reunion and having an uncle publicly proclaim he was a redneck because he hates homosexuals...i was sitting right beside him and he knows about me and my other lesbian cousin im still hurt
there are some wonderful people in my life who deserve due mention Janay my best friend a 34 year woman now and like my sister she doesnt understand the gay experience she understands me! I thank my lucky stars that i have her in my life its late now i will continue this tommorow i have a lot to write but i am sore and tired

Now that I've explained my history with Oasis and my relationship with former contributor Ty, I should probably start talking about myself, although I'm sure his name will pop up from time to time.

This part starts in the spring of 2000, when I was fifteen and a high school freshman. Spring Break had just started and my body was FINALLY showing signs of puberty, and I was starting to really understand what the little head thinking for the big head meant! I was sort of average in height, around 5 1/2 foot but I was incredibly skinny, weighing 110 soaking wet. At least I could run fast! Ty suggested that I go out for cross country (he was also on the CC squad at his school) and I did fairly well, with a personal best of 18:00 in the 5K.

Right before SB started my parents had sat my brothers and I down and given us the news that we would be moving to Georgia in early summer, thanks to dual job transfers and a desire to get away from Michigan winters. At first I was devastated, but since we have tons of family in Georgia and both of my parents are originally from there it made sense to move.

By then I was waking up to the fact that I prefered Andy's to Andrea's and thanks to my little head's thinking, I was determined to do something with another boy no matter what the end result was. I had once talked with Ty about how to find a willing guy, and he told me to go up to another boy and put my hand on his shoulder, if he didn't act uncomfortable it meant I had a chance with him. That's also a good way to get your ass kicked, I pointed out, but then he told me to go for a guy who I thought was gay, and someone who wasn't exactly popular. As cruel as that sounded, I understood where he was coming from.

In school I was part of the skater/metalhead group but I also fit in with the jocks thanks to CC, making me somewhat popular but not quite in the top echelon. Rebeljock is a good term to use (you'll get used to some of my weird terminology after a while...just wait until I explain the terms tacklehug and ribcracker!). After quite a bit of thinking it hit me that my high school was probably not the best place to look, but the nearby middle school was.

Now don't accuse me of robbing the cradle here, but sure going after a guy one grade below me (and two years younger thanks to my late birthday) was pushing the limits a bit. Okay, a lot. The middle school was where I found exactly what I was looking for.

For his privacy sake, I'm going to call him Jordan, and he was probably the most unpopular kid in his grade. He was a few inches taller than me and weighed twice as much, and when I was an eighth grader he was picked on mercilessly. He had been suspended a few times for fighting when in reality he was probably just defending himself, and he had a hairtrigger temper as a result. He was also constantly called a fag because of the way he talked and walked, and his boyboobs were bigger than alot of the girls chests. He always wore sweatshirts to try and hide them, no matter how hot it was.

I casually knew him since he lived just a few blocks from me and my parents were friends with his divorced mother so it wasn't like I was a total stranger to him (they had attended our Christmas party a few months earlier and were occasional guests for dinner), but he was never outside unless he had to be because alot of the kids in the neighborhood bullied him too. I still can't imagine how bad his life must have been, but he's one of those guys that grow up to be millionaires and can get any chick they want.

I looked the pictures of him from the Christmas party over and over and soon became infatuated with him, to the point where he was all I could think about. Especially when I was punching one off. I found myself in a scary dilemna and had to choose between hitting on him and being ruined socially or possibly getting lucky. The little head won that debate.

It was on a Monday that I went for broke, and I remember that well now since both of my parents were at work and my brothers were at baseball practice, leaving me home alone. Actually the entire week I had the place mostly to myself. It was still cold out but the snow was starting to melt and it was at least above freezing, so I went out for a run like I usually did, except this time I was scouting out his house. As I ran by there was no car in the driveway and I saw the tv on in the living room. Time for me to get brave.

I walked up to the front door and rang the doorbell, and a bewildered Jordan answered and let me in, probably wondering why I would even come over? In all honesty if he had asked I wouldn't have had an answer. He was watching "Billy Madison", one of my favorite movies back then, and just walked back into the living room and sat down on the loveseat. I had a choice between the recliner or sitting next to him, and I'm sure you know the answer to that.

Jordan was wearing a really loose tee shirt and sweats, and it was weird not seeing him in a sweatshirt, but with nobody around to grab his moobs that seemed right althought out of character for him. I sat to the right of him and our bodies almost touched, and I was close enough to smell the fabric softener in his clothes and the soap from the shower he must have recently taken. I rested my right hand on the back of the loveseat because there was nowhere else to put it and we started talking about the movie and then drifted into other stuff.

We talked about how we were both glad to have a break from school, how we were sick of winter and couldn't wait for the dreariness to end. I told him that my family would be moving to Georgia in a few months and he told me that he was sorry that I was leaving, adding that he wished he could go with me. I knew exactly what he meant by that.

Remembering Ty's tip for scoping out a guy, I put my hand on his shoulder and he didn't flinch, but he gave me a funny look and without saying a word turned back to the movie. His body was incredibly warm and felt spongy, and I slowly ran my hand over his shoulders without any effort by him to stop me. By then I had steel between my legs that was ready for use.

Why did you come over? came from his lips and I answered that I wanted to hang out with him. He gave me a blank expression and I noticed how brown his eyes were, a perfect match to his pale, freckled face. It took everything in my power not to kiss him or touch his face, and suddenly he got up and closed the drapes, telling me it was too bright in there to see the tv but I could see it fine. What I could also see clearly was the wet spot forming on my grey sweats, and if I saw it I was sure in my mind that he did too.

He sat down again on the loveseat, and out of his mouth in a angry voice came what I had feared the most.

"You think I'm a fag, don't you? Just like everybody else does?"

My moment of truth was now before me.

To be continued...

i've woken up in the middle of the night twice this week, so i turned on the T.V., and Welcome to the Dollhouse was on both times so i watched it. this makes sense, because in junior high, i too was Dawn Wiener [a.k.a. WEINERDOG] from Welcome to the Dollhouse. although i was more facially beautiful than her, i was physically and socially awkward, was somewhat of a loner, and got made fun of by the other kids... while my younger sister was the dancer/actress/model with the adorable looks who got all the positive attention. even now, 10 years later, i'm still Dawn Wiener. just because i have friends now, and i've dated people, and i'm kinda a sex kitten, and i'm pretty, and i play guitar, and all that cool stuff... it doesn't mean that i don't still feel awkward on the inside and acknowledge the fact that i'm still a nerdy little freak.

i had 3 nightmares this week. in the 1st nightmare, there was a coven of witches stalking me and my friends around a hotel, trying to hurt and kill us in brutal ways. They had secret weapons of torture like needles and knives, and one of them held my friend down and broke her finger. it was like a horror movie, even though i haven't even watched a horror movie in months. in the 2nd nightmare my grandfather was molesting me... which is not based on reality... although he has always had this thing where he squeezes my thigh in a weird ticklish way [but it's not sexual or anything]. in the 3rd nightmare, which was last night, Willy Nelson broke into my house and molested me and tried to kill me [the thing is, my actual grandpa looks kinda like Willy Nelson, and his hair's not as long as Willy's but it's long enough to put in a ponytail or braid]. I screamed for my dad to get the shotgun. [we've never had a gun in our house. my grandma in israel has a pistol in her condo, but that's for the shooting range, nobody ever had to use it against an attacker or anything.] We went to a restaurant and there were caterpillars crawling on my legs. It was all so creepy... and when u have nightmares, u wake up the next day feeling less rested than u would if u had a less frightening dream. my *3* dreamcatchers on my headboard are doing shit... maybe i need to clean them or something, i know there are native american rituals that go into the process of dreamcatcher usage, i just need to find out more about it.

on one of the days that i didn't have a nightmare, i had a sexy dream... and i hardly ever have those. seriously, i day-dream about sex all the time, but when i'm sleeping it doesn't usually show up in my dreams. so anyway, there's this guy, i'll call him Robby. basically, we went to junior high together, and i had somewhat of a crush on him throughout. nothing serious, just ur run-of-the-mill pre-teen crush on the cutest guy in the class. we slowdanced at my bat-mitzvah... i was so awkward. anyway, i didn't see him for like 8 years, until this summer, when i heard he was in the LSAT prep-course with my sister. she was talking shit about him, saying that he got fat and is stupid and annoying. one day i bumped into him in the library, we talked, and i didn't think he looked fat... i mean, my sister's boyfriend is clinically obese, so i don't know why she would call a more average guy a fatass. and he seemed pretty nice still. so we facebooked eachother like twice, then i kinda forgot about him. THEN i have this random dream, in which Robby's laying on the bed and i'm on top of him, straddling him, grinding on his cock thru his shorts. and he wants to have sex without a condom, and i'm like "dude, i dont know what dirty sluts u fucked at Western [university known for major partying]... but u are not having unprotected sex with me until we go get tested". so at least i was having safe sex, in the dream. i mean, i haven't even done that religiously in reality [i had unprotected sex with my ex a few times... but he was my boyfriend... i prolly wouldn't do that with a guy who i'm just having a casual fling with]. anyway, i woke up from this dream feeling horny. i could still feel how good it felt to be grinding on him and feeling him touch me. he kinda reminds me of my ex, except not too-too much for it to be creepy. plus, i knew him first. for a few days i wondered if i should try to make the dream a reality... i mean if he's single i don't see why he would turn me down... i debated if i should at least try to go on a date with him and see what happens. a few minutes ago i facebooked him my cell # and told him to call me if he wants to chill this weekend... so who knows, i could finally be getting some in a few short days!?!?

i have a physical tomorrow morning, which includes a pap-smear because i've been sexually active [3 months ago...]. and since i'm gonna be baring it all for the doctor and having him poke around down there, i'm gonna fully shave my pussy tonight. the smoothness would come in doubly purposeful if i end up in a hot situation this weekend...